Jokes

Kids

Three little boys are brought before the judge for raising a ruckus at the zoo. The judge says to the first kid, "Who are you son and what did you do?" The first kid says, 'I'm Bobby and I threw peanuts to the elephants" The judge looks at the second kid and says, "And who are you son and what did you do?" The second kid says, "I'm Billy and I threw peanuts to the elephants." The judge looks at the third kid all beat up and bruised and bloody and says, "And then who are you son and what did you do?" The third kid says, "I'm Peanuts."

Two young boys go into a drugstore, wander the aisles, and finally lug two big boxes of tampons over to the pharmacist and plop them down on the counter. The fellow says, "Are these for your mothers, boys?" "Nope'" one of the kids says, "We just heard 'em say how if you used these things, you could ride horsies and go swimmin' and do lotsa other neat stuff!"

Son: Dad, do you like baked apples?
Dad: Yes, why son?
Son: Because the orchard's on fire

The little girl is so proud. She spent so much time putting her shoes on all by herself for the very first time. Her mommy smiled but noticed that the right sneaker was on the left foot and her left sneaker was on the right foot. "Honey, your shoes are on the wrong feet." The little girl all forlorn looks up and states, "But mommy. I just know those are my feet!"

An adorable little girl walks into the bank with her mom and proudly states to the teller, "Hi! Can I have my own bank account?" The amused teller replies, "Oh I'd be delighted to, you little cutiepie, as long as mommy says it's OK." The mom nods with a smile so the teller happily continues, "Did you have a bank before?" The little girl ponders that a moment then blurts out, "Sure! My Piggy Bank!"

Little Jimmy and his mommy come home from the grocery store. The little boy can hardly wait and runs to the kitchen table, rips open the box of animal crackers, and studies them as they are strewn about.

Mommy: What ever are you doing?Little Jimmy: Whew! The box says you can't eat 'em if the seal is broken and lucky for us it's only the hippo that's cracked in half and the seal is OK with the ball still on his nose and everything!

Little Jimmy was having trouble in Math. His parents did everything they could to help him—a personal tutor, a learning center, helpful books, flash cards, etc.-but to no avail. Finally, as a last resort, they decided to transfer him to the tough Catholic school. Right away his parents can see a difference. Little Jimmy adopts a serious demeanor and barely has time to chat to his parents or even sit down with them for a meal for long he is so busy studying and doing homework. This goes on for several weeks and they continue to be amazed at the turnaround. When the report card comes, they are impressed that he got an A+ in Math. The mother can't contain her curiosity anymore. She keeps wondering, 'What was it?'.....the strict nuns and the tough discipline, a superior teaching method, better books, more structure, the uniforms, what? So she asks little Jimmy what it was that got him to improve so much. He goes, "Well on the very first day at this new place when I saw that guy nailed up to the plus sign, I knew they weren't kidding around."

A guy is walking down the street minding his own business when he hears some kids shouting repeatedly from the other side of a tall wooden fence, "Eighty-three! Eighty-three! Eighty-three!....." Intrigued, he is no longer able to mind his own business. He walks over to the fence and noticing a convenient knothole, stoops down a little to look through it to see what all the commotion is about and BLAM! He gets a shot of water squarely into his right eye with a squirt gun. As he grabs for his handkerchief to wipe himself off, he hears, "Eighty-four! Eighty-four! Eighty-four!....."

Little Boy: Mommy, Mommy! What are that guy and that lady doing over there? (pointing to a couple kissing in public a bit over-passionately)Mommy: They're uhhh...sharing a stick of gum. Now come along son!

Mother: Jimmy, what are you doing home so early from school?Little Jimmy: I was the only one that could answer a questionMother: Oh? And what question was that?Little Jimmy: Who set Miss Brooks' dress on fire?

Little Kid: Mommy, Mommy! The kids at school called me a three-headed geek.Mommy: Now... there, there, there.

Little Johnny attends his first horse auction with his father. He watches as his father goes from horse to horse running his hands up and down the legs and rear end and chest. After a while he asks, 'Dad, why are doing that?" His father replies, "Well son, it's because when you're buying horsies you have to make sure they're strong and healthy and in great shape." Johnny becomes concerned and says, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

As this little kid walks into the barbershop the barber mutters to the customer while he's cutting his hair, "This is the dumbest kid ever. Wait for this." The barber puts a buck in one hand and three quarters in the other and asks the kid, "Ok son, which one do you want?" The kid chooses the three quarters and leaves. "See what I mean?" the barber says laughing. A little later the customer bumps into the kid outside the candy store so he asks him, "Hey, why'd you take the three quarters when he had a dollar in his other hand?" "Because," the kid explains, "The day I grab the dollar it's game over."