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A wiseguy tourist on his honeymoon is up in Wampanoag country and is introduced by the tour guide to an Indian with a reputedly perfect memory. He asks skeptically, "OK. What did you have for breakfast November 8th 1952?" The Indian answers, "Eggs" The tourist scoffingly says , "Hah! Big deal. Everyone eats eggs for breakfast anyway. He's a fraud."50 years later it's his golden anniversary so he and his wife go back to the same place for old time's sake. Sure enough he runs into the same Indian while taking the tour again. He goes up to him and says jovially, "Hey Chief, How!"The Indian replies, "Scrambled"
Piano Tuner: Hi Miss, I'm here to tune the pianoLady: But I didn't call for youPiano Tuner: Yeah, but your neighbors did.
A circus troupe gets lost deep in the jungle and is besieged by cannibals. Two of them are munching away on one of the clowns when one says to the other, "Hey does this taste funny to you?"
"Hey, whatever happened after you sent that letter to your old mean sergeant telling him just where he and the army could go?" the girlfriend asked her boyfriend, who had just completed a trying tour of duty. "Oh yeah, that. Well it figures," the boyfriend said bemusedly, "It came back officially stamped: 'Suggested troop movements must be submitted in triplicate. Execute forthwith forms X,Y, and Z enclosed herein."
A distinguished Japanese diplomat at the U.N. is called back to Tokyo on important business. After a lengthy consultation, he is sent back to New York where he hears rumors that his naive young wife pretty as a porcelain doll has been frequenting the jazz scene and getting friendly with all the hipster musicians. "Yoshiko," the very proper ambassador admonishes her, "is it true you have been diluting your cultural heritage by consorting with these vulgar jazz musicians?" His wife answers in her cute little voice, "Takeshi man, Why you laying such freaking jive-ass bummer trip on me? Why you no chill out, yo."
A passenger is riding along when he taps the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The cabbie screams, loses control of the vehicle, almost plows into a bus, rides up onto the sidewalk, and stops just short of a big glass store window. When the driver regains his senses, he shouts at the fare...Driver: You scared the living daylights out of me! Don't ever do that to me again!Passenger: I apologize but I didn't realize a little tap on the shoulder would frighten you so.Driver: No, I'm sorry. I should calm down. I just got a little freaked out. You see, today is my first day as a cabdriver. Before this I drove a hearse for twenty years!
A famous New York restaurant held an international contest for the best home-made chili and contestants came in form far and wide. The blue ribbon went to the elderly and crafty Mr. Miles O'Sullivan who came all the way from County Cork, Ireland. Part of the deal was that the restaurant would pay a tidy sum to the winner for the recipe and put it on their menu and name it after the creator. Miles happily hands over his formerly secret recipe to the chefs who eagerly review it. One of them asks, "I see your award-winning chili calls for exactly 239 beans. Why just 239? To which the old Irishman replies, "No, laddie. You cain't d'that, um afreed. One more'd make it too-farty."
Customer: I'll bet you twenty bucks you can't reach the meat on your top shelfButcher: No thanks. The steaks are too high.
A father-to-be frantically calls 911 for an ambulance. He's a complete basket case, going totally spastic on the phone... Father-To-Be: "My wife! She's going into labor as we speak! Oh My Gosh! You gotta send someone right away!"Dispatcher: Try and relax now sir. Is this her first child?Father-To-Be: No. This is her husband!Dispatcher (Continuing): Try to remain calm sir. I hear her in the background. What is she saying?Husband: She's screaming 'Shouldn't,Wouldn't,Couldn't,Can't,Haven't, Mustn't' over and over again!Dispatcher: She'll be OK. She's just having contractions...
Employee: Say Boss, I gotta go home early today. My wife, she's gonna have a baby.Boss: Oh well by all means! Good Heavens! That's important. Attend to her right away.Boss (Next Day): So how did it go? Was it a boy or a girl?Employee: Oh I dunno. Gotta wait like 9 months to find that out.
Auto Parts Store Customer: Hi. I'd like to get a gas cap for my Yugo.Clerk: That sounds like a fair exchange to me.
A rootin'-tootin' cowboy wants to apply for a life insurance policy so the company sends the agent out to the ranch where we works. "Have you ever met with any accidents?" the agent quizzes him. "No" says the cowboy aiming to be helpful as always, "A feisty old bronco kicked me in the durn ribs last years and a dang rattlesnake up and bit my left ankle just this a years." The agent scratches his head, "And you don't consider those accidents?" "Naw. Nosiree," says the cowboy, "They done it a-purpose!"
An obnoxious big lout comes lumbering down the aisle of the bus and plops down into a seat next to a wispy nervous guy. Even though there's a NO SMOKING sign posted, he unwraps this huge Cuban cigar and turns to his fellow passenger and says, "My smoking won't bother you now will it?" The small guy pipes in, "Not as long as my puking all over the place won't bother you."
Boy on Date: Did that garlic give me bad breath?Girl on Date: Why discuss such a trivial matter when our city is under gas attack?
