Jokes

Husband & Wife

Wife: When I look in the mirror I get so discouraged. My face is wrinkly, my thighs are flabby, my butt is fat, and my belly is hanging out.Husband: Well at least your eyesight is OK.

A husband and wife are home at night in bed watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'

Husband: Do you want to make out?Wife: NoHusband: Is that your final answer?Wife: YesHusband: In that case, I'd like to call a friend.

Wife: If I died, would you marry again?Husband: Yes, I'm still young. I would.Wife: Would you both live in this house?Husband: Yes, It's all paid for. I wouldWife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?Husband: Yes, It's only a few years old. I would.Wife: Would you let her use my golf clubs?Husband: No, she's left-handed.(Oops!)

Wife: Honey, Look what I found! An old black and white photo you shot of a young, slim me in my favorite party dress on one of our first dates.Husband: Wow! Wuddyknow! It's my old Plymouth!

The CEO is confiding in the junior executive... "My wife complains that I don't display enough passion. That I have no sense of spontaneity. You know, I have a good mind to send her a memo."

Mutt: My wife constantly complains that I don't do enough around the house.
Jeff: Well my wife's always complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.

A husband and wife are driving along but are not talking to each other after a heated argument during the ride. They drove miles and miles in silence but neither would dare budge. Finally, they came upon a pasture where a mule was grazing. "Relative of yours?" the husband asks. "Yeah, by marriage." The wife retorts.

A man is chilling out on the couch reading the newspaper when all of a sudden his wife sneaks up behind him and clobbers him on the back of the head with a heavy cast-iron frying pan. "OW! MAN! What was that for?" he cries. "What's the big idea?" she says, "I found this scrap of paper in your pocket with the name Betty Sue written on it!" "Aw honey," he says, "Don't you remember when I won at the track a few weeks ago. Betty Lou was the name of the racehorse I bet on." The wife remembers and feeling a little embarrassed, says she hopes she didn't hurt him and continues on with her housework. A week later the guy is sitting there in the same chair when doesn't she sneak up on him and once again whack him on the back of the head with the weighty pan. "OW! C'MON NOW! What was that for this time?" he cries. The wife says clenching her teeth, "Your horse called!"

A widow learns when the will is read that her late husband has left the bulk of his fortune to his mistress. Miffed, she calls up the stonecutter who did the tombstone. "Sure I remember you miss," he says, "That was the one where we wrote 'Rest In Peace'. You say you want to add something?" "Immediately!" she says, "Right below that inscribe 'Until We Meet Again'!"

At Mr. Blodgett's funeral, the pallbearers were carrying the casket from the church to the hearse when it became too heavy for them and they bumped it into a pillar. They hear a faint moan coming from the casket and upon opening up, find Mr. Blodgett still alive! He lives for another whole ten years and when he finally died, they held another funeral for him. As the pallbearers were carrying the casket out, Mrs. Blodgett cautioned, "Watch out for that pillar!"

Long-Suffering Wife: Honey, I need a new dress.Cheap Husband: What's the matter with the one you've already got?Long-Suffering Wife: Well, it's way too long and then the veil keeps getting in my eyes.

Marriage Counselor: What seems to be the problem?Wife: Well let me tell you! He's way too much of a baseball fanatic. Baseball this. Baseball that. All he ever talks about or reads about or even thinks or dreams about is Baseball, Baseball, Baseball. Why just yest...(Husband interrupts)Husband: Don't listen to her doc. She's way off base.

Wife: Honey, I just went and paid the doctor another $50 today.Husband: We're close. Just think, three more payments and the baby will be ours.

Steward: Do you prefer port or sherry wine, sir?Husband: Port wine by all means, my good man. Ah! Such joy a good vintage port wine brings. Veritably, the sine qua non of wines. A delectable taste imbued with a mischievous, buoyant air. Almost orchestral in its complexity and between the bouquet and the finish, such a panoply of colors and tonal textures. Yea, effervescent yet restrained. A rare mélange of sensations for the discerning palate which...(wife interrupts)...Wife: And besides, sherry makes him fart.

Old Husband: I could go for a hot fudge sundae.Old Wife (A few minutes later): Here's your tuna fish sandwichOld Husband: But I asked for an omelet

The guys are talking down at the bowling alley how the milkman has seduced every woman on his route except one. Harry goes home and tells his wife the story about their milkman. "Hmmm. I'll bet it's that snooty Mrs. Duncan."

A woman and her husband's best friend were in bed when the phone rang. She took the call and after hanging up, turned to her lover and said, 'That was my husband but not to worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing poker with you."

Husband: Hey Madge! There's a half dozen guys downstairs here with vacuum cleaners and they all say they have appointments to give demonstrations.Lazy Wife: Yes, I sent for them. Just be a dear and send them to different rooms and tell them to get to work.

Wife: Answer the door.Lazy Husband: Hello, Door

A wife got so very mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get lost. As he's leaving she barks, "And I hope you die a long, slow, agonizing, painful death." So he turns around and says, "Oh, so you want me to stay now do you?"

A married couple is sitting out on the porch sipping some wine.Wife: "I love you!"Husband: "Is that you or is that the wine talking?"Wife "It's me talking to the wine."

A guy comes home early from work and finds his wife in bed stark naked. Puzzled he asks, 'Honey, it's the middle of the day. What are you doing up here in the bedroom and why aren't you dressed?" She manages, "I don't know I just...have nothing to wear!" Upon hearing that he says, "Don't be silly," and opening up the closet continues, "you have the red dress, the yellow dress, Hi Charlie, the green dress...."