Jokes

Funny Anecdotes, Headlines & Stories

Jackie Chan has always been known to do a lot of his own stunts but this time around the producers insist in the contract that he must have a double for some of the scarier stunts. They hit upon the idea of getting a clone of Jackie. This turns out to be a very expensive proposition but well worth it since the clone looks just like him and can be filmed from any angle unlike a regular stunt man. Also not only does the clone take on the bigger risks and absorb the more severe bumps and bruises but does a fantastic job performing death-defying acrobatic stunts flawlessly and usually on the first take! So the experiment is going along according to plan until the clone becomes so jealous he becomes unhinged. He finds his way to the star's address and then storms into the actor's penthouse apartment swearing profusely. While screaming every profanity imaginable, he assaults Jackie who is forced to fight back to save himself. The struggle leads to the balcony where Jackie manages to cause the intruder to tumble off the balcony to his horrible death. Splat! The police show up to investigate. They determine it was self-defense and tell Jackie he probably won't get in any trouble for it since he was the victim of a home invasion protecting himself within the privacy of his own home. Besides that, the other guy wasn't even a real person. Acting disruptively, he wasn't being a reasonable facsimile either. However, the tabloids get hold of the story and run with it. The headline reads, "Famous Actor Makes Obscene Clone Fall!"

Arthur and Dominic grow up together. Later, they go their separate ways. Arthur becomes a renowned hitman for the Mafia and Dominic, a successful grocer. They run into each other at a local bar, have a few laughs, and catch up on old times. It dawns on Dominic that he can use his underworld friend's services. He explains to him that he hates his wife and wants her killed. He believes she is an ungrateful woman who frivolously spends his money and is constantly unfaithful to him. Arthur is happy to help out his old buddy and tells him he'll happily do it for free for old time's sake. He won't take any money despite Dominic's pleading but finally relents when Dominic says, 'Listen, at least let me pay you a dollar. A measly dollar so I can say to myself I paid you." The next week while Dominic was away, Arthur breaks into Dominic's house, surprises the wife, and strangles her to death. Just as he was about to leave, the maid walked in so he strangles her too. On his way out, the butler discovers him so he strangles him too. Confident he has completed the job and left no witnesses, he races out of the house and down the street. He gets caught by the police however and hauled off to the station. The newspaper gets a hold of the story and the headline reads, 'Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominic's!'

On Wall Street today, balloons were up and feathers were down. Paper remained stationary while elevators rose and escalators continued their gradual decline. The market for raisins dried up, soft-drinks fizzled, but tires were inflated. Drilling equipment hit rock bottom and toilet paper touched a new bottom as well.

HOW TO WRITE GOOD:

It is improper to ever split an infinitive.
The passive voice is to be avoided at all costs
Do not friggin' swear!
Contractions shouldn't be used
Prepositions are not the right words to end sentences with
Be sort of specific or something
Exaggeration is a hundred billion times worse than understatement.
Who needs rhetorical questions anyway?

Roses are redViolets are redBushes are redTrees are redHoly Smokes! My garden is on fire!

A group of 40-year old guys after discussing where to meet for dinner decided upon the Ocean View Restaurant mainly because the waitresses were super hot and friendly and bouncy.
years later they’re in their 50s and decide again on the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was great and the menu selection vast.
years later they are now in their 60s and they agree upon the Ocean View Restaurant since after all this is where they can best dine in peace and get a splendid view of the ocean as well
years later the guys are in their 70s and decide hey, the Ocean View Restaurant is the place to go because it has ample handicapped parking and wheelchair access and even sports an elevator.
years later the friends are all in their 80s and the discussion about where to eat leads to the conclusion that they should head over to the Ocean View Restaurant because they’d never been there before.