THE SAGA OF DAVEY (AND DIEGO)

DAVEY'S CHANCE MEETING...

Young David (Davey) De la Cruz, dutiful and efficient Domino's delivery guy, was dropping off some pizzas at a posh condo in downtown D.C. late one rainy night. He rang the doorbell only to find himself standing directly in front of the director of the CIA himself, one Dean Dineen. While his minions continued working diligently in the next room (no doubt plotting to depose some foreign dictator Davey dryly surmised) Dean, tired of being deskbound, had decided to get off his duff, stretch his limbs, and answer the ding-donging himself.

The two briefly discussed the amount due and as Dineen handed over the necessary dollars and change plus tip, Davey started getting freaked out by the disturbing intensity with which his distinguished customer was staring at him. Finally, Dineen piped in. "Dear fellow, I'm dreadfully sorry for gazing at you so, but there's no dancing around it...I daresay you are practically a double for a younger Diego Duarte, the South American strongman." Not wanting to appear discourteuos, Davey replied, "No kidding, really? Well I wish I could dilly-dally a bit but I have several more destinations to reach before this drizzle becomes a downpour but thanks!"

The very next day while Davey was shooting hoops in his driveway outside his modest doublewide, this big black Denali pulls up and out jump two men of stern demeanor dressed in black and wearing dark sunglasses. Said one, "Hey kid, tired of your dead end job? Dean Dineen has an offer for you. Do understand the undertaking may be dangerous, but he is offering mucho dinero- up to six digits with bonuses- and he feels you fit the job description better than anyone." An intrigued Davey replied, "Wow. I often daydream about escaping my boring daily grind. Besides, I work hard but darn it, it doesn't seem to add up to diddly-squat. Man, I thought you two were delivering a dunning notice or something. So yeah, I'm open to something different. Let's check it out!"

Without further delay, he was immediately driven to Dean Dineen's office. The dedicated perhaps overzealous public servant and experienced doyen verbosely stated, "Ahh, delighted to see you again my boy, but let's get down to business and not be dilatory. I didn't become the top dog around here and get that fancy brass doorplate with my name on it by being a desultory dullard conducting rambling discursive meetings! Now the government depends on me to handle their dirty work so to speak and I get results. I determined right away as you brought in the double cheese pizzas yesterday to my condo that you were a young D'artagnan ready for derring-do. I say you're a fellow who deserves the chance to be that dashing hero lying dormant within and fulfill your destiny. So no sense diddling around here chatting, simply sign on the dotted line and OK these disclaimers that you're under no duress and don't feel you're being dragooned into anything etc....Thanks!"

With the paperwork done and an impressionable Davey aboard, Dineen disclosed to him the daunting task which lay ahead. The mission called for Davey to kill the despot Diego Duarte ensuring the downfall of his dictatorship in the nearby country of El Dorado (or simply, Dorado) whereupon Dineen would replace him with someone 'more favorably disposed to our every dictum'. Dineen explained, "We first thought of sending in a Delta Force an elite disciplined military detachment, but nixed it based on the dour assessment of the high difficulty involved in having everyone escape without detection. This liquidating biz is a bit dicey, political dynamite actually, always a potential public relations disaster for Uncle Sam. So the decision was made to be more discreet. After all, we're the good guys dammit. The historians declare it so, and we don't want to appear duplicitous and destroy our well-cultivated image. You darling Davey we can slip into Dorado deep in the forest near the palace. With your very Doradoan looks you don't even need a disguise and will fit right in with the local denizens. You'll have this forged documentation ID-ing you as a student dendrologist studying trees with the permission of the local university dean to be there if you need it."

DAVEY'S BACKGROUND-HIS DAD DONALDO

Now Davey was half-Doradoan on his dad Donaldo's side. His father had been an outspoken student dissident in his youth at the University of Dorado. Disgruntled over the dire lack of civil rights in the country, he helped organize public demonstrations from his dormitory urging democratic reforms. Donaldo was also a distant cousin to the powerful Diego, sporting that same distinctive family resemblance Dineen picked up on when he met Davey. Diego nevertheless had his men storm the dorm (using the doorknocker just wasn't their style) and put rebellious Donaldo in detention.

