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Dumb Jokes - Silly Billy & Silly Millie
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Three guys are sentenced to die by firing squad one by one. They bring the first guy out. The general commands, "Ready.....Aim....." and just as they are about to shoot him the guy thinks quickly and yells out, "EARTHQUAKE!" The firing squad scatters all scared and the guy escapes. They bring out the second guy. Again the general commands, "Ready.....Aim...." and just as they are about to shoot him, the guy yells, "FLOOD!" The firing squad panics running for cover and he runs away too. Finally they bring Silly Billy the third guy out. He's feeling confident having learned a lesson from his two companions. So he gets placed against the wall and yet again the general commands, "Ready.....Aim....." and the prisoner yells, "FIRE!"
Three young gals from California go down to Mexico for one wild night out before high school graduation. They get stone drunk and wake up in jail. They discover they are to be executed one by one by electric chair though they can't even remember what it was they did the night before. As they strap in the first one, they ask her if she has any last words. She goes, "Well I'm a devout Born-Again Christian and I believe my Lord and Savior will intervene and save me, the innocent lamb about to be slaughtered." They flip the switch and sure enough nothing happens. They give holy hosannas, prostrate themselves, beg her forgiveness, and send her on her way. They bring out the next one, strap her in and ask her the same thing. She says, "Well I happen to be a devout Muslim and I believe Allah will protect me and not allow any harm to come to me, his blameless follower." They flip the switch and again, nothing happens. Amazed and sincerely apologetic, they beg forgiveness and let her go. The third one, Silly Millie, is brought out and strapped in and they also ask her if she has any last words. "Well I'll tell you what I believe too. I believe you dummies ain't gonna electrocute nobody today if you don't plug this thing in!"
Q: What did Silly Billy's mom remind him as he entered the men's public rest room? A: When you get to the urinal, don't eat the big mint
Q: Why didn't Silly Billy use his new toothbrush?A: He couldn't find the directions
Q: Why did Silly Billy lose his job as an elevator operator?A: He couldn't remember the route
Q: Why did Silly Billy stop using ice cubes?A: He lost the recipe
Q: How come Silly Billy's record didn't sell?A: He forgot to put a hole in the middle
Q: Why did Silly Billy always smell funny on just one side?A: He couldn't find Left Guard at the drugstore.
Slippery Sal and Silly Billy were escaping from the jailhouse via the roof in the dead of night. Sal says to Billy, "I'll go first. You see how I do it then you do the same." Sal ventures across but the guard inside heard footsteps above and became alarmed. 'Halt! Who goes there?" he yells up to the roof after running outside. "Meow. Meow," comes the response from Slippery Sal. Satisfied that it was only a cat, the guard goes back inside. Slippery Sal with no further mishaps gets all the way across and jumps down into the bushes beyond the compound and off to freedom. Silly Billy goes next tip-toeing ever so softly. He almost makes it to the other side when he inadvertently dislodges a tile. "Halt! Who goes there?" yells the same guard after running outside again to investigate this second disturbance. 'The other cat" comes the reply.
Sassy Sarah, Clever Cleo, and Silly Millie have escaped from the women's penitentiary when they reach a barn house. Hearing the cops approaching, they each hop inside these big empty sacks. The cops enter and come upon the sacks. A cop kicks the first sack where Sassy Sarah is hiding so she cries "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" "Oh, it's just a doggie," says the cop. He kicks the second sack where Clever Cleo is hiding so she cries, "Meow! Meow! Meow!" "Oh, it's just a kitty kat," says the cop. Silly Millie hears all this and so has it all figured out what to do next. The cop kicks the third sack where Silly Millie is hiding and she cries, "Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!"
Friend: Hey what did you think of Les Miserables?Silly Millie: Well if they were so poor how could they afford all that antique furniture?
Friend: Silly Millie I think I'm pregnant!Silly Millie: Are you sure it's yours?
Date: Hey Silly Millie, I bought you a gift! Tell me how you like it!Silly Millie: An 'A.M.' radio. Hmmmmmm.....I dunno when I'm ever gonna use it. I listen to the radio at night!
