Jokes

Cops

A couple of staties are patrolling the highway in their cruiser when they notice an old couple driving along perfectly adhering to all the rules of the road. The car is clocked at exactly 55 MPH. The driver signals before every turn. He keeps the ideal distance between himself and any cars in front. Impressed, they even follow him home. They notice he stops at every stop sign, honors all traffic lights, and is courteous to pedestrians and bicyclists etc. They wish to commend the occupants for obeying the law so well. The wife gets out of the car first. "Excuse me miss," one of the cops says, "We just had to stop and congratulate your husband for being such an excellent cautious driver." 'Oh why thank you!" she says, "He has to be extra careful you see ever since they took away his license for failing the eye exam."

A guy gets stopped by a cop for driving erratically, weaving in and out of traffic:
Cop: Do you mind breathing into this here breathalyzer so we can check your alcohol level?Driver: Oh no, Officer, I can't possibly do that. With my bad asthma, it could cause an asthma attack and I might die on the spot.Cop: Okay then, how about we take you down to the station and have you pee into a cup to check your alcohol level?Driver: Oh no, Officer, I can't possibly do that. With my bad diabetes, if I try and urinate right now, my blood sugar level will go all out of kilter and I might die on the spot.Cop: Fine then. What if we just go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level?Driver: Oh no, Officer, I can't possibly do that. With my bad hemophilia, if you try and take my blood, I would just keep on bleeding and lose so much blood I might die on the spot.Cop: Jeesh Buddy! All rightee then. What about you simply step outside the car and try to walk along this white line for me?Driver: Oh no, Officer, I can't possibly do that either!Cop: And why not?Driver: Because I'm stinking drunk!

The traffic cop pulls over an older couple on the highway and says to the guy driving...

Cop: License and registration. Don't you realize you were speeding?
Husband: But officer, I was well under the speed limit.
Cop: I clocked you going 65 mph in a 55 mph zone.
Husband: Well then that thing must be broken. You are mistaken.
(At this point the wife leans over and interjects...)
Wife: Officer, it's no use trying to argue with him. He's always belligerent like this when he's had too much to drink.

The patrolman notices a guy staggering all over the street until he makes it to a door. He's having difficulty working the lock and key so the suspicious cop comes over. "Hey! Is this really your house?" asks the cop. "Oh, hello 'occifer', sure is," slurs the tipsy fellow as the door, apparently left unlocked anyway, gives way and sends him spilling onto the floor. He manages to pick himself up and dust himself off and says, "I'll prove it to ya. Look, these are my stairs and (stumbling up) this is my bedroom and this is my wife." "Then who is the man next to her, may I ask?" the cop demands. He hears back, "Well that's simple. That must be me!"

A bank's night watchman notices some lights on inside the bank after hours and hears some noise too. Suspicious, he looks around all over the place finally happening upon a burglar prying open all the safe deposit boxes and piling up the money and jewelry and valuables.

Watchman: Hey! What are you up to?Burglar (Looks up sheepishly): Box #127. Why?

Three men are sitting on a park bench. The guy in the middle is just reading a book while the other two on each side of him are pretending to fish. They are pretty convincing anglers. They bait imaginary hooks. Cast imaginary lines out into an imaginary sea. Reel in their imaginary catch on their imaginary rods. It's all too much for the patrolman passing by to bear and he aims to put a stop to this nonsense. "Hey, you seem OK to me," he says to the middle guy, "But do you know these two clowns?" "Oh yes officer, they're my friends." He replies looking up from his book. "Well in that case, you better get 'em outta my sight! Is that clear?" he barks back. "Oh yes officer, by all means yes," he replies. With that, he puts his book down and starts trying to row away furiously.

Ranger Smith is patrolling Jellystone Park one day when he catches a whiff of something burning. Intrigued, he continues onward until the trail leads him to a remote campground where he finds an old hermit cooking up a meal...

Ranger: What are you cooking there?Hermit: Spotted Owl.Ranger: SPOTTED OWL?!? Are you crazy? That's an endangered species. I oughta take you in.Hermit: How was I supposed to know. I haven't spoken to another person in ages.Ranger: Well all right. But don't let me catch you hunting or cooking up a spotted owl again. (As he starts his journey back down the trail, the ranger can't help but satisfy his curiosity and turns back to the hermit to ask him something.) By the way, what does it taste like?Hermit: Oh, I'd say it's a cross between peregrine falcon and whooping crane.

There's a guy all sprawled out in the middle of the aisle at the movie theater. The usher comes over and says, "Sir, you're blocking the way. Could you please move?" The guy doesn't move a muscle so the usher gets the manager, "Sir, Please get up. We must ask that you move so the other patrons may get by." Still nothing happens so they get the policeman outside to come in, "Hey Mac, get up offa there or I'm gonna have to take you in." No response so the cop queries, "Where did this guy come from anyway?" Finally a faint muffled voice can be heard from the man on the ground, "The balcony."

Two cops come upon a guy in the park selling bottles of water purportedly from the Fountain of Youth. He is hawking his miracle elixir with much relish and panache and doing quite well. It's a familiar old scam to the cops. They figure this guy's a con-artist who has played this same game before so they go back to the computer in the squad car.
First Cop: Check this guy's record for priorsSecond Cop: Yep, our man was busted for the same thing back in 1776, 1859, 1942...

A guy is driving down the road when a cop seeing something funny stops him. He looks in the back seat and queries, "Hey what are these penguins doing here in your car?" The guy answers, "Well they're my penguins. They belong to me. I figured we'd go for a ride." The cop says, "Look, forget all that. You need to take these penguins to the zoo!" The next day the cop sees the same guy driving down the road and pulls him over again. He looks in back again and sure enough the penguins are still there but wearing sunglasses this time. He says, "Hey I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" The guy says, "I did that. And today I'm taking them to the beach."

A guy goes to the police station and begs to speak to the burglar who had broken into his home the night before. The desk clerk informs him,"Look, you'll get your chance to speak to him in court." The guy insists, "But I just have to know now how the heck he managed to get into the house without waking up my wife. I've been trying to pull that off for years!"

A guy is sitting at home watching TV when the doorball rings. It's a police officer who says...Cop: "Good evening sir. Look I don't how to say this but....first, do you have a recent picture fo your wife?"Man: "Sure, just a sec." He grabs a framed piture off the mantle and shows it to the officer who looks at it and says sadly...Cop: "Sir I'm sorry but it looks as if your wife has been hit by a train."Man: "I know, but she has a really nice personality."