The outlook was pretty dim for detainee Donaldo given that several of his fellow dissenters had eventually been deemed treasonous and then simply disappeared. But call it divine providence since once he was moved to prison, Donaldo found that his knowledge of dentistry his major served him well. A sympathetic guard, one Domingo Dominguez laid out his deal..."My young son dreams of becoming a dentist also and I know you were close to earning your diploma in this field before being thrown into this drab and dehumanizing dump. Now I want to nurture that drive he has and see it develop more fully so he doesn't become a juvenile delinquent like so many of his druggie peers headed towards dishonorable lives. As his tutor you can drum into him all you know about say gum disease then next perhaps tooth decay and how you can get decalcified teeth which no dentifirice may help by indulging in too many Milk Duds and Sugar Daddies and so on. If he does well on his entrance exams, I will definitely help you escape from this depressing hellhole." Donaldo accepted and the guard's youngster, demonstrating great mental dexterity, simply devoured the material and aced the demanding exams.

Now Domingo the guard was also friendly with one General Dagoberto Diaz, a former dignitary but now disrated and disgraced as well as imprisoned at this institution as well. He had headed Diego's Department of Defense before falling into disfavor over a disagreement with him over some deployment or another. Dagoberto happened to have a no-good drunkard and dopester of a brother, one Damaso Diaz. A deadbeat derelict with a disinclination to work, he went drifting through life in a drunken and doped up daze. After becoming a high school dropout with nothing but Ds and demerits on his record, it was a quick descent into the dregs of society for Damaso. A dissolute pleasure-seeking dopehead and dipsomaniac, he spent most of his time in dives and opium dens consorting with lowlife degenerates and engaging in all manner of debauchery and dionysian revelry.

Dagoberto had cautioned him, "Not a droplet more of Jack Daniels. Try Dr. Pepper or dealcoholized O'Doul's instead and stop doing dope but rather than going back to those Doral cigarettes which are detrimental to your health, try chewing Dentyne gum and get yourself to detox." He even told him, "Stop frequenting those dominatrices with names like Desiree and Dominique who administer discipline while in a provocative state of dishabille and find yourself a real girlfriend." Despite his brother's warnings, Damaso chose to be a dummkopf and disregard all his advice until finally one day his decadence caught up with him.

That was when Damaso, chemically disinhibited after a daylong binge of drugs and alcohol, displaying a complete lack of decorum and civilized deportment, disrobed and went skinny-dipping one night in a public fountain smack dab in front of the police station. The officer on duty said, "What a disgusting stench. You still reek of your own disgorgement and defecation. While you're in there wash with this degreasing shampoo and Dial soap and clean those dingleberries off your derriere and apply this deodorant when you get out. Here's some new duds to wear since even disinfectant won't save your decrepit dashiki and corduroys." At daybreak, once he had slept off his drunk and high and wasn't so disoriented, Damaso was pleased to see he was no longer disheveled but was shocked to find out they weren't simply discharging him. Rather, when Diego Duarte heard of this escapade he had shouted, "Send that dumb as a doornail dimwitted dolt to his new digs, that same dungheap of a prison as his brother Dagoberto"

This also prompted a fed up Diego to come up with a dastardly idea..."Why not collect all the deadwood, the most morally depraved deviants in my prisons and deliberately ship them all with a big bow to the U.S. to that deceitful bureaucrat Dean Dineen. Yeah, like I'm some dopey ding-a-ling who hasn't yet deduced that it is he who is behind covert attempts to destabilize my regime and eliminate me. Anyway, these undesirable douche bags are nothing but a drain on my economy even if freed since they despoil any community they settle in causing people to leave, properties to be devaluated and so on."

Sadly, Damaso died from complications due to diabetes soon after Diego's directive, but wishing to redeem himself, he summoned the prison doc to express his dying wish..."I'm one of the bums on that official deportation list. Don't file my death certificate right away and use my spot for the deserving Dagoberto to go in my stead. He is a dead ringer for me so the men Diego dispatches to grab me will be easily deceived if you place him in my cell and move my body elsewhere. It's a slam dunk once you get him to the docks since his future son-in-law, that's his daughter's fiance, checks in the deportees and won't say anything."

Later a deeply touched Dagoberto politely declined his late brother's deathbed request stating, "When I landed in Diego's doghouse and was dumped in here Doc, your own diagnosis on my initial checkup was that it was already a downhill battle vs. this devitalizing bile duct cancer though I was braving my distal muscular dystophy quite well. Please summon Domingo Dominguez the guard as I distinctly remember him telling me one dinnertime of a young man Donaldo whom he desired to spring out of here...something about his son's dominating performance on an exam but only after this Donaldo removed all discomposure and doubtfulness from the boy with his fine mentoring."

