Jokes

Bar / Bartender

A gorilla saunters into a bar and sits down on the stool, and orders up a martini. The bartender is perplexed but can't see any reason not to serve the beast. The bartender serves him up the drink and is even more surprised when the gorilla casually flips him a ten dollar bill. He goes back to the register but decides to pull a fast one and give him only one dollar in change. He does so and the gorilla doesn't say anything and just sits there and drinks his martini. Finally the bartender just can't help himself. He just has to say something. "You know, we just don't get many gorillas up in here." The gorilla replies, "Well at nine bucks a drink, I'm not too surprised."

A grasshopper hops into a bar and takes his place atop a stool. The bartender sees him and smiles and says, "Hey, you know they named a drink after you?" "No kidding?" says the grasshopper, "They have a drink named Stan?"

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a traveling salesman, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?"

A hamburger and a hot dog come walking into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve food here."

Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, I can't serve you......you're Bard!"

Customer: Hey bartender, what kind of bird is that?Bartender: Oh, that's my Crunchy BirdCustomer: Never heard of that species. What does it do?Bartender: Just watch what happens when I take this newspaper off the bar here and throw it down on the floor (throws down paper). Crunchy Bird, my newspaper!With that the majestic brightly multi-colored bird swoops down and ferociously attacks the newspaper quickly tearing it to shreds so it's nothing but confetti then flies back to its perch.Customer: Wow! That was something! May I try?Bartender: Sure, be my guest.The customer removes his old hat-he's tired of it anyway and it's time to buy a new one-and flips it to floor.Customer: Crunchy Bird, my hat!The crazed exotic bird comes flying off its perch again and mercilessly pummels the hat. In no time the hat is barely recognizable and all in tatters. Mission accomplished, the bird obediently goes back to his perch. Just then a tough guy saunters in.Tough Guy: Hey barkeep, Give me a scotch on the rocks.He's not in a particularly good mood and angrily looks around the bar. He snarls at the first customer, "Hey, what the hell you looking at?" at which the first customer shrugs nervously. He keeps glancing around sizing up the establishment upon which he notices the bird staring at him.....Tough Guy: And what the hell is that thing?Bartender: Oh, that's my Crunchy BirdTough Guy: Crunchy Bird, My ass!...(OUCH! You know the rest)

A guy walks into a bar. He sees this dog sitting at the piano bench playing a Bach concerto. The man is so impressed that near the end of the performance he approaches the dog to get his autograph. The dog stops playing and growls angrily at the guy sending him scurrying back to his stool. 'Don't worry," says the bartender to the shaken up patron, "his Bach is worse than his bite."

A guy walks into a bar and orders up a beer. He takes a sip and sets it down on the bar. A mischievous monkey comes flying across the room, lands on the bar, knocks his beer over, slaps him in the face, screeches wildly, and flies off. The guy is upset and asks the bartender who owns the offending animal. The bartender points to the piano player and so the guy walks over to him and says, "Hey, do you know your monkey knocked over my beer?" The pianist answers, "No, but if you hum it, I can play it!"

Mort, far from home on a business trip, drops by a small-town tavern out west to relax and have a drink. Soon a big commotion develops outside. A local comes in looking petrified. "What's the matter, Smitty?" asks the bartender. "Rrrrrrrun for yyyyour lives! Big Bubba's a-comin!" Everyone including the bartender scatter in such a hurry that they leave slowpoke Mort alone there in the barroom. Before he can get himself out of there, in comes this giant of a man. He's throwing tables and chairs around and raising all kinds of hell before he walks up to the bar. Noticing the bartender is gone, he bellows at Mort, "Gimme a drink I say!" Mort nervously reaches over the bar and grabs a bottle of whiskey for the brute who drinks the entire thing in one gulp then proceeds to eat the the bottle too for good measure! He's clearly enjoying the feast crunching away on the glass, when an obviously shaken Mort stammers, "Cccan I ggget you another drink?" "No siree pardner," says the massive lug, "I gotta split. Didn't you hear Big Bubba's a-comin'?"

A guy walks into a bar and throws a big chunk of asphalt down onto the bar and yells to the bartender, "I'll have one for me and one for the road."

A guy is just chilling at the bar having a drink when he finds a big black bug in his drink. Horrified, he shouts to the bartender to take it back and grossed out now, just storms out without even asking for another one. When he gets home he's still mad so he dashes off an angry letter to the bar owner. A week goes by and he gets a letter back from the bar. It says, "Dear Sir, We received your letter and your complaint was a great cause of concern to us. In all our eighteen years in business such a mishap as this has never occurred. We will do everything possible to rectify the situation and make sure it never ever happens again. We appreciate your comments and heartily wish for your continued patronage of our establishment. Please accept our deepest apologies." The guy is pretty satisfied with their genuine remorse but then he finds a post-it note that was inadvertently stuck on the back of the letter. It reads, "Send this whiny pain in the neck 'The Bug Letter' "

Bartender: Hey ain't seen you in a while. Where you been, Smitty?Smitty: Aw man, I was on this great whirlwind tour around Europe and bought me a brand new Corvette and a whole new wardrobe too. I've been out living the Life of Riley.Bartender: Well what brings you back here?Smitty: Riley reported his credit cards as missing.A traveling salesman wanders into a strange new town. He notices it's the nuttiest town he's ever visited inhabited by the looniest people he's ever seen. The signs are all upside down. The numbers on the big town clock are all out of order. A couple is walking about town, the man in an Eskimo suit but the woman wearing a bikini. He sees a dog out walking an owner. It's all too surrealistic for him so he rushes to the pub to get a stiff drink. He watches as a guy across the bar guzzles down his drink but to his amazement also eats the goblet, except for the stem. He thinks his eyes are betraying him but then sees him order another and do the same thing. "I think I need a shrink!" he mutters aloud. A guy chirps in from the next stool, "I'm the town psychiatrist. Perhaps I can help." The salesman says, "Well am I glad to see you, doc! You see what that guy's doing over there? You can't tell me that's not eccentric behavior! I mean is he crazy or not?" 'He must be," says the shrink, "The stem's the best part."

A guy takes the elevator up to a second story bar, finds himself a stool, and orders up a drink. There's a guy sitting next to him who strikes up a conversation with him about how unique the wind currents are at this particular spot outside the building. "You can just fly right out there and come right back in. It's amazing really." The first guy expresses skepticism and just can't believe it so the second guy says, "I'll prove it! Allow me to demonstrate." He opens a window jumps out and while in midair does a little pirouette and even a backflip then comes back in. "Told you those wind currents were great. You know you can do the same thing too! It's fun! Why don't you give it a go?" After a few more drinks and some more prodding, the first guy feels more emboldened and decides to test the wind currents himself. He jumps out the window and PLOP! crashes right to the ground. The bartender looks at the second guy and says, "Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."

A young couple gets married and has a kid. Unfortunately, the baby is born with no arms and legs and not even a torso, just a head. Regardless, the parents love their son and raise him as well as they can with touching care and compassion. When his son reaches twenty-one, the dad tells him he's very proud of him and since he is now of drinking age, takes him to the bar for his first beer. He orders a big hearty brew for his son. The customers look on curiously while the bartender reluctantly serves them but just shakes his head expecting the worst. The boy takes his first sip of brew and FWAP! A torso pops out from under his head. The bar falls silent in awe but realizing it's a miracle starts cheering wildly. The father, thoroughly amazed, begs his son to take another swig. The patrons are hooting and hollering, "Go! Go! Go!" to the boy while the unhappy bartender continues to shake his head. The boy takes another belt and THWOP! Two arms pop out of the torso. The boy is getting a little tipsy at this point but with his dad encouraging him and the crowd chanting for him, he takes a big gulp and WHAM! Two legs pop out. He starts stumbling around wobbling to the left then the right then out the door to the sidewalk whereupon he staggers onto the street and KAPOW! A truck runs smack into him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent in shock. He father is inconsolable. The unsurprised bartender meanwhile just whistles a tune, wipes the bar, and cleans the glasses. The father cries out, "How can you be so callous? What's the matter with you?" The world-weary soul replies, "Ah, he shoulda quit while he was a head."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorilla behind the bar serving drinks. The gorilla comes over to take his order, but realizing he is being stared at, asks the guy, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a gorilla tending bar before?" "Oh, it's not that," says the guy, "I just never thought the giraffe would ever sell the place."

A guy is sitting at the bar telling the bartender about the craziest day ever in his life. He recounts...Patron: I tellya it was nuts. Surreal. I'm on this horse yasee. He's galloping along at full speed. On my right I swear it's an elephant and he's running just as fast as the darn horse! Right in front is this other horse and he's running just fast enough that we don't collide with him. Then a little behind us is this lion chasing after us right on our heels it seems. You'd think this was a dream or an acid trip but it was for real!"The barkeep, his curiosity piqued, says, "Yikes. That's wild. What happened next?"The patron wipes the sweat off his brow he has from reliving the episode, takes a sip of his beer, and says...Patron: What could I do? I had no choice. I got off the merry-go-round as soon as the carny slowed it down!"