Note: There are way too many words that begin with UN- and simply add an adjective like unhappy, uncoordinated, undaunted etc. So I didn't bother with those for the sake of brevity. The words happy, coordinated, and daunted will doubtless show up in the H,C, and D passages respectively when I do those anyway. The words beginning with UNDER- and UP- seemed manageable for the most part so they are here. So here we go:

I have always been UNIQUELY fascinated by reported UFO sightings UP in the sky. The UBIQUITOUS craft are seldom seen UPTOWN in URBAN settings but UPCOUNTRY in rural UNDERPOPULATED settings. I take UMBRAGE at the UNDERCURRENT of disdain shown by the UPPERMOST levels of the U.S. government which do their UTMOST to sweep this phenomenon deep UNDERNEATH the rug. They UNDERMINE our efforts to get answers by UNDERHANDEDLY withholding USEFUL information while justifying such UNDERPUBLICIZING UNDER the UMBRELLA of national security.

UPRIGHT and UPSTANDING citizens who UPHOLD the Constitution come forward as witnesses are UPBRAIDED for UTTERING UPROARIOUS nonsense and URGED to UNDERGO URINE tests and psychological tests. Our leaders constantly cite studies prepared by UNCTUOUSLY URBANE professors from UPPERCRUST UNIVERSITIES and probably UNDERWRITTEN by UNCLE SAM anyway since they UNDERSCORE UTTERLY USELESS theories that the UFOs are 'Foo-Fighters' or weather balloons. I'm USED to this poppycock by now after hearing it all for the UMPTEENTH time, but the first time I heard it my ULCER kicked in and I developed such an UPSET stomach that I UPCHUCKED all over the UPHOLSTERY of my U-HAUL

I decided to collect my findings into one UNIFIED body of work while aiming to be as objective an UMPIRE as possible. To handle this vast UNDERTAKING I would UTILIZE the UNIVAC computer with UNIX system at the research center during UPTIME and UPLOAD the relevant data to help gain a better UNDERSTANDING of the UNDERPINNINGS UPON which the various arguments were based. I did not set out to be an UPSTART in my search for the truth but was still labeled by those in power as an ULTRAISTIC radical intent on fomenting mass UPRISING and social UPHEAVAL.

There seems to be no UNANIMOUS consensus as to where the UFOs come from. Some say from UNDERGROUND but others say from UNDERWATER far beyond the UNDERTOW and deep below any U-BOAT. Others say they come from the UPMOST reaches of the UNIVERSE beyond URSA MINOR and MAJOR and even URANUS. Whereas the UNICORN, my other favorite mystery, can't be found, these spacecraft are sighted often, spinning and UNDULATING wildly UPWARDS and downwards and doing U-TURNS and 360s in an instant.

I found an UPSURGE in sightings in this hemisphere particularly in UTICA and much of UPSTATE N.Y. and all over UTAH and URUGUAY, an UPTICK in reports from the USSR mostly in the URAL MOUNTAINS, UKRAINE, and UZBECKISTAN, and an UPSWING in incidents in Europe mainly in UXBRIDGE, ULSTER, UTRECHT, and parts of UMBRIA. I even enlisted the help of the former general-secretary (not just the UNDERSECRETARY mind you) of the U.N., U Thant of Burma, who made the use of his extensive contacts in the Far East and beyond to get accounts from ULAN BATOR, UTTAR PRADESH, UPPER VOLTA, UGANDA, and even LAKE URMIA.

The aliens are UNIFORMLY described as UGLY green beings with elongated heads who UNDERSTAND English and some URDU. They wear UMBER colored UTILITY belts holding powerful ray guns and transmitters which UPLINK to their saucer-like spaceships made of some indestructible alloy of URANIUM. They prefer to communicate in their own language ULTRSONICALLY to escape detection though I can sometimes intercept their odd chatter if I use my old TV with UHF. But why are they here? The horror I discovered UNDERLYING this mystery is not an UPLIFTING tale. A conspiracy is well UNDERWAY in which they ULTIMATELY seek to seize UNILATERAL control of the planet! The treachery of the USURPING aliens, who are USERS not our friends, should not be UNDERESTIMATED for they plan to issue an ULTIMATUM that UNLESS we submit to their domination, they will USE those ray guns and harm US with intense ULTRAVIOLET rays. They wish to USHER in a UTOPIA where we will be their slaves and those deemed UNDERPRODUCTIVE will be killed off! Even more sinister is the ULTERIOR motive behind those alien abductions as disclosed next in this amazing encounter involving my UNCLE ULYSSES.