Upon arriving, an overwhelmed Domingo exclaimed, "It's true I was getting discouraged not being able to devise a good escape plan to repay Donaldo, but now my joy is dampened by the realization that your brother's untimely demise and your debilitating illness affords me the opportunity. You are both doubtless destined for heaven for your selflessness. Thank You!" Then, sensing the doc's dismay over the latest detour from Damaso's original plan Domingo continued, "Ahh now Doc, don't look at us with such disbelief like we're daft. Yes I know Donaldo is no doppelganger for the Diaz brothers but what Dagoberto didn't reveal to you yet was that I was once a drama company makeup wizard before I became a guard. I once made a girl homely enough to debark a tree look dazzling enough to star in 'Hello Dolly' and another time I transformed an unassuming kid into a terrifying demonic Dracula who scared the living daylights out of the audience. So be not dumbfounded. I'll do up Donaldo just right and working delicately and painstakingly I will demonstrate my devilishly clever talent and change him from debonair adonis into the old and dearly departed Damaso."

Added the ailing Dagoberto, "I loved my dunderheaded brother but he was always weak on details. It's doubtful we could pull off this daring caper without more planning to lower the degree of risk. We'd better be sure to make all the diverse elements of the ruse dovetail precisely." So they did just that and instructed the prison doorkeeper to inform them exactly when Diego's men were near so Domingo would know just when to stop doing any more touchup and hustle Donaldo up to Damaso's cell from his downstairs office. Domingo also visited the docklands and met up with the boarding official the Diaz brothers knew explaining to him it would be a different fellow Donaldo coming. Then to avoid having any Diaz kin at the debarkation point in the U.S. potentially become distraught and confused, he demanded the fellow get word to them of the switcheroo.

Well the operation went off as designed and Domingo the guard and company covered their tracks so deftly no one ever connected the dots to implicate them. In fact only the despicable warden, some guy they all dreaded working for anyway, got in deep doo-doo and was fired over the episode.

DAVEY'S BACKGROUND - HIS MOM DEIDRE

Now Davey's mom Deidre had a Diego connection too. She served with distinction as part of the U.S. diplomatic corps in her younger days and was even sent to Dorado for a time. Descended from a prominent family she was by all accounts a determined young girl intent on proving she was no mere demure debutante or some dotty ditz but a dynamic worldbeater. (Her heroes growing up after all were the deafblind and courageous Helen Keller, the trailblazing Rene Descartes dubbed the father of modern philosophy, and the indomitable former slave Frederick Douglass.) It only took about 'dos segundos' for the Doradoans to see she was no mere diffident deb or dingbat out of her depth but a skilled negotiator and dealmaker who could excel in a male-dominated field.

Very early in his reign Diego seemed to have Dorado headed in a definite pro-democracy direction. Soon thereafter however, as often happens to leaders in our dreary and dismal human history, he became a dogmatic tyrant drunk with power and derailed by paranoia. Alarmed by his sudden downward spiral from a kindly Dr. Jeckyll to a diametrically dissimilar diabolical Mr. Hyde, Deidre expressed her disapproval to Diego. Lashing back like a poisonous diamondback he hissed derogatorily, "You didactic drone, stop dabbling in my affairs. End of discussion!" A disenchanted Deidre unable to practice any diplomacy filed her report decrying the fact that Diego had become what could only be described as a doctrinaire unpredictable bully. Such a designation for someone so close to the doorstep but not in lockstep with Dineen and co. meant one thing...dethrone him ASAP.

So Deidre flew back home for a much deserved break, but as soon as she deplaned at Dulles she received orders to head out on the double to Delhi to assist the consul-general there since his top assistants had come down with dengue fever. Already burnt out but reluctant to seem disobedient, the duteous stateswoman now dashed off to Delhi. After a short duration she was sent from there to Dublin then Dubrovnik and later Dakar as the need arose. The consul-general back in Delhi in his memo to her superiors gushed, "The efficient Deidre can perfrom the duties of a whole delegation singlehandedly. I am disappointed that developments abroad compel you to send her elsewhere. My staff, formerly decimated by illness, has sufficiently recovered, yet we will be one diconsolate consulate over her sudden departure."

