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The head coach of the Detroit Lions almost has the perfect football team. The missing link is a top-notch quarterback who can zing the ball all over the field. He's scouting everywhere far and wide....other teams, foreign leagues, colleges, even high schools, etc....but can't find anyone that he thinks can take his team to the promised land. He's chilling at home one night watching CNN coverage of a war-torn village in Bosnia. Amidst all the action on the screen, he notices this young Bosnian soldier with the most amazing arm. He sees him throw a hand grenade from a couple hundred yards away straight into a 15th story window and KABOOM! He watches him hurl another one smack into like a dozen enemy soldiers from a hundred yards away and KAPOW! Then he looks on in amazement as the youth chucks one right into the path of a car that must have been past him at 120 MPH... a bullseye! BAM! Death is everywhere but the boy fearlessly plows on regardless. "Wowee!" the coach thinks, "I gotta find this kid. What an incredible passer he'd be. Long range, medium range, short range. I can tell already he's got an absolute cannon for an arm! He can do it all!" So through his connections in the State Dept. he gets the kid brought over to the U.S. to help the Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl Championship.
Sure enough the kid is an ace, picks up the game quickly, and with incredible skill and athleticism, guides his team all the way to a Super Bowl victory. When they ask the new gridiron hero as he's coming off the field what's the first thing he's going to do now that he has won, he doesn't say something canned like "Go to Disneyland" but all the dedicated young man wants to do is call his beloved mother.
"Mother, we just won the Super Bowl. Can you believe it?" he gushes. "What do I want to talk to you for," says the little old lady, "You have abandoned us. Forgotten all about us. You are no son of mine." "But Ma!" the kid pleads, "What are you saying? Listen to everybody cheering. They all love me. Are you not proud?""No. What do you expect?" the mother replies, "As we speak there are bullets flying all around us. The neighborhood is a hellhole, one big battle zone. Just this week your poor younger sister was raped in broad daylight. Your brother was mugged and beaten within an inch of his life. I'm a prisoner in my own home afraid to venture out at any time." The tearful old woman pauses a minute to compose herself then says, "I'll never forgive you for bringing us to Detroit!"
Sure enough the kid is an ace, picks up the game quickly, and with incredible skill and athleticism, guides his team all the way to a Super Bowl victory. When they ask the new gridiron hero as he's coming off the field what's the first thing he's going to do now that he has won, he doesn't say something canned like "Go to Disneyland" but all the dedicated young man wants to do is call his beloved mother.
"Mother, we just won the Super Bowl. Can you believe it?" he gushes. "What do I want to talk to you for," says the little old lady, "You have abandoned us. Forgotten all about us. You are no son of mine." "But Ma!" the kid pleads, "What are you saying? Listen to everybody cheering. They all love me. Are you not proud?""No. What do you expect?" the mother replies, "As we speak there are bullets flying all around us. The neighborhood is a hellhole, one big battle zone. Just this week your poor younger sister was raped in broad daylight. Your brother was mugged and beaten within an inch of his life. I'm a prisoner in my own home afraid to venture out at any time." The tearful old woman pauses a minute to compose herself then says, "I'll never forgive you for bringing us to Detroit!"
Young Athlete: Hey coach, now that I made the track team what should I be eating?Coach: Son, the proper diet for a fleet sprinter such as you involves lots of fast food.Young Athlete: Wuddyamean? Like Burgers and fries and pizza and stuff?Coach: No. We're talking cheetahs, antelopes, jackrabbits...
A guy is hanging out at the clubhouse showing off this newfangled golf ball to all his golfing buddies."This has to be the greatest golf ball ever made. Would you believe it? You can't lose this thing! If you hit it in the rough, it whistles. If you whack it into the woods, a bell goes off. If you drive it into the pond, it sends up bubbles. If you lose it at night, it glows!!"One of his pals asks, "Ain't that something! Where did you get it?"The guy responds, "I found it!"
A golfer was looking pretty glum in the clubhouse after golfing so his friend came over to see what he was obsessing about:
Friend: Had a bad round?Golfer: It was plain awful. On the 17th hole, I sliced my ball clear off the course and onto the freeway where it went through the windshield of a bus full of people. The driver lost control of the bus and hit another car head-on. It was a terrible accident. What a mess. Blood and dead people strewn all over the place.Friend: Holy Smokes! What did you do?Golfer: Well, I closed up on my stance slightly and shortened my backswing just a bit.
Harry gets a ticket from his company for the Super Bowl, but it turns out the seat is in the nosebleed section far from the action. He notices an empty aisle seat a few rows off the field right on the fifty yard line. He moseys over there and asks the guy next to it if the seat is taken. "No." the guy says, "you can have it." His curiosity getting the best of him, Harry asks, "How in the world could someone have a seat for the Super Bowl and not use it?" "It was my wife's but she died," "Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that." says Harry, "I had no idea. But I'm surprised some family member or relative or friend didn't jump at the opportunity to witness this spectacle." "Yeah, well," the guy answers, "They're all at the funeral."
A guy has two tickets to the hockey game and tells his girlfriend he's going to go with one of the guys since she doesn't know anything about sports. "What do you mean? I'm into sports. I want to go." The guy is impressed with her interest in attending the game so he happily takes her along. When one of the home team players scores, the crowd goes crazy while the message boards around the rink incessantly flash '!!! G O A L !!!' After cheering wildly along with everyone, she turns to the guy and asks, "Who's Al?"