An engineer walks into his boss' office while he is intently studying a strange object under a lamp. "What is it that you have there, sir?" the engineer asks. The boss replies, "It looks like plastic but feels rubbery. It has an odd tint. A bit of green and yellow and even brown.' The engineer, now very curious too, requests, "May I have a closer look at it, sir?" The boss carefully hands the specimen over to the engineer who proceeds to roll it around between his thumb and fingers trying to get a feel for it. He surmises, "Very interesting substance. Somewhat viscous yet kind of solid. Quite fascinating actually. Wherever did you get it, sir?" The boss follows, "Out of my nose."
Pablo rides on up to the Mexican border on his bicycle with two hefty bags upon his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What do you have in those bags?" "Sand," replies Pablo. So the guard is suspicious and takes the bags, rips them apart so all the sand comes spilling out. He doesn't see anything in the sand but detains Pablo overnight and has the contents analyzed anyway. The lab finds nothing peculiar either so the guard releases Pablo the next day and after putting the sand into new bags and lifting them onto Pablo's shoulders, sends him on his way across the border.A couple weeks go by and there's Pablo again. The guard says, "What have you got today?" "Sand," our amigo replies as before. The guard, now very suspicious, checks out the sand again but not finding anything, just puts the sand back in the same bags and sends Pablo on his way across the border on his bicycle.This whole sequence of events is repeated it seems like every other week for a few years. Finally, Pablo doesn't show up anymore. The guard kinda misses him and wouldn't you know, runs into him in a cantina in Tijuana one day.Hey Pablo," the guard says, "How come I don't see you anymore?" "Oh, I'm retired now," says Pablo. The guard then begs him, "Ok. Then you gotta tell me. I won't tell anyone. It's just that's it's been killing me for the longest time. It's all I think about. I can't even sleep. Please, Please tell me, what were you smuggling?"Pablo takes a swig of his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A businessman, preoccupied with the business of the day in his head, is sitting alone at his booth at a restaurant. He is deep in thought when a wacky stranger comes over to him and interrupts, "Hiya Zeigler! Hey you changed! You used to be shorter. You grew! You used to be blonde. Your hair's black! You used to have blue eyes. Now they're brown!" The businessman, somewhat perturbed, corrects him, "I beg your pardon, my good fellow, my name's not Zeigler." "Wow. No kidding!" says the stranger, "You changed your name too!"
Friend: Hey Zeke, how's the new job going down at the factory?Zeke: I ain't goin' back there no more.Friend: Why not?Zeke: A buncha reasons. Such sloppiness. Such shoddy workmanship. Such foul language... They just couldn't put up with me another day.
A little old lady is watching late night TV when she sees a convincing ad for skydiving lessons. She signs up, attends all the classes, passes all the tests, and finally the big day comes for the first real jump out of a plane. She's got her parachute ready and remembers all her lessons and it's Zero Hour!, time to leap out into the big blue sky. When she looks at the ground below from that great height up in the plane however, she loses her nerve. She then pulls out a little transmitter from her pocket and radios the control center, "Help! I've gotten up and I can't fall down!"
Mutt: Do you know I had an antiques expert over the house to look at this old desk I inherited and he said the initials A.L. on there could mean that this once belonged to Abraham Lincoln!?!Jeff: You never know. I once bought a bureau and twenty people fell out of it.Mutt: You're kidding me. Really?Jeff: Yeah. It turned out it was one of them Missing Person's Bureaus.
This fellow is suffering from a terrible ringing in his ears. He goes to the doctor who tells him, "I'm sorry to inform you. You have a very rare condition and at best, you've got six months to live." The fellow is pretty distraught but figures since he has no immediate family or close relatives to leave anything to, he might as well cheer himself up and enjoy what little time he has left. He takes a trip around the world. He eats out at the finest restaurants enjoying caviar, roast duck, filet mignon, and rare French wines. He decides he might as well go in style so goes to the best tailor in town and buys his most expensive handmade Italian suit. Not content to buy just any shirt off the rack, he requests to have some custom-made shirts. So the tailor gets out measuring tape, "That's a thirty-two sleeve and a seventeen collar." "No, I've always worn a fifteen collar. I want to order them that way." The tailor says, "All right, whatever you want. But if you keep wearing those, eventually you'll get a ringing in your ears!"
Human Cannonball: I have decided to retireCircus Owner: But you can't! Please No! Where will I find a man of your caliber?
Displeased Diner: Waiter! This fish is bad!Waiter (Looking down at the plate): Naughty fish, you!
Displeased Diner: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!Waiter: That's possible. The cook used to be a tailor.
A mechanic is working underneath a car when he reaches outside for his soda and accidentally takes a swig of brake fluid. He's surprised that he actually likes it and takes another swig then another and finally downs the whole can. So he starts drinking a lot of the stuff and his friend becomes alarmed, "You shouldn't be drinking so much of that brake fluid. It's bad for you." But the mechanic gets hooked on the stuff whereupon the friend gets even more worried, "You have to give that up. Brake fluid is poisonous." "Ah don't worry," says the mechanic, "I can stop any time."