Eventually though, feeling dizzy like she was some whirling dervish or human dreidl spinning out of control and with her energy level steadily diminishing, she sensed she couldn't dismiss her chronic exhaustion as simply drowsiness any longer. She felt it was time to decelerate and downshift and switch careers. Now even though what she chose was a dramatic change to a comparatively duller vocation, she had always dreamt of becoming a dental hygienist instead of a diplomat and looked into it. She soon found a small night school in downstate N.Y. and bought a modest duplex nearby. She found work days at a car dealership and proved adept at selling anything from a basic Dodge Dart to a sporty Plymouth Duster to a deluxe DeLorean. With her characteristic determination and non-defeatist attitude she did very well.

DAVEY'S PARENTS MEET

At the school Deidre met Donaldo now studying dentistry in the U.S. after his escape.There was no denying they were deeply in love, so they quickly got married after only dating a few times. Immediately prior to getting hitched she had darted off to Dorado for one last ditch effort per a despairing State Dept. to convince Diego to change his ways, but alas she came back home to report her discourse with him had been unfruitful and that he had been dismissive at best.

Anyhow, Donaldo moved from a dumpy off-campus apartment to Deidre's dwelling after the wedding and very soon along came Davey. Deidre and Donaldo proved doting parents, humming dulcet lullabys for their dearie while cheerfully changing his diapers and feeding him din-din in timely fashion and delegating his care when necessary only to the most attentive daycare provider in town. As Davey grew up Deidre was always there to darn his socks or tend to his boo-boos (with decolorized iodine and a band-aid to be exact) and just be so dependable and loving through and through. As he matured his parents would freely dispense advice and praise yet dole out punishment when he disobeyed and so Davey turned out A-OK.

DINEEN'S MACHINATIONS

Now through dribs and drabs over the years Davey knew something of his folks' past dealings with Diego. They would find it discomforting when he dredged up the past, but it was apparent that Deidre had become disgusted with Diego's disgraceful policies and Donaldo highly disillusioned over being part of a diaspora of men of conscience from his beloved Dorado on account of his delusional kin. Yet it was well-documented at the agency that though Deidre found Diego's actions distasteful she never condoned his murder. Then after combing his database and piecing together whatever he could dig up on Donaldo, Dineen concluded that though Donaldo also despised Diego's methods, he still loved his cousin.

Dineen however so desperately yearned to be rid of Diego he downplayed this conflict of interest which really disqualified Davey as a potential assassin (not to mention Davey's downright lousy credit history full of defaults and large debts etc.) Afraid Davey's parents would dissuade him from carrying out the mission if it came up somehow, Dineen simply ducked the issue by disallowing Davey to call or visit home. After all, he had found his deus ex machina, a true outsider to send to Dorado. Now if the mission devolved into a debacle he could easily go into denial mode and disembroil the agency, disavowing any knowledge of Davey's actions, painting him as a lone deranged desperado nut staging his own disastrous operation. A disingenuous devil for sure, Dineen would just hang Davey out to dry as the dupe all in the name of damage control if things went badly.

DINEEN'S GOT INTEL ON DIEGO

Dineen pulled out a thick dossier form his desk and proudly stated, "Our breadth of knowledge of Diego comes from not only debriefings by our spies but from delving into every morsel of datum available both declassified and top secret. We descrambled transmissions, decoded messages, decrypted phone calls, and analyzed spy satellite downlinks. After even deciphering every single dah and dit of old Morse code coming out of there and then everything else, I maintain with no dubeity that Diego is a menace and the only desirable outcome is that he be dislodged from power immediately. Let's review...

WHAT DAVEY LEARNED ABOUT THE LIFE OF DIEGO

Diego had once divulged to a reporter on a Dateline interview, "I was the son of a poor dirt farmer who devoted himself to mastering the drums to escape a life of drudgework. He went on to play with Desi Arnaz, the Dorsey Brothers, even Duke Ellington of Satin Doll fame. (Author's note: Speaking of Duke Ellington, I once had to 'Take the A Train' but when it became disabled due to defective brakes during the route I was diverted and forced to 'detrain for the D train'... I know, that was a droll pun indeed and a superfluous digression of dubious comic value). Anyhow, legendary drummers such as ex-Rascal Dino Danelli (also ex-Disciples of Soul), jazz great Jack Dejohnette (who once even played with Miles Davis), and Robbie Denslore of The Doors were all diehard fans who venerated his discography and proclaimed him as one of the greatest to ever wield a pair of drumsticks. Admitted Diego, "Though I was halfway decent hammering away at the dulcimer, I was deficient musically not able to keep a very steady drumbeat, but ever since I was a diminutive tyke I always wanted to defend my country." Sure enough, Diego rose quickly from highly decorated soldier to general, famed for his decisiveness and keen powers of discernment.