Silly Billy sees Silly Millie on the other side of the pond.... Silly Billy: Hey, how do I get to the other side?Silly Millie: But you're ON the other side!
Friend at Breakfast: Hey Silly Millie, why are you staring at the orange juice carton so intently?Silly Millie: Shhhh! It says 'Concentrate"
Silly Millie( Waitressing): Anything to drink with your breakfast sir?Patron: I could sure use a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream.Silly Millie: I'm sorry sir, but we're all out of cream. How about with no milk instead?
Silly Billy and his friend Sal went on a weekend long fishing trip. They spent a small fortune between renting and buying gear and renting a cabin in the woods but figured it would be worth it. They searched for the best spot in the lake and cast their lines in eager anticipation but caught nothing. They tried a few different spots that looked promising but they still had the same bad luck the next day. On the third day, Sal did manage to haul in one tiny fish. As the dispirited pair drove home, the smart one, Sal, mentioned, "If you add it all up, this one puny little fish cost us 1500 bucks." "No kidding?" says Silly Billy, "Then it's a good thing we didn't catch us any more!"
The 747 had made it halfway across the Atlantic when the pilot says over the loudspeaker, "Attention all passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can reach London with the remaining three. Unfortunately, we will now arrive at our destination one hour late." An hour later, he comes on again and announces, "Sorry folks, but we just lost the third engine but we can still travel on two. Unfortunately, we will now arrive at our destination two hours late." Shortly thereafter, he can be heard on the loudspeaker saying, "Well folks, we have now lost our third engine but we can fly on one. Unfortunately, we will now arrive at our destination three hours late." At this point Silly Millie expresses great concern, "I sure hope we don't lose another engine. We'll be up here all night!"
Silly Billy gets drafted into the army. They're training him to drive a helicopter. He's up maybe 800 feet. He was doing pretty good but then all of a sudden it comes crashing to the ground. Trainer: Hey Silly Billy, what happened?Silly Billy: Oh it got too chilly up there so I turned off that big overhead fan
Silly Billy is out watering the grass. All of a sudden the car next door goes screeching out of the driveway and down the street. The next door neighbor comes running frantically out of his house...... Neighbor: Holy Smokes! My car just got stolen! Hey Silly Billy over there, did you get a good look at the thief?Silly Billy: No sir but don't worry. I got a good description of the car and made sure I got the license number!
Friend: Silly Billy, so glad the flight went well and you made it home safely.Silly Billy: Thanks. But there goes five bucks down the drain for that flight insurance.
Silly Billy: Check out the awesome camera I bought. I already took 300 pictures with it.Friend: I bet it cost you a lot of money to develop all that film.Silly Billy: Film?
Silly Billy runs into a friend as he's walking down the street... Friend: Hey, Silly Billy, wuddyagot in the box?Silly Billy: Froggies. And let's play a game I thought up all by myself. If you can guess how many froggies I got in this box, I'll give you both of them!
Silly Billy is walking past McDonalds when he sees his friend standing outside... Silly Billy: Hey, I didn't know you got a new job!Friend: Sure, Silly Billy. It's a cinch. All I have to do is parade up and down the street wearing this here sandwich board.Silly Billy (reading it): 'Free Big Mac'...Hmmmm....Why? What'd he do?
Two field laborers, Silly Billy and Silly Millie, were toiling under the hot sun one sweltering uncomfortable day. A resentful Billy complained to Millie, "Why do we have to do all this work when the boss over there just sits under the shade tree over there and does nothing and gets more money?" Millie replied, "I don't know. Why don't you go over there and ask him?" So Billy moseys over to the boss, asks about it, and is told, "Intelligence. Plain and simple. Look I'll show you." With that he lays his hand on the bark of the tree and tells Billy to hit his hand as hard as he can. Billy summons up all the anger and frustration that has been mounting within him and just as he is about to land the most powerful blow he can muster, the boss pulls his hand away causing Billy to smack his fist into the tree. As Billy writhes in pain, the boss smiles and says, "See what I mean. That's Intelligence." Still shaking his hand from the ill-timed punch, Billy walks back to Millie who asks, 'What did he say?" Billy says, "I'll explain." He looks around for a tree but not finding one nearby puts his hand to his face and dares Millie, "Hit my hand as hard as you can..."