Displeased Diner: Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.Waiter: Of course. After all, it's fresh ground.
Displeased Diner: Waiter! This General Gao Chicken tastes rubbery.Chinese Waiter (Smiling): Ya Ya! And ees a very rubbery eva-ning too!
One day the CEO of a large banking concern happens upon a young man counting huge amounts of cash and handling very sophisticated transactions worth millions of dollars...
Executive: And where did you get your financial training from son?Employee: Yale, sirExecutive: Splendid. A fellow Ivy Leaguer. And what's your name son?Employee: Yeremy Yackson, sir
Wiseguy (at cocktail party): So what kind of work do you do?Other Fellow: I work for the Internal Revenue Service.Wiseguy: Doesn't everybody? Wiseguy (at same cocktail party): So what kind of work do you do?Other Fellow: I run the butcher shop at the supermarket.Wiseguy: Oh, I get it. You're the Meat-Head.
Mom: Get up already, sonny. You're late for school again!Son: Aw Gee Whiz Maw! Leave me alone. I'm not going to school!Mom: And why not?Son: Two reasons. All the kids hate me. All the teachers hate me.Mom: Well I'll give you two reasons why you just have to go!Son: Aw C'mon Maw! And what are they?Mom: One, you're 48 years old and Two, you're the principal!
Female Worker: I need to go home early. I don't feel well at all.Male Supervisor: I see you're not yourself today. You should go home and get some rest. I hope it's not something you caught from me.Female Worker: So do I. It's morning sickness.
Tarzan is trying to get home one day from a hunting trip. Not only do five vicious crocodiles snap at him as he swims across the river, but once he makes it to shore, he has to fend off a fierce lion. After escaping from the beast, he is pursued by a tribe of angry spear-hurling natives. While escaping, a vine he is swinging from snaps and he falls to the ground and rolls on the ground just enough to deftly avoid being trampled by a rampaging elephant. He finally arrives safely at his tree house and is greeted by the lovely Jane... Jane: Hi Tarzan. You look pretty banged up. Rough day today?Tarzan: Oh, lemme tell ya. It's a jungle out there.
A rookie secret agent is summoned to help track down a missing secret agent named Murphy. "We've lost track of him," says the bureau chief, "but he's in a small town somewhere near Dublin. If you think it's him say 'The grass is so green. The sun is so bright' and if he's the right guy, he'll respond, 'I'm in love with a lass named Troglodyte' got it?"He winds up on a lonely country road where he runs into a farmer. "Can I be of any help?" asks the farmer. "Perhaps you can," says the agent, "I'm looking for a fellow named Murphy." The farmer says, "Well you gotta be more specific. You see, down this way there's a whole lot of them Murphy fellas so it can get kinda confusing. God-fearing Father Murphy lives over there. Murphy the butcher lives right there. Murphy the Baker lives up yonder. Murphy the Tinker lives down yonder. And I'm Farmer Murphy. Yep! My name's Murphy too! With that revelation, the agent figures he might as well try the secret code words, "The grass is so green. The sun is so bright' "Ah." says the farmer, "You want Murphy the Spy! He's just beyond that hill!"
A guy tries on an old suit he hasn't worn in six years and finds a claim ticket in one of the pockets for Slo-Mo's Shoe Repair Shop. So he calls the number on the stub to see if his shoes are still around...
Slo-Mo: Were they brown hush-puppies that needed new soles?Customer: Yes, that's them.Slo-Mo: I'll have 'em ready for you in a week.
A pollster is taking a survey of the average American's reaction to the president's latest speech...Pollster: Sir, what do you think about the president's lament last night that the people of this country today are too ignorant and apathetic about the state of the world today?Respondent: I don't know and I don't care.
Mutt: Down at the barber shop the guys are saying you gave up gambling. I don't happen to believe that baloney for a second.Jeff: Oh Yeah?!? How much you wanna bet?
Friend: You should leave your violent husbandWife: But he's so thoughtfulFriend: Thoughtful? He whacked you over the head with a chair.Wife: Yes, but it was the easy chair
Mom: Hi, son. Good to see you back to visit for the weekend. How is college?Son: GoodMom: How's the dormitory?Son: GoodMom: And your roommates?Son: GoodMom: Your school is known for its football team. How do you think they'll do this year?Son: GoodMom: Have you decided what your major will be?Son: YesMom: Great. What is it?Son: Communications
Reporter: President Clinton, What is your opinion of sex on television?Clinton: It can get dangerous if you fall off.
Reporter: President Clinton, Why did the chicken cross the road?Clinton: To the best of my recollection, I don't believe the particular chicken in question was engaging in what could be termed as road-crossing behavior.