Dorado had been ruled by a family dynasty for decades but when the reigning ruler started coming down with dementia and showed no demonstrable signs of improvement, everyone looked to his only son the heir. But alas, a bit of a daredevil the young unwed prince was killed in a dune buggy accident. The news devastated the already doddering aged father causing the doctors to downgrade his condition even further. A closed door dawn to dusk session of the Parliament leaders quickly convened where they deliberated over who should rule. The now deceased young prince, a handsome dish known for his relations with many a damsel, had nevertheless not yet produced an heir. In the end they made a firm declaration and who drew the nod not even a relative but the esteemed and dignified Diego Duarte.

In a stirring inaugural speech Diego promised a more decentralized form of government saying, "We'll have a break from the dogma of the past to a more democratized Dorado," and so was perceived as a deliverer by a doe-eyed public. But much like Deidre and Donaldo, all those who dwelt in the land of Dorado were soon dumbstruck by his drastic transformation into some demented terror with whom no one dared to dicker. Any citizen who espressed even remote dissatisfaction towards anything in the diluvial wave of draconian decrees he issued he would in high dudgeon throw in the dungeon (a rather dank and dingy one at that with no dehumidifier or deodorizer provided). To put a damper on bad press he declawed the media. Any writer he felt had denigrated him was guilty not only of defamation of character but also treason for encouraging dissension and therefore imprisoned. Continuing his dysfunctional behavior the tyrant dissolved the parliament, delegitimizing the body by disestablishing it indefinitely thus arbitrarily discontinuing any public debate over affairs of state.

Though it was a period of relative détente in the rest of the region, neighboring countries became unsure whether Diego wished to adhere to boundaries delineated by treaty or not. After all, he kept running military drills perilously close to demilitarized zones and also, while the superpowers and most others were denuclearizing, dismantling their atomic weapons arsenals honoring disarmament treaties, rumor had it that Diego, desirous of nukes among other lethal goodies, had approached various seedy arms dealers.

Showing utter disdain for fair play, he looted the treasury as well, simply to divvy up the dough between himself and his devout entourage of enforcers. Funds earmarked by his predecessor for economic development in the more depressed communities could no longer be distributed thus deepening the disparity between the haves and have-nots in Dorado.

It was an era of deregulation of environmental controls under Diego who in cahoots with greedy developer friends inflicted untold depredation indiscriminately denuding and disemboweling mother earth as they wished. Desensitized to understanding the delicacy with which ecosystems should be handled, they didn't care diddly about how destructive they were, allowing for instance, large scale deforestation to put up sweatshops and tenements. Diego's defeasance of environmental protection laws emboldened his friends who, disencumbered of any restraint, would simply dump hazardous waste, sewage, and rubbish, much of which was not even degradeable, wherever they pleased. What you wound up with was water no longer drinkable, landscapes left depauperate, trees defoliated and denaturalized...a real doomsday scenario overall.

Dorado's most eminent scientist Danilo Davalillo (a key player of the dramatis personae before this Davey and Diego saga reaches its denouement, but I digress) implored Diego privately, "This devilry of polluting the country thanks to a policy of derestriction with no provision for decontamination must cease. We have animals perishing in droves, and fish suffocating in rivers now nothing but deathtraps for them. In another decennium I predict I will be better off a nomad wandering the desert on my dromedary than stuck in this toxic wasteland." Replied a peeved Diego, "Enough gloom and doom from you. I'm depending on you for important scientific discoveries not advice so shut up!"

DIEGO VS. THE CHURCH

Then the powerful bishop of the diocese counseled his dispirited flock, "Whether it be a duce, a fuhrer, or some other devious demagogue, there have always been evil men. Disarmingly convincing yet dripping with menace they establish dominion while we suspend our distrust. Though we may feel disobliged, let us try and forgive their evil deeds even as they damnify us in return."