It was a life of UPS and downs for Uncle Ulysses. It seemed he faced an UPHILL battle all his life right from the day he left his mother's womb (also called the UTERUS) to be born and they cut his UMBILICAL cord. Considered UNDERBRED due to his questionable UPBRINGING (his UNDERPROVIDING dad, a compulsive gambler, lost the house to USURIOUS UNDERWORLD UNDERBOSSES) he was UPROOTED at an early age and became an UNDERPRIVELEGED yet plucky and UPBEAT street URCHIN. Not desiring to remain UNDERFED and dangerously UNDERSIZED and UNDERWEIGHT, he learned to UPSTAGE the other street performers and earn food money by skillfully playing UPTEMPO happy songs on his UKELELE. Always UNKEMPT with dirty UNDERWEAR and smelly UNDERARMS, people did find it best to be UPWIND of him. His personal hygiene in need of an UPGRADE, it was obvious he was not UPPERCLASS. He never did quite get around to UPDATING his wardrobe for the UPCOMING seasons or maintaining proper UPKEEP of his humble cabin in the UPLANDS far from the UPSCALE homes of the rich and UPWARDLY mobile. This was all probably due to excessive USAGE of alcohol which he guzzled from giant URNS.

   Very late one night he heard a female voice ULULATING wildly just outside his door. He found a woman collapsed UPON the ground and almost mute with fear, but he nevertheless UNDERSTOOD she was being followed and gently went UPSY-DAISY with her before hiding her UPSTAIRS in a secret UPPER CHAMBER. Next there was a loud rap at the door and a voice saying, "U.P.S.! URGENT package! Open UP!" Always quick on the UPTAKE, he thought, "UM, wait a minute. They ain't USUALLY out deliverin' UNTIl 3 A.M." and after peeking outside thought, "UH...Where's the durn truck sayin' U.P.S. in them UPPER CASE letters? followed by, "Hey! They ain't wearin' no brown UNIFORMS!" and still yet, "UH-OH! They ain't just UNDERDRESSED but them green folks is butt naked!" Sensing trouble, he grabbed the biggest kitchen UTENSIL he could find, a huge meat cleaver. Suddenly two impatient little green men barged in and the leader UTTERED to Ulysses in a hostile UNDERTONE a demand that helped UNDERLINE their evil plans, "Yield UNTO US you foolish carbon-based UNIT. Our genetic breeding experiments to create a hybrid UBER-MENSCH must proceed. Lucky for you UBER-MAN is complete but we need to rip out the tongue and UVULA of URSULA Andress whom you are hiding so that our UBER-WOMAN may speak, poke out her eyeballs since Uber-Woman needs UVEAS to see, and detach her ULNA bone so Uber-Woman may play tennis." The outmanned Ulysses thought, "UH-UH. No way" and though he was clearly the UNDERDOG with the aliens having the UPPER HAND, wielded the cleaver with URSINE ferocity, whacking the leader UPSIDE the head and nailing the UNDERLING with a vicious UPPERCUT. The UPSHOT of this was that he chopped 'em up so badly there was no need for an UNDERTAKER, just a squeegee for UGH! the big green slime puddles. Next, incensed over the property damage to his door, a very UPTIGHT Ulysses, in an UPWELLING of rage, ran out and found their tiny little flying saucer hiding in the UNDERBRUSH and UPENDED it so it was completely UPSIDE-DOWN. He then USED a favor and called old friend, government official Mo UDALL, URGING him to do his UTTERMOST to get his UNDERFUNDED yet effective task force up there. Mo made sure that they decontaminated Ulysses' farmland so it was USABLE again and then replanted the soil and even the UNDERSOIL which had been UPTURNED by the UPDRAFT of the saucer.

With an UPSWEPT do, more UNDERSTATED than the long hairstyle she sported in Dr. No, the first movie ever featuring that UNDERCOVER agent from the U.K., James Bond, Ursula had been hard to recognize. Ulysses, being UPFRONT guy that he is, apologized and said he felt she was a vastly UNDERAPPRECIATED and UNDERRATED actress as she cheerfully applied soothing UNGUENT to his scrapes. She agreed with an emphatic UH-HUH! and even decided to abandon those UPPITY Hollywood types and marry him (with Liv ULLMAN as the maid of honor). She would now tend to UXORIAL duties around his modest farm like milking the cows' UDDERS each morning, going UPSTREAM or UPRIVER to help him fish, and having children, the firstborn being URIAH for whom Leslie UGGAMS was godmother. She even turned down a movie offer from UNIVERSAL PICTURES about the incident with screenplay by none other than John UPDIKE, animation sequences by UB Iwerks, with music soundtrack including U2, UB40, and Lars ULRICH with Metallica, and co-starring Robert URICH.


The moonies from the UNIFICATION Church, whom I recognized as the UNIVERSAL UNITARIANS that USED to visit me, arrived UPON their UNICYCLES, both the elder and the UNDERSTUDY, and cried out in UNISON to dissuade me from my UPANISHADS.

UNDERVALUING as of the UNDERMOST importance the dire warnings of his class of UNDERGRADUATE mechanics who refused to UNDERPLAY the dangers of the weak UNDERCARRIAGE, UNDERINFLATED tires, UNDERPOWERED engine, UNDERCHARGED battery, UNDERSTEERING wheel, and inconsistent piston UPSTROKE and transmission UPSHIFT of the USED sport UTILITY vehicle, the stuffy professor UNDERSIGNED the invoice convinced the vehicle was UNDERPRICED and he was UNDERPAYING for it only to immediately conk out beneath the UNDERPASS to UNION Station.

Expecting an UPTREND, the task force was UNDERWHELMED by the UNDERPERFORMANCE of the dictator declaring his UNDERDEVELOPED nation to be the soft UNDERBELLY of the region, capable of being trampled UNDERFOOT at any instant for the following reasons:

A: Since the military was UNDERBUDGETED and therefore UNDERMANNED and UNDERSUPPLIED, the soldiers and officers were not only UNDERPAID but UNDERTRAINED, which is why in UNDERORGANIZED fashion they UNDERSHOT their UNDERSEA MISSLES.

B: Since the citizenry is very UNDEREDUCATED, they are UNDEREMPLOYED and therefore UNDERNOURISHED and we see an almost permanent UNDERCLASS.

C: The UNDEREMPASIZING of education has created a new generation of UNDERAGE UNDERACHIEVERS who will remain UNDERACTIVE since they are UNDERQUALIFIED for most jobs.

D: The greedy dictator, who grossly UNDERREPORTS income on his taxes anyway, has stolen money donated for: 1) Corrective surgery for children especially those with an UNDERBITE an UNDERHUNG jaw 2) UP-TO-DATE stoves and cooktops so the people would no longer UNDERCOOK their food. 3) UNDERCOAT (primer) and paint as well as UNDERLAY and carpet for needed municipal repairs. 4) UNDERGARMENTS so his people would not be UNERCLOTHED.

E: He has also taken money UNER-THE-TABLE from contractors who are then allowed to UNDERBID and win city projects.

...leading to its recommendation that the CIA explore some generally UNDEREXERCISED options to eliminate him such as:

1: Shoot drugs into his UNDERSIDE and have him OD a la Marilyn Monroe

2: Poison his UNDERTHINGS

3: Blast him with a UZI

...then blame it all on some flunkie who was angry about the people being UNDERREPRESENTED in the government but before trial kill him off too by not feeding him and say he died of UNDEREATING due to a hunger strike.


The restaurant, UNDERCAPITALIZED therefore UNDERSTOCKED and UNERSTAFFED, had UNDERBAKED potatoes, UNDERDONE steak, and salad with UNDERRIPE tomatoes plus UNDERCAFFEINATED coffee and UNDERPROOF wine to wash them down with, causing the UNDERSERVED food critic, despite UNDERCONSUMING, to pull out his UNDERUSED barf bag and soil his UNDERPANTS and then write a piece savaging the formerly UNDEREXPOSED UNDERSIDE of the operation.

The bodybuilder, genetically UNDERENDOWED at birth, able to fill out his large UNDERSHIRT yet fit into UNDERSIZED UNDERSHORTS, since his manhood was so UNDERUSED and he was so UNDERSEXED, decided to have a pricey enlargement procedure even though he was UNDERINSURED just so the cute stylist at the UNISEX salon would stop laughing at him and perhaps remove her UNDERSKIRT.

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