Jokes

Religion

"Brothers and Sisters," informs the preacher, "the subject of today's sermon will be 'Liars'. Now, how many of you in this here congregation are familiar with the Book of Titus chapter twelve?" Nearly everyone's hand goes up immediately. "Well you are the very people I want to preach to today," continues the preacher, "since there is NO such chapter!"

Angel: Hey God, what are you up to?God: Watch! I'm going to create a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness down on Earth. (Whoosh!)Angel: Wow. That was great. What are you gonna do now?God: I think I'm just gonna call it a day.

A man is cavorting with his married lover in her bedroom when all of a sudden they hear the door slam downstairs. The husband has apparently returned home early from work and so the man scrambles out of bed and quickly ducks into the closet...

"Boy, it sure is dark in here" says a whispering voice."Who is that?" says the startled man."My name's Jimmy. I live here. You wanna buy my comic book collection? Only fifty bucks.""What? Fifty bucks? Are you crazy?" says the astonished man."Well I guess if you're not interested, then maybe my daddy...""No No No Wait! Sure Kid, fifty bucks. Here you go. Now shut up!"

A few days later, sure enough the lovers are surprised once again when the husband shows up unexpectedly...

"Boy, it sure is dark in here," says a familiar soft voice."You again?""Yeah, it's me, Jimmy and this time I'm selling my marble collection. Only a hundred bucks.""What? Your insane, kid! Where did you come up with that figure?""Ah inflation, ya know. But if you don't think my price is fair, we can always ask my pops...""No No No Wait! Jeesh! Here's a hundred bucks, kid. Now shush!"

So eventually the father notices his boy is flashing around much more money than usual and is skeptical about this recent windfall...

"Son, I would like to talk to you more at length about this but I have to get to work. Now I don't know where you got all this money from seeing that you quit your paper route a while ago. Since it's probably not honest money, I think you better make amends by being a good boy and going to confession."So Jimmy goes along to church like his father instructed him, waits his turn, then takes his place in the confessional booth
"Boy, it sure is dark in here" he says quietly.All of a sudden the partition slides open with a loud bang and the priest goes,"You're not gonna start that crap again in here are you?"

A monk is initiated into a highly contemplative order in which they enforce a vow of silence. He is told that he will be allowed to speak two words every three years however. After three years of silent prayer and study, he is summoned before the Abbot and asked, "Do you have anything to say in two words or less?" The monk says, "Food stinks." Three more years go by and he is again summoned before the Abbot and asked, "Well, do you have anything to share with us now?" The monk replies, "Bed hard." After three more years, he is again brought before the Abbot and asked, "What do you have to say now?" The monk answers, "I quit!" "Well, I'm not surprised," the head abbot sighs, "You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

Two guys are waiting in line together at the pearly gates to see if they can get into heaven. "How did you die?" the first man asks. "I froze to death, what about you?" says the second guy. "Oh I had a massive heart attack." says the first guy. "How did that come about?" asks the second guy. "Well it's like this," says the first guy, "I suspected my wife had been cheating on me so I run home from work early one day on purpose to try and catch her unawares. I run up to the bedroom and she's just sitting alone up there patiently knitting away like nothing's going on. So I quickly run around looking through all the closets upstairs to check if anyone's hiding then I run down to the basement to check there then I run back up to the first floor and check all over there then I run up to the attic to check there and finally back to the bedroom to question her when my heart failed me and I dropped dead from all the running." "Ain't that something," says the second guy, "If you'd a just checked in the freezer, we'd both probably still be alive today."

Disciple Peter: Well would you look at that, Doubting Thomas! Our friend Jesus just walked on water right in front of our own eyes! He can do anything! What do you have to say about that?Doubting Thomas: The show off. He's covering up. He just can't swim.

A priest visits a recently widowed woman parishioner...
Priest: I'm sorry to hear of your husband's passing, madam. My deepest condolences.Widow: Thank you Father.Priest: It's a difficult time for you.Widow: Yes it is but I shall persevere.Priest: Did he have any last requests?Widow: Yes he did, Father.Priest: And what were they, my child?Widow: He pleaded, 'Please put the gun down, dear."

God: Moses, Welcome. I am pleased you made it all the way up Mt. Sinai to see me.Moses: I tell ya, it was kinda rough. I'm OK except for this splitting headache I got from the hot sun beating down on my head.God: Take these two tablets and call me in the morning.

A guy talking to God says, “Hey God, is it true that a billion years is like only a second to you?” God says yes and the guy continues, “And God, is it true that a billion dollars is like only a penny to you?” God says yes so the guy then asks, “So God, can I have a penny?” to which God replies, “Sure, just a second.”

An atheist is hiking in the deep woods when Bigfoot jumps out of nowhere and starts growling and snarling angrily as he approaches the man who thoroughly freaked out cries, "Lord Dear Lord. Please save me from this beast!" Moments later a voice from the clouds thunders forth, "But you always said you didn't believe in me." The man replies, "Well, until just a minute ago I didn't believe in Bigfoot either."