Diego found these public remarks disparaging and mulled disciplinary action for the cleric. So feeling dissed, he soon showed up at his doorway and stormed on in. He snapped, "You define me as evil, demoralizing my subjects, encouraging divisiveness and ultimately disunity within the country. From now on you shall show proper deference and submit transcripts of every dang sermon you plan to deliver. Consider me the de facto pope. Utter more public denunciations and find yourself demoted to deacon or perhaps defrocked or detained by the authorities. I have a mind to defenestrate you from the top of this church dangling from a rope but then again, such a prominent figure in his dotage I'm inclined to keep alive since I don't need the distraction of a domestic and international dilemma explaining your disappearance."

The bishop retorted derisively, "A detestable bit of hubris from a would-be demigod. You would censor me you direputable dog!" Diego countered, "Ah yes, but be not disheartened you defiant old fool. I ascribe no divinity to myself and ask not be deified as did Nero. You don't see me deconsecrating your church or desecrating anything in it. I won't attempt to exorcise foul demons or disembodied spirits, malevolent dybbuks, or any other mysterious discarnate entities. A mere dilettante when it comes to religious matters I won't attempt to perform the doxology or preach but I'll make damn sure while you're on the dais you don't speak any more anti-Diego drivel."

DIEGO VS. THE MUCKRAKER

One disaffected youth outraged by the dishonesty and the bullying was an enterprising documentary filmmaker Dion Dilone who set out to deglamorize this Diego who portrayed himself as the champion of the disadvantaged. His film would be a disquieting disclosure to the world that Diego was rather the enemy of the downtrodden whose self-serving policies and thievery only heightened their disenfranchisement. He sought to debunk the Diego myth by illustrating how the sharp dichotomy between rich and poor threatened to declass yea impoverish the middle class as well. He would show how Diego, to disburden himself of any possible oversight, had disbanded the parliament and killed, threatened, or discarded like detritus without a dollop of remorse to his prisons those who expressed divergence of opinion. He felt if he could disseminate his message far and wide then perhaps concerned countries would draw the line. Maybe they would denounce Diego's evil doings and even threaten to sever ties or derecognize Dorado unless he stopped stealing and depriving citizens of their rights.

Alas when informed by one of his deputy intelligence officers of the upstart filmmaker, Diego was more furious than a fire-breathing dragon, and apoplectic over the idea of such a negative depiction, unleashed a scathing diatribe concluding with, "So as to serve as a deterrent to any disloyalty in my realm in the future, dispose of this rabble-rouser with dispatch!" So the deputy tracked down his quarry at the busy Duque's Delicatessen where after he'd grabbed Dion's duffel bag and dispossessed him of his camera and film, they began the following dialogue...

  • Deputy: "My oh my, Mr. Dion Dilone, you're a regular Cecil B. DeMille aren't you?
  • Dion: "More like Brian De Palma. Dorado is a horror show with your boss the domineering Diego Duarte sitting at the top of the dunghill with doofuses like you carrying out his deviltry."
  • Deputy: "Such deprecatory remarks when I'm nice enough to let you go finish your...looks like a deviled ham sandwich with a dill pickle on the side. Delish! You know the downhome fare here sure looks tempting but I've already indulged in two chili dogs with Dijon mustard at the diner across the street while I was waiting for you. You know it's all fine and dandy to dis me bro but defying Diego was foolhardy."

With that he dragged Dion out of the deli and threw him into the back of his Durango and sped off. As they were driving along the deputy continued...

  • Deputy: "Pardon my siezing you my discontented movie man. No disrespect intended but ahh, how de rigueur...It takes me great displeasure to inform you I must take you a good distance away and kill you. Such a downer. One of the drawbacks of this job. But I must be a dispassionate equal opportunity hitman when called upon and not be discriminatory but murder dudes I like as well as dislike."
  • Dion: "So I am to die by the hand of a misguided Diego devotee. Don't you realize your part of a cult of docile doggies in need of deprogramming?"
  • Deputy: "Yeah well it's a decent salary, a hefty per diem, and an employer sponsored tax-deferred 401K. They provide me designer suits like this to get decked out in and a Cadillac Deville to drive besides this vehicle."
  • Dion: "Well I hate to deflate the dirigible that is your overblown ego, but you butt-kissing decerebrate dunces working for Diego live la dolce vita at the expense of your destitute countrymen."
  • Deputy: "Maybe I've just been dealt a better hand from the deck of cards called life. But now we've arrived and you must pay for your lack of discretion in attempting to demythologize my meal ticket Diego with your celluloid dreck."

