Jokes

Animals

Two sheep are grazing in a field.One sheep goes, "Baaaa."The other sheep turns and says, "Hey. I was just about to say that."

A snail is crossing the road when out of nowhere he gets run over by a turtle coming the other way. While he's in the emergency room regaining consciousness, they ask him for details. The snail struggles to recall the traumatic event but has trouble piecing it together, "I'm not so sure. It all happened so fast."

One fine morning a guy hears a knock at the door and answers it only to find a snail on the ground right by the doorstep. He picks it up and throws it into the woods. Two years later, he hears a knock at his door. He goes to answer it, opens the door, and finds the same snail. The snail says, "What was that all about?"

A guy goes to the movies and can't help but notice there's a lady sitting up front with her doggie in the next seat. He's amazed that the dog laughs in all the right places throughout the comedy. After the movie when the lights come on, he runs up front to speak with the lady, "Excuse me miss, " he says to her, "It was astonishing how much your dog enjoyed that movie!" "I'm pretty surprised myself," says the lady, "He hated the book."

A traveling salesman is walking down a country lane when he hears a voice calling him from behind a tree. All he can see there is a horse. "Hey, remember me? I won the Kentucky Derby just a few short years ago." 'Well I'll be!" the man exults, "A talking horse! What are the odds of that?" So he runs over to where he sees a farmer working and asks excitedly, "Hey, is that your horse?" "Sure is fella," the farmer replies. "Well what do you want for him? I'll take that horse!" the salesman exclaims. "That darn horse ain't no good. But if you're a-wantin' 'im so bad, I'll give him to ya fer a-twenny bucks," answers the farmer. "It's a deal!" says the visitor. As he's walking off to collect his new prize possession, the farmer remarks, "Hey, has he been spoutin' off all that baloney about winnin' the Kentucky Derby agin'? I happen to know fer a fact he done come in last."

Two turtles are having a drink at the bar when they hear on the overhead TV that it's going to rain later on. The big turtle says to the little turtle, "Hey, Go home and get the umbrella." The little turtle says, "Yeah, but as soon as I leave, you're just gonna drink my beer." "No I won't," says the big turtle, "I promise. Now go get the umbrella." Well time passes and two years later the big turtle says to the bartender, "Looks like he's not coming back. I might as well drink his beer." As he's reaching for it a small voice cries out from just outside the door, "If you touch that glass, I won't go home to get that umbrella."

Two frogs are sitting on adjoining lily pads in the pond. One turns to the other and says, "Time's fun when you're having flies."

A guy is teaching his new parrot to talk...Owner: I can walkParrot: I can walkOwner: I can talkParrot: I can talkOwner: I can flyParrot: You're lying

A lonely fellow in the big city named Bernie bought a pet to keep him company. It was a brilliantly colored exquisitely plumed tropical parrot. He'd let the bird fly around the apartment and the balcony and everything went well. One day however, he called for the bird and much to his dismay, the bird was gone. He searched high and low but to no avail but then had to rush to work. Later that day, he gets a call from a guy who lives several stories down. "Are you Bernie?" the caller asks. "Yes I am," responds the hopeful Bernie. "Well I think I've got your bird on my balcony here. He keeps saying, 'Hi, this is Bernie' then recites this phone number and says, 'I can't come to the phone right now but please leave your name, number, and a brief message and I'll call you right back.' It just so happened that Bernie kept the parrot in the same room as his answering machine!

There is a disturbance at the local zoo and the ostrich is blamed for it. He gets a lawyer and they both approach the bench....Judge: You may proceed.Lawyer: Your honor, we request low bail since my client can not be deemed a flight risk.

A man walks into a fish market carrying a trout under his arm.Man: Do you make fishcakes?Fishmonger: Yes we do.Man: Great! Cuz today's his birthday!

A guy walks over the curb and into the street. As soon as he hits the pavement however, a car comes screaming towards him. He picks up his pace but then so does the car. So now he turns around quickly and heads back to the curb but the car switches lanes and keeps coming at him. The vehicle gains on him so frightfully that he panics and just freezes right there in the middle of the road. At the last possible moment, the car swerves to the right just barely missing him and then screeches to a halt. The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel. He says sneeringly, "Ain't as easy as it looks, huh buddy?

Mother Lion: What's all the commotion out there?Baby Lion: I was chasing the hunter up the tree.Mother Lion: How many times have I told you to stop playing with your food?

A guy was relaxing at home one morning when there was a knock at the door. He answered and saw a six-foot cockroach standing there. Without warning, the cockroach slapped him upside the head and fled. The very next afternoon he answered a knock at the door again. This time the cockroach bit him on the neck and split. On the third day, the guy answered a knock at the door in the evening. This time the cockroach kicked him in the shins and ran off. The man became worried about this and warned the old lady next door about it. She informed him, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

A duck walks into a store one day and asks the clerk, 'Do you have any grapes?" The clerk answers "Sorry, no." The next day the duck walks back into the store and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No." The next day the duck walks into the store again and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" By now the clerk is kind of aggravated and remarks, "No. And if you ask me that one more time, I'm going to staple your beak shut." The next day the duck walks into the store yet again and this time asks, "Do you have any staples?" The clerk says, "No." So the duck says, "Do you have any grapes?"

A Hollywood studio was built near some fields. Two goats were eating a discarded old movie film.....First Goat: Pretty good, huh?Second Goat: Yeah, but not as good as the book.

It's the first half of a football game between the big animals and the small critters. The huge beasts are thrashing the little things early on in this annual grudge match. The second half rolls around and it's a different story though. The big animals' star players-the rhino, the hippo, the elephant- are all being tackled for large losses of yardage. The coach of the big animals, a grizzled old grizzly bear, yells over to the opposing sidelines, "Hey, who's making all those tackles?" "I am" says a centipede. "Well where were you earlier in the game then," he yells back. The centipede replies, "I was taping up my ankles."

Two cows are grazing in a field.Cow #1 "Hey, aren't you worried abt this mad cow disease?"Cow #2 "Nah, not really'"Cow #1 "Really, but why's that?"Cow #2 "I'm a zeppelin."

A woman is walking by a pet store one day and sees a striking multi-colored tropical parrot in the window. She goes in and is haggling with the manager over the price when he says, "I'll sell you this parrot and give you a good deal but I warn you. He was donated by a brothel and so he's a colorful bird who may have picked up some colorful language along the way." She's fine with that she's so taken with the bird and buys it. When she brings him home and takes the cover off the cage the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. It's the madam. Hello madam." A little later on when the woman's young daughters get home from school the parrot looks at them and says. "Awk. It's the girls. Hello girls." Soon it's evening and the husband comes home from work. The parrot looks at hm and says, "Awk. Hi Harry."