Most Likely to be Found in a Cave or Swamp in a JRR Tolkein Fantasy Novel:
(Ross) The Gload

Most Likely to be Found in Your Kleenex When You Have a Gucky Sinus Infection:
Ian Snell...So I guess you would be (Chris) Snelling if you are picking your nose at the red light.

Most Likely to be Found on an Exotic French Restaurant Menu:
Again...our friend, Ian Snell

Perhaps some rubbery unctuous escargot type thingie. So I guess you would be (Chris) Snelling if you were digging for them along the Seine. Or is it the Danube? But I don't think the Danube quite makes it to France but starts somewhere in Germany. I guess I should google it and find out. But I'm already here writng this. No wait. I'm not in school anymore. I'm not being graded on this. Ah Screw It! And if it means that much to you then YOU go look it up. OK, PAL!!?!!

Most Likely to be Silver Spoon Trust Fund Kids:
Kyle Farnsworth / Tyler Yates / Chase Utley / Clay Condrey / Cole Hamels / Russell Branyan / Heath Bell / Logan Kensing / Morgan Ensberg / Justin Verlander / Todd Wellemeyer / Josh Willingham / Macay McBride / Taylor Tankersley / Jonathan Papelbon...(I guess it's the 'Jonathan not John' that does it for him.)

Most Likely to Have a Close Encounter of the 3rd Kind:
Ryan 'Spilborghs" -Colorado Rockies ('06 rookie)

Most Annoying Mis-Spelling of Traditional Easy-to-Spell First Name:
Jhonny Peralta / Jonny Gomes / Jarrod Washburn (Wasn't the guy on Big Valley just plain Jared?) / Conor Jackson / Daryle Ward / Andruw Jones

Most Poetic:
Josh Bard
Replaces previous winners, ex-MLBers all: "Horace" Clarke / Steve Fire-"Ovid" / "Homer" Banks / Ozzie "Virgil"

Closest to Being a Trash Receptacle:
Ryan Dempster (If he closes out a game for Mike Hampden you will have the first Major League
(combined) win by a Hamster!)

Most Likely to Have Sung for the Band Rufus:
Shawn Chacon

Most Likely to be in a "Vs. Godzilla" Movie Coming Soon to a Theater Near You:

Chad Gaudin (pron. like Rodan, the giant pterodactyl !) (Replaces Previous winner Al Zarilla the '50s White Soxer) Honorable Mention But Too Obscure to Win Award: Phil Barzilla (Has pitched hardly at all at MLB level thus far but he's on the radar. Look out Chad.)

Most Likely to Be Led Away In Chains:
Mike Fetters

Closest to being a Failed Gross Fast-Food Sandwich Concept:
Seth McClung

Best Place to Buy One of Those Triangular Team

Al Spangler's Banners

Most Pleasantly Fragrant Fellow:
Ron Herbel

Borderline Hall-of-Famer Most Likely to Become So Frustrated with the Veterans Committee that He Vows Vengenace and Turns to the Dark Side:
(Darth) Vada Pinson

Most Popular With Typists Everywhere:
Don Wert

Worst Grades In School:
Charlie Dees

Least Likely To Shoot You Dead:
Larvell Blanks

Closest to Being a Diet Soft Drink:
Pepi Frias

Closest to Being a Sparkling White Wine:
Ken & Bob Aspromonte

Closest to being a Dr. Seuss villain
The Bobby Grich Who Stole Christmas

Most Whimsical:
Jamie Quirk

Least Likely to Become an Inanimate Object:
Robert Person

Most Studly:
Paul Casanova (& Raul-more recent catcher than Paul)

Most Self-Congratulatory:

Angel Bravo/Darren Bragg/Glenn Braggs

Honorable Mention:
Curtis Pride and Todd Self

Most Helpful:
Scott Service

Most Compatible Pair:
Ken McBride & Buddy Groom Ken being an AL all-star starting pitcher in '63. If these kids don't get along then Buddy can always try his luck with hitter Bake McBride but Ken shuld be the ideal soulmate since he's a pitcher like Buddy.