So the henchman brought Dion into an abandoned book depository in a desolate area then up to a huge vat of horrible acid within.He proceeded to toss various doohickeys...a brass doorknob, a heavy-duty ductile iron drainpipe, even a steel-frame appliance dolly...in there upon which they completely disintegrated. Pleased with the testing results he then grabbed a stunned Dion, doused him in the brew in which nothing was dissoluble, and just like that eliminated him by chemical disincorporation.

DINEEN AND DAVEY DISCUSS GETTING FIT

Dineen realizied the mission would be doomed and he would be considered a dumdum devoid of reason if he sent Davey out as deconditioned as he was, so they had a talk...

  • Dineen: "The mission is dependent on you passing a physical by the deadline...two weeks!...or you may be deselected. There are several disbelievers in the administration who disputed with me over hiring such a novice though I say a diamond in the rough. They discredit me as a fool and will undoubtedly push for my dismissal without a dram of remorse if we fail to at least get you to Dorado."
  • Davey: "My recent declension into droopiness, appearing limp as a dishrag and out of shape, is merely due to a sense of despondency that my hopes and dreams in life had dematerialized. But this opportunity has lifted me out of the doldrums and with dewy-eyed optimism I approach it. I have dialed up my old self with the can-do disposition and now, no longer demotivated, I'll be tougher on myself than any drillmaster and in two weeks will correct all deficiencies."

DINEEN AND DAVEY DISCUSS DAVEY'S PAST...

  • Dineen: "Yes, well we dug into your past and noticed you had quite the dowry of athletic gifts which makes this all the more doable. Let's see...In high school you entered the home run derby and hit more dingers than anyone else with a sweet swing like Joe Dimaggio coupled with huge power like Duke Snider. At basketball you would dexterously dribble downcourt and knock down a jumper or distribute the ball to your teammates or else penetrate and either dink it off the glass or go in for a monstrous dunk a la Darryl Dawkins. In football they compared you to Eric Dickerson with the way you could run like a deer and deke defensemen to make it downfield. You were no duffer prone to making divots in golf either. Handling dogleg holes with panache and sporting a booming drive like John Daly, you didn't just defeat club pros but administered a drubbing. The swimming coach marveled, "Call me dippy and divorced from reality but he has more balance than the dolphins, and they have dorsal fins to guide them so I don't know how the dickens he does it!"

"Looks like at college you excelled at decathlon especially the discus. Then in your spare time you got into dirtboarding but ultimately you tackled too steep a declivity and crashed suffering what many feared was a permanent disability in the process. Yet with great doggedness you defied all the doomsayers and got back on your feet but your dislocated shoulder and torn discoid meniscus never fully healed, a displeasing downside that ended the idea of a sports career."

  • Davey: "Yeah well I earned a degree in business, but since my parents always discountenaced idleness and I took their disapprobation seriously, rather than simply dawdle after completing school like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate until I found my true dharma, I drifted from odd job to odd job and kept busy."
  • Dineen: "Hmm...I see you had a job as a data processor out in Detroit where eventually your employer had you defrag and debug and handle important downloads. But apparently your boss derided you mercilessly while a defragmentation was in process?
  • Davey: "Well he was a bit of a deadhead when it came to computers and his nerves were as taut as a drumhead to boot. I told him, 'Do not dispraise me in this degrading manner. It is your dinosaur of a desktop computer that is so deathly slow not I'. It was rated zero by Computer Digest and as for me well, for a computer that model makes a mighty fine doorstop. It not only had to be continually deadstarted but lacked a dataport for the internet but he ran it on DOS. In the age of the Digerati (or is it Digiterati?) why couldn't he update to something like my Dell with mercury-free LED (light-emitting diode)? I told him I'd had enough of his depersonalized workplace and demeaning attitude and threw my breakfast Danish into the decollator clogging it up. I was dehired as they say but he got his just deserts."
  • Dineen: "Then you were an assistant dogcatcher in Duluth and uncovered a dognapping ring but then an allergy to dander forced you to drop out of that profession."
  • Davey: "Our job was to find disowned and stray dogs before those doggone jerks did. Back at the center we'd delouse them, deworm them, and perform any other disinfestation required. We'd check them for distemper, desex them if necessary, and do our damnedest to find them homes so they wouldn't have to be put down. Anyway, one night I happened to descry a cruel man throwing a stray Doberman (a decoy actually, I'd caught him earlier) into his van. I followed him to a point he drove to just beyond the dockyard where the pooch was transferred to a small dinghy which met up with a ship further out called The Flying Dutchman. I found a dockworker nearby and pressed him for any driblet of info. He said, 'I dunno much about dem guys. I wuz woikin' on the dayside shift for years repairing anything in dry dock...destroyers, subs, you names it...but now I'm an old duffer so just dis week they puts me on dis here graveyard shift.' I offered him a deuce, two shiny Dwight D. Eisenhower silver dollars, if he'd take me on his little dory to the Dutchman.