Clever Cleo and Silly Millie are hanging out at the bar watching the six o'clock news on the overhead TV. There's a guy on there threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. They make a bet that the guy is going to jump. The guy does jump and Millie has to pay Cleo fifty bucks. Cleo feels a little guilty and admits to Millie, "I feel bad now. You're my friend and I feel like I took your money under false pretenses. I have to admit, I saw that same story on the five o'clock news before you joined me. Here's your fifty bucks back." Silly Millie goes, "No you keep it. A bet's a bet. I saw it before too but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Sassy Sarah, Clever Cleo, and Silly Millie are marooned on a desert island for many years. One day when a magic lamp washes ashore, they rub it and out comes a genie. Since he can grant only three wishes, he can allot one wish for each lady. Sarah goes first and says, "I've been stuck here for so very long and haven't seen my family in ages. I miss them so very much! All I wish is to be back home safely with them." POOF! Away she goes. Next it's Cleo's turn, "I feel the same way. I just want to go home too." POOF! She's gone in a flash. Now it's Silly Millie's turn. She starts crying inconsolably, "Oh. Mr. Genie. I feel so lonely. I wish my friends were coming back!"
Judge: Silly Billy. You have been cleared of bigamy. You can go home to your wife now.Silly Billy: Which one?
Judge: You have been accused of grand larceny. In our state you have a choice. The case may be decided by just me the judge or by a trial before your peers.Silly Billy: What are peers?Judge: Well they're your equals. People just like you.Silly Billy: Wuddyamean? A bunch of thieves? No way!
Silly Billy has been up to no good and appears with several other sad sacks in a police lineup for a rape case. As the girl enters the room, he blurts out, "Yup! That's her alright!"
Judge: Do you fully understand that you have sworn under oath to tell the truth?Silly Billy: Yes I do.Judge: And do you fully understand what will result if you are not truthful?Silly Billy: Sure! My side will win!
Judge: Do you plead guilty or not guilty?Silly Billy: Not guiltyJudge: Have you ever been arrested before?Silly Billy: No, this is the first time I ever stole anything.
Principal: Silly Billy, you fake! I know for a fact that you were out yesterday because you were playing baseball not because you were sick!Silly Billy: That's a crock! And I have the fishies to prove it!
Date: Hey Silly Millie, could you do me a big favor and look out your window to see if my blinker is working on your side?Silly Millie: Sure! Ok, Let's see.....Yes,No,Yes,No,Yes,No,Yes,No.....
Friend: Hey, Silly Millie. How did you burn your right ear?Silly Millie: I was doing my shirts and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.Friend: That's terrible. I just noticed your left ear is burnt too. What happened there?Silly Millie: They called back.
Silly Millie: Do you love me with all your heart and soul? With your whole being?Date: Uh-huhSilly Millie: Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world?Date: Uh-huhSilly Millie: Do you think my perfume is enchanting and my lips are like rose petals?Date: Uh-huhSilly Millie: Oh, Yes! You say the most beautiful things!
Counselor: Silly Millie, in order to gain more self-confidence you must try not only to avoid having negative thoughts but using negative words like 'can't' and 'not'. Can you do that for me?Silly Millie: I can't see why not!
Silly Millie: My doggie is losing weight. I just don't get it and I'm worried. I give him plenty of air and sunshine and sleep and exercise.Friend: What have you been feeding him?Silly Millie: I knew I forgot something.
Q: What goes Vroom-Screech,Vroom-Screech,Vroom-Screech.......A: Silly Millie trying to drive through a flashing red light.
The doctor tells Silly Billy that the best way for him to lose weight is a good running program. He suggests 5 miles a day for 30 days and then a follow-up appointment. After following the month-long regimen, Silly Billy calls the doctor and reports that he has lost a lot of weight. The doctor is encouraged and tells him to come in later that day for the follow-up. "One small problem," says Silly Billy, "I'm 150 miles away."
Friend: Boy is that Silly Billy a ninny.Silly Millie: Why is that?Friend: He thinks a football coach has four wheelsSilly Millie: Isn't that silly. How many wheels does it have though?
Silly Billy: My dog is the smartest dog in the worldSilly Millie: How's that Silly Billy?Silly Billy: He can read. The sign said 'Wet Paint" and so he did!
Silly Billy: My horse is the best horse at the track.Silly Millie: Why's that Silly Billy?Silly Billy: It was a 10 horse race and it took 9 horses to beat mine!
Friend: Hey, that sure is a funny pair of socks you have on there. One's yellow and the other one's purple.Silly Billy: Yeah. And even funnier than that, wouldn't you know I have another pair exactly the same back at home too!
Friend: Hey Silly Billy, I heard you almost froze to death. What happened?Silly Billy: Well it all started when I went to the drive-in theatre to see this movie 'Closed for the Winter'.....
Silly Billy: Hey! Guess what? I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone!Silly Millie: That's exciting news but be careful. On the radio they said some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway.Silly Billy: One nut? Hah! There are hundreds of 'em!
Silly Millie: Hey, Silly Billy, what's that? I've never seen one before?Silly Billy: It's called a thermos. The Sears guy told me it keeps hot things hot and cold things coldSilly Millie: Sounds cool. So what you got in it?Silly Billy: A couple coffees and a Popsicle.
Friend: Hey Silly Billy, what a celebration. What's the occasion?Silly Billy: Me and Silly Millie just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it took us only two months!Friend: What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long should it?Silly Billy: Well, on the box it said two to four years!
Friend: Hey Silly Millie, did you hear the joke about the museum curator who showed the tourists two skulls of Cleopatra, saying one was from when she was a girl and the other from when she was a woman?Silly Millie: No, let me hear it.
Silly Billy runs excitedly into the house one day with his hand extended, "Hey Ma! Look what I almost stepped in!"
Receptionist (answering phone): City desk speakingSilly Billy: Wow, talking furniture!
Silly Billy walks into a library and asks for a ham and cheese sandwich. The librarian politely informs him that he's in a library. So he apologizes and now whispers to her, "Can I have a ham and cheese sandwich?
Silly Millie was psyched upon hearing a new car wash was opening up nearby. She gushed, "That's so convenient! I can just walk to it."
Sily Billy is on trial for armed robbery and awaiting the jury's decision. The jury deliberates then returns to the courtroom with a verdict. The foreman states, "We find the defendant Not Guilty." Silly Billy is ecstatic and jumps up from his seat and exults, "That's awesome! I'm so relieved to hear that." But then something crosses his mind and he asks, "Hey, does that mean I can keep the money too?"
Silly Millie gets a job as a secretary/office assistant and gets a call from a manager working from home. He says, "I need you to send me last quarter's margin report but my email is all screwed up today. Just fax it to me." Silly Millie is happy to oblige and says, "Sure!. Coming right up. But be sure to fax it right back. I'm sending over my last copy."
Silly Billy wins the lottery and the jackpot is so big he has to go to the Lottery Commission to claim his prize. He announces, "I'm here to grab my $25 million bucks." The official there informs him, "Sorry but the payout doesn't work like that on this game. You get a million bucks today and the balance is spread out over the next 24 years." SIlly Billy is livid upon hearing this and threatens, "Look. I want my winnings and If I don't get my $25 million right now I'm gonna demand my dollar back!"
Silly Billy is interviewing for a job and miraculously gets it. The interviewer shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations WIlliam, you've got the position!" and walks him to the door. Billy responds, "Gee thanks I appreciate it, " and as he's leaving adds, 'Hey, don't work too hard!"
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