Mutt was getting tired of Jeff's endless boasting and name-dropping and decided to put him to the test. "OK Mr. Big Shot, why don't you ring up the President of the U.S.A on the phone?" he demands. "No sweat." says Jeff. He calls the White House, explains who he is, gets put right through, and hands the phone over to Mutt. "Hello, this is the President speaking," says the famous voice on the other line. "OK, that was pretty good," says Mutt, "But let's see you get Her Royal Majesty on the phone." "No sweat," says Jeff. He calls Buckingham Palace, explains who he is, gets put right through, and hands the phone over to Mutt. 'Hello, this is the Queen of England speaking," says the distinctive voice on the other line. "OK, that was pretty good too,' says Mutt, "But Let's see you get the Pope on the phone." "No sweat," says Jeff, "But even better, let's go over to Rome where you can see for yourself that he and I are the best of pals." So they grab a plane to the Vatican and are milling about St. Peter's Square when Jeff suddenly disappears on Mutt. He can't imagine where his friend might have gone and is starting to feel very lost, when a stranger pokes him in the ribs and exclaims, "Hey, look at that! Who's that guy up there on the balcony with Jeff?"
Upon the death of the celebrated Quasimodo, the rector of Notre Dame Cathedral put out the call far and wide for a new bellringer. Lo and behold, the first person to answer the call was a hunchback. Unlike Quasimodo however, this fellow had no arms. The perplexed clergyman inquired, "My son, are you sure you are up to the task?" He explained, "I don't use my arms. It is best I show you what I do." With that he ran to the huge bell, hurled himself towards it, and smashed his face right into the bell producing a glorious clanging sound. Unsatisfied however, he made another run at the colossal bell, leapt at it, and again used his face to make the bell peal even more majestically. Somewhat dazed but giddy with excitement, he sprinted yet again toward the mighty bell and when he hit it full force with his face this time, the bell resonated even more powerfully. After this third blow however, the disoriented fellow staggered a bit and not able to regain his balance, fell backward right into the bell, over the platform, and straight down to the ground far below to his death. Hearing the commotion, the constable pushed his way through the gathering crowd and yelled up to the priest, "Do you know this man?" "No." he replied, "But his face rings a bell."Notre Dame was still without a bellringer so the next day the identical twin brother of the first hunchback showed up. He was also armless and rang the bell the same way. The alarmed priest asks, "My son, are you aware of the tragic fate which befell your brother?" The second hunchback nodded and said, "I can do better. A demonstration is in order." So he charged at the bell, dove at it, and mercilessly battered his countenance right into it, producing a loud gong. Unpleased, he made another mad dash at the bell, hurtled into it, and again whacked his visage directly into the bell. This time an even louder bong emanated from the storied bell. A bit lightheaded but still determined, he streaked toward the bell, flew into it, and rammed his face square into it. The bell let out an even mightier blast but the poor fellow reeled and stumbled from the impact and fell to his death below. The constable again ran toward the scene, jostled through the crowd, then yelled up to the priest, "And do you know who THIS fellow is?" "No," he replied, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Now that both sides have wrapped up their final arguments in the case of the Kentucky moonshiner, the judge turns to the jury and asks...
Judge: Before I give you your instructions so that you may commence deliberations, do you have any questions?Juror: Yes, your honor. Did the defendant boil the fine malt for one or two hours, did he cool it quickly or let it sit, and at exactly what point did he add the yeast?
I was looking forward to attending a book signing at the local bookstore. I wanted to meet the author of a novel I had just read and enjoyed immensely. The heroine, a courageous French peasant girl, braved tremendous hardship and misfortune during hard times yet persevered. I was disappointed to learn that the appearance had been canceled so I went to the front desk to find out why the author didn't make it. They told me she didn't like driving in the rain.
Two actors run into each other in the theater district outside a playhouse.
Snotty Working Actor: Ah, you poor wretch. Still nothing on the boards for you this year? Why am I not surprised? But whatever possessed you to come to see my revue?Out of Work Actor: I have a bad cold. My doctor told me to avoid crowds.
On a transcontinental flight, a man who fancies himself as some type of Casanova is seated next to an attractive woman. "What type of man are you attracted to?" asks the man. "Well I've always been impressed with Native-American men, so wise and in harmony with nature, but I'm really drawn to the Jewish fellows who put women high on a pedestal, and I just love the way those gentlemen from down South treat their ladies with such respect." 'Oh I see," says the Lothario nodding his head, "Well please allow me to introduce myself, I'm Geronimo Rubenstein but my friends just call me Rhett."
Devoted Son: Ma, you should really come live with us. You shouldn't be living alone anymore. You get confused too easily lately.Mom: Oh sonny, you worry too much. I'm no scatterbrain yet. My mind is still there, knock on wood. (She knocks on the table three times) Oh dear me! Someone's at the door. Excuse me!"
A drunk is wandering around Times Square and tumbles down a staircase into the subway at 42nd St. A half hour later he pops up at 44th Street. "Hey, where the heck do you disappear off to?" says a fellow drunk who'd been looking for him the whole time. The first drunk replies, "Down in this guy's basement and Man! You wouldn't believe the train set he has!"
A nervous bank-robber storms into the bank brandishing a gun and barking at the teller:
Robber: Gimme all the money! One false move and you're geography!Teller: Don't you mean history?Robber (Screaming): Don't change the subject! Just hand over the cash!
The stewardess made an unpopular announcement over the public address system just after the plane took off, "We apologize for the inconvenience but the plane's restroom is out of order." The passenger started grumbling and murmuring immediately but then she cheerfully added, "To compensate for this, free drinks will be served."
Marty, an aspiring actor, is trying to impress his girlfriend and her parents at a posh restaurant. As he walks to the phone booth to call his agent, he runs into none other than Sir Lawrence Olivier. "Mr. Olivier!" the guy gushes, "I'm studying acting and I must say that any success I've had so far is from studying and emulating you, THE master thespian. Oh man, this is the thrill of a lifetime meeting you! Say, could you do me a huge favor and just come by my table and say in front of my girlfriend and her folks something like 'Hey Marty! How's it going? Introduce me to your friends.' It would be such a gas and would mean so much to me!"Olivier is in a jovial mood and figures what the hell and goes along with it just for kicks. He waits for Marty to get back to his table and strolls on over..."Holy Smokes!" says Marty's girlfriend excitedly, "It's Sir Lawrence Olivier and he's coming our way! Oh Marty!""Marty my good chap! What a sight for sore eyes! Please introduce me to your esteemed guests!" says Olivier in convincing fashion.Marty gives him a blank stare and says..."Jeesh Larry, can't you see we're trying to eat here? Catch you later!
Mike: Would you believe all our furniture goes back to Louis the fourteenth?Ike: No kidding, really?Mike: Yep. If we don't pay Louis before the 14th of this month, he's gonna send his guys in the van and take it all back to the store!
Two teens are walking home from a scary movie when they decide just for kicks, since they're in a spooky kind of mood, to take the short cut through the cemetery. They quickly stop laughing and joking when they here a persistent tapping noise coming from somewhere in the gloomy mist. Being adventurous youths they approach, albeit a bit nervously, to the grave from whence the sound is emanating. They come upon an old man chiseling away at one of the headstones. "Whew!" they say breathing a big sigh of relief, "You scared us half to death! For a minute we thought it was a ghost! What are you doing working so late for anyway?" The old man answers, "They misspelled my name on here!"
An avid classical music student is researching the life of Ludwig van Beethoven. His quest brings him full circle from the his birthplace to schools where he studied, venues at which he performed, pubs and shops he frequented etc. all the way the cemetery at which he was buried. He finds the headstone with his hero's name inscribed on it with the years 1770-1827. As he contemplates the magnitude of the man's talents and contribution to mankind, he thinks he hears music, the Ninth Symphony to be exact, emanating from the grave. Not only that, it is being played backwards! Startled, he runs to get a friend and persuades him to return with him. The friend assures him that he is not crazy but that there is indeed music in the air but it is now Beethoven's Eighth Symphony and it too is being played backwards. The two shaken fellows agree to consult a mutual friend, a music scholar. When they arrive back together, the scholar concurs that the strange phenomenon is quite real and notes that the music now playing backwards is the Seventh Symphony. They decide to stay and soon enough an amazed crowd gathers. The symphonies keep coming one after in reverse order from when they were created. They hear being played backwards the Sixth, Fifth, Fourth, Third, and are listening to the Second when the groundskeeper shows up. They can't help but ask him if he has any explanation for the unusual music. "Oh, it's nothing at all to worry about really," he says, "He's just decomposing."
Passerby: You poor man, Here's a buck for you.Beggar: Thanks, Mac. But you know they don't actually refer to us as 'poor' anymorePasserby: Whatever do you mean?Beggar: Well, way back they called me 'poor' but then they started calling me 'needy'. That was followed by a phase where they said I was 'underprivileged' but then they decided I was 'disadvantaged'.Passerby: Interesting. Thanks for the clarification. But what difference does it make?Beggar: Well, I still ain't gotta dollar to my name save yours but I'm sure building a hell of a vocabulary!
Joe is outside tending to his garden when he notices a funeral procession of some kind slowly wending its way toward his house. He sees one hearse followed by another hearse followed by a man walking solemnly behind. In back of him is a dog followed by about two hundred other guys walking silently in single file. Curious, Joe approaches the man behind the second hearse and asks about who's in the hearses. "My wife's in the first one. My dog here bit her and she died." "Oh that's terrible," says Joe as the man continued on, "My mother-in-law is in the second. My dog here bit her and she died too." "Oh that's terrible," said Joe again. Joe mulled this over for a few moments and couldn't help but ask the man, "Say, could I borrow your dog for a while?" The man sighed and shrugged his shoulders, "Get in line."
Mutt: That's too badJeff: What's too bad?Mutt: LifeJeff: What's Life?Mutt: A magazineJeff: How much?Mutt: Twenty-five centsJeff: But I only have a dime.Mutt: That's too badJeff: What's too bad?Mutt: LifeJeff: What's Life?ad infinitum...
Mother: Junior, did you find my suggestion helpful to go on the Internet for research to help you with your history report?Son: Oh Yes! Absolutely! So far, I've found eighteen different places where they sell them.
Fortune-teller: I see great misfortune and disappointment for someone close to you.Customer: Hey, you're right. I don't have any money to pay you!
Waitress: Hi! Welcome to Bickford's where we serve breakfast at any time!Patron: Oh, well in that case I'll have...French toast during the Renaissance.
A forty-something guy is leafing through the newspaper when he comes across a death notice of an old high-school chum, Charlie. This brings a mid-life crisis upon him. "Life is too short," he tells his wife, "I'm going to buy that boat I always wanted." At the marina he runs into another former classmate who says, "Too bad about Charlie. You know, the boating accident and all."
First Percussionist: Hey, this stand-in maestro is too short. I can't see him from back hereSecond Percussionist: He can't help it. He's a semiconductor.
An office manager asked to have a word with a new employee who was habitually late. He explained to her that this was unacceptable and was causing friction in the office. Her co-workers had noticed her constant tardiness and were complaining to him about it calling her callous and ignorant. She agreed there was a problem and offered a possible solution to the supervisor, "Isn't there another door I could use?"
Guest: Hey You! What are these awful mattresses stuffed with anyway?Innkeeper: Why, straw sir.Guest: Well now I know what happened to the straw that broke the camel's back!
A guy goes on a long trip to Europe and entrusts his beloved cat to his younger brother's care while he's gone. He calls his brother during the trip to inquire about his precious pet. "The cat dropped dead," the brother says bluntly. The guy is all torn up over this. "Wuddyamean? I loved that cat more than anything. Couldn't you break the news to me in a little nicer way? Why are you always so callous? You could've said something like 'The cat got stuck on the roof and the fire department couldn't get there in time' or something like that. You gotta kinda romance things a bit with news like that!" The brother is very apologetic now, "I'm so sorry. I know. You've been telling me for years I should be more tactful and put more thought into what I say before I say it. I'll try and do better next time, I swear." "OK little brother," the guy says calming down somewhat, "Let's put it behind us. So how are you? And how's mom?" There's a long pause then the brother says, "Uh...Mom's on the roof..."
The church secretary answered the phone and an obnoxious caller said, "Honey, put me through to the chief hog of the trough." The proper woman chided him, "Sir that is not the proper way to refer to our esteemed pastor. He is a well-respected, dignified man who works tirelessly for his church." Sorry Ma'am," he replied, "I just wanted to donate a hundred thousand smackeroos to your church." Quickly she replied, "Just a minute. Here comes that big fat pig waddling up to the door now."
Two guys are lost in the desert for weeks and are near death from lack of food and water. They see an oasis in the distance and as they get closer, become more and more confident it's not just a mirage. They can make out a tree and as they approach realize it's a majestic bacon tree! It's just loaded with luscious strips of bacon hanging from every branch. You name it. Crispy bacon. Smoked bacon. Raw bacon. Juicy Canadian bacon. "We're saved Henry!" cries Larry as he runs ahead to have his fill of the wonderful life-giving food. As Larry gets close to the tree however, there is deafening machine gun fire and he is felled by a hail of bullets. As he crumbles to the ground, he gasps to a shocked Henry, "Run for your life! That's no bacon tree...it's a ham bush!
A guy gets married and has his old friend over one day. While the friend is waiting in the parlor, he strikes up a conversation with the new wife...
Friend: I'm sure glad he finally settled down. What ever happened to that dopey annoying blonde your husband used to run around with?Wife: I dyed my hair.(OOPS!)
Young lady: So Wow! You married four times? Who were these guys and why did you marry them?Older lady: Well first came the millionaire then the entertainer then the minister and then the undertaker. It was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!
Son: Momma, they say papa was hanged. Is that so?Momma: Papa was just taking part in a public function when the platform gave way, son.
A former K-Mart employee newly hired at Best Buy was given the task of making the announcement over the loudspeaker that the store was about to close. She began with, "Attention K-Mart shoppers..." but realizing her mistake she quickly figured her way out of the mess, "You are in the wrong store."
Once upon a time there was a handsome prince. He refused to marry a mean damsel and she had an evil witch cast a powerful spell on him. He fell under an unfortunate curse whereby he could speak only one word each year. He did have the option however of saving up his words and let them carry over to the next. So if he chose not to speak one word on any given year, he could speak two words the next year. One day while riding his horse he espied and fell in love with a beautiful princess with long flowing golden hair, big black eyes, and ruby red lips. He found it difficult not to just blurt out "Hello" or something the first year but he managed to contain himself so he could say "My darling!" to her the next year. But instead of saying that, he decided to go another year and tell her "I love you". When that time came, he changed his mind again deciding that he'd rather wait two more years and say something five words long, "My darling, I love you", a more power-packed combination of the two things he had wished to say. But at the end of five years, he was now so madly in love with her that he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he decided to refrain form speaking for four more years so that he could say, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" Finally as the ninth excruciating year came to a close, he was simply bursting with joy and anticipation. He brought the lovely long-haired princess to a romantic and bucolic spot in the woods, sat her down, laid a dozen red roses on her lap, knelt before her, clasped her hand tenderly, gazed at her admiringly, and uttered longingly, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" At which point the princess flung her long flowing golden hair back behind her dainty ears, opened her big black eyes wide, parted her ruby red lips and said, "Pardon?
Two rich fat cat industrialists were at their men's club arguing.... Mr. Cash: I say there's a haberdashery on East 5th and K.Mr. Gold: I say there is not. Hence, let us make a sociable wager on this business. Say one million dollars.Mr. Cash: Yes but add to it a box of cigars. Let's make it interesting.
Carpenter: Do you have a Phillips screwdriver?Wiseguy: No, but if I can find some orange juice and some milk of magnesia, I'm sure I could mix one up for you.
Mutt: I just noticed. Your wedding ring is on the wrong finger.Jeff: I married the wrong girl.
At an Iraq war briefing George W. Bush was informed that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in the most recent fighting. "Oh No! That's terrible," said the President. He became deeply distraught and put his head in his hands. His advisors were touched by this honest display of emotion and patiently waited for their commander in chief to collect himself. Finally he looked up from his desk with watery eyes and asked, "So how many million is a brazillion?"
Chatty Lady: How was Italy?Non-Talkative Guy: Italian
Q: So was your friend shocked over the death of his mother-in-law?A: Shocked? He was electrocuted!
Q: I'm so very sorry to hear your mother-in-law fell off the cliff. Were you close to her?A: Oh yes, just close enough to push
After five long years of intensive study a student comes running into Einstein's office exclaiming, "Sir! I've finally grasped your Theory of Relativity!" Einstein rolls his eyes and says, "Well it's about time."
Boyfriend: "I have a some difficult things to say to you."Girlfriend: "Well you're scaring me. Just say whatever it is. Out with it!"Boyfriend: "Haberdashery. Quinoa. Anemone."
Boyfriend: "I have to admit to you. I have a big crush on Beyonce."Girlfriend: "Yeah well, whatever floats your boat."Boyfriend: "No, that would be buoyancy."
Interviewer: "Let's see here...Can you type fast?"Applicant. "Oh Yes. That and many other words too."
Interviewer: "Hmmm...How do you explain these gaps in your resume?"Applicant: "Those would be from the space bar."
A Dutchman is explaining his nation's flag which is very similar to the U.S.A. flag to an American tourist:Dutchman: "It's about our taxes really. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get the bill. and blue when we pay."American: "It's the same thing with us. But we see stars too!"
An American couple approaches the U.S.-Canada border and upon reaching the checkpoint must speak to the customs agent...Customs Official: "What's the purpose of your visit?"Wife: "We're headed to a wedding."Customs Official: "Are you carrying weapons of any kind...knives, guns?"Wife: "Oh well no sir, it's not that kind of wedding."
A mafioso discovers that his deaf accountant has embezzled a million bucks from him. He goes to the number cruncher's office to confront him and brings along an interpreter. Whenever the angry mobster asks a question the interpreter and the accountant do sign language back and forth and then the interpreter translates...Mobster: "Ok smart aleck, where's the money?"Interpreter: He says, "What money? What are you talking about?"Mobster now brandishing a pistol: "Ask him again!"The accountant quickly signs: "OMG! He's gonna kill me! Okay! I buried the loot behind the toolshed in my brother Guiseppe's backyard!"Mobster: "What'd he just say?"Interpreter: "He says you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
Interviewer: "So what kind of starting salary are you looking for?"Applicant: "I'm thinking like $125K and a strong benefits package."Interviewer: "OK, how's about we meet that $ amt and include five weeks vacay, 2 weeks of paid hoildays, top tier medical and dental, disability insurance, a 401K with 100% company matching, and a new Lincoln Continental for a company car?"Applicant: "Wow! Are you kidding me?"Interviewer: "Sure I am but hey, you started it."
Two grumpy old men are working at a retail store. An exuberant cheerful young customer shows up, quickly picks something out, and brings it to the front to check out. She gushes, "What a fine day it is to be alive! What a wonderful store and what charming gentlemen. Have a wonderful day and thank you for being you." She leaves and one of them says, "Well! She certainly was all bubbly and jovial and full of good cheer and compliments." The other guy agrees saying. "Yeah I hear ya, Can't say I liked her much either."
Late one night well after dark two friends are walking home after a party when they opt to take a short cut through a spooky cemetery. They're halfway through when they hear a mysterious rat-a-tat-tat coming from somewhere nearby. They quicken their pace through the shadowy mist and are startled when they come upon an old man chipping away at a gravestone with hammer and chisel. "Holy Smokes!" says one of the friends, "SIr you had us scared out of our minds. We thought it was a ghost or something. But what are you doing working out here so late?" The old guy answers grumbling, "Ahhh! Darn fools! They misspelt my name!"
A drunk walks into a lounge and soon notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He's staring at her scrutinizing her for like ten minutes then finally just saunters on over and plants a big wet kiss on her. She jumps up from the stool and slaps him in the face...Drunk: "Oh I'm so sorry miss. I thought you were my wife. You look so much like her."Woman: "Yuk! Get lost you worthless sicko good-for-nothing lush!"Drunk: "Holy Smokes. You even sound like her too!"
Moritmer the inventor is lugging these two huge suitcases through the airport one afternoon when a stranger approaches and says...Stranger: Hey buddy, you got the time?"Mort glancing at his watch: "It's a quarter to three"Stranger: "Hey that's a nice watch you got there."Mort: "This watch here, I built it. It's got everything. I can activate audio mode and it will tell the time in any language. Has GPS, stereo sound to listen to music, and a shortwave radio built into it. It can fire small poison projectiles at attackers and kill bedbugs and pests via sound wave among other things."Stranger: "Wow! That's awesome. How much you want for it?"Mort: "Sorry it's not for sale. This is my prototype."Stranger: "Yeah but I'll give you a thousand bucks for it."Mort: "I just can't. It's my only one and it's not quite ready for market..."Stranger: "OK five thousand. Whattaya say?"Mort: Well all right but um...."The impatient stranger forks over the cash, grabs the watch off Mort's wrist, thanks him excitedly feeling like he's James Bond now, and starts walking away but Mort yells out while chasing after him with his heavy suitcases...Mort: "Wait! You forgot the batteries."
A guy from Florida decides to go up and visit his brother and wife in Alaska. He gets all the way up there to Fairbanks and they start talking. The host asks his brother from the States as the temperature drops to below zero, "So how's it going? How do you like things up here." The visiting brother goes, "Man it's freezing here! I can't believe you can live up here." The host brother goes, "It's no problem really. We're used to it by now." The visiting brother shivers and says, "Sure. For you folks...zero is nothing."
A guy is trying to send an e-mail at work but is stuck on word choice. He asks his coworker, a nice lady who used to be a schoolteacher, "Hey what's another word for plenty or surplus?" She answers, "Abundance." He replies, "Thanks. That means a lot."
A lonely woman finds a magic lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie...Woman: "Amazing! A genie! Do I get three wishes now?"Genie: "No miss, I'm just a one-wish genie so make it count. What shall it be?"Woman: Well...I am looking for a mate but why be selfish. I think I would prefer world peace. I mean just look at this map I have here. All these different countries here are fighting one another and need to stop."Genie: "Wars have been going on since civilization began. And there's a lot of money in it for the bankers and elites who profit from both sides and instigate the conflicts. Look, I'm just not that good. How about something else?"Woman: "Ok then let's go back to my personal situation. I would like a man who's kind and considerate and helpful and good with the kids. Someone who likes to cook and help with the household chores. A guy who's handy too and doesn't just watch sports all day on TV."Genie: "Hmmmmm....Let's take another look at that map of yours."
A traveling salesman walks up to a house and rings the doorbell. A kid answers so he asks him, "Hey buddy, is your mommy home. I would like to show her what I have for sale. Where is she?" The kid answers, "Well she's out back making out with the goat." The salesman is appalled and says, "Huh? That's a crazy thing to say. Now where is your mommy?" The kid insists, "Like I said, she's in the backyard getting busy with the goat." The salesman is exasperated now and says to the kid, "Ok then bring me out back there and let me see for myself what you're talking about." So the kid takes him through the house and out the back door but then the guy just can't believe what he sees. There's the mother down on the ground shtupping the goat. He's beside himself and exclaims, "That's disgusting. That's insane. That's downright obscene. It's bestiality. A horrible sin. What the heck is going on! What's this world coming to? Sheesh kid, doesn't this bother you at all?" The kid says, "Naaaah, Naaaaah."
A man falls out of a tenth floor window. As he crashes to the ground a passerby runs over to him and asks, "Buddy, what happened?" The guy on the ground says, "I dunno. I just got here myself."
The CIA sends two assassins down to South America to bump off a dictator they helped put in power but have become disenamored with. The two go down there and study all his routines and habits and decide he is most vulnerable at noon each day when without fail he shows up at his backyard patio for five minutes to stretch out and get some fresh air. So the two sharpshooters set up shop up in a tree nearby and get their scopes just right and get their positioning all set just right so everything will go smoothly. Noontime comes but the dictator doesn't show. Fifteen minutes pass then a half hour and still the dictator is a no-show. Finally one hired killer says to the other, "Geez. I sure hope nothing happened to him!"
An inqusitive little sister is curious about a nice piece of jewelry her big sister is wearing and pointing at it asks...Little Sis: "Hey, where'd you get that from?"Big Sis: "Oh somewhere or other."Little Sis: "Did you buy it or get it as a gift?"Big Sis: "I don't remember." Little Sis: "Looks nice. How much did it cost?"Big Sis: "Couldn't tell you."Little Sis: "Well what do you call it? What is it exactly?"Big Sis: "Why it's an Honesty Charm!"
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