So the old fellow brought me a little downriver where I snuck below deck where I'd heard some doleful canine wailing. There I saw the Doberman along with a dalmatian, a Great Dane, and then a little dachshund all caged up. Disconcerted, I called the authorities who found the captain's diary which detailed that he was headed to a distant land where the animals were considered a delicacy to be dismembered and disremembered and made into doggie burgers. The depletion of the wild dingo population in the outback beyond Darwin, Australia was later tied to them too."

  • Dineen: "Good job! And you were a doorman at the famed Dakota building in New York?"
  • Davey: "Well doorperson if we degenderize but yes."
  • Dineen: "It says here they once docked your pay when you deserted your post to take a dump."
  • Davey: "Hey, I just had to drop a deuce. I mean I had bad diarrhea that day and it was one serious dookie."
  • Dineen: "OK but discounting that you still ran afoul of their dress code."
  • Davey: "Yeah, I felt it was rather de mode and should be deformalized a bit so I wore my own navy doeskin blazer. When I explained that a little sartorial diversification in no way impeded my ability as a doorperson to debar entry to would-be trespassers not on the resident directory among other tasks, well I must have tapped into some deep-seated cognitive dissonance. It was like they became completely discombobulated as if I had put their whole universe in disarray."
  • Dineen: "So let go again but always the doer you wound up in Fon Du Lac working for a builder."
  • Davey: "Indeed, but I was a dodo when it came to dados. I couldn't hang drywall or handle the Black and Decker drill either so he bid me adieu."
  • Dineen: "Then the dairy farm and cattle ranch in Denver."
  • Davey: "Sure, but I wasn't just disbudding and milking goats and calves and riding a John Deere tractor for my boss Delroy 'Dex' Dalton. I was out there on the range donning my Stetson punchin' dogies too. Our beef would go to Denny's and other popular dining establishments."
  • Dineen: "But then let's see...a dermatologist found that you had a bad reaction to cow dung. Apparently it caused such major dermatitis and such severe skin depigmentation and hives that he said it was best to eliminate not just decrease your exposure."
  • Davey: "I was downcast. It was like deja-vu from back in Duluth. Dex told me in his classic drawl, 'Dabnabbit! And you ain't never lost me one dogy. You even domesticated my stubborn donkey and turned him into a draft animal. If I had my druthers we'd be kickin' up dust together forever. Durn it, I'll miss ya Davey. Bye son!"
  • Dineen: "So then it was Domino's then here to strike a deathblow to tyranny. Good luck!"

DAVEY TRAINS IN EARNEST

So Davy first went to a dojo to brush up on his martial arts disciplines then hit the gym, lifting dumbbells and doing Nautilus to build muscle in his delts and abs etc. Shunning steroids (by dermal injection or otherwise) he consulted with his trusted local druggist who recommended simple dextrose and dolomite supplements along with Vitamin D pills as well as non-denatured whey protein. Afterwards he needed a little shortwave diathermy therapy when he overdid it a bit on his deltoid muscles.

Not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb (distended digit?) in Dorado, he kept his simple do, his crewcut, rather than go for the dreadlocks he'd been contemplating. Davey thought, "For now I'll have to hold off on the dreads and pass on getting a ducktail like James Dean too." Though many spoke English in Dorado he even perfected the dialect with proper diction for the region where he was headed. He also worked on his diaphragmatic breathing techniques so he wouldn't suffer oxygen deprivation in a tight spot. Finally, he practiced his shooting skills till he developed deadeye aim. In the end, dispelling all doubts about his fitness, Davey aced the physical whereupon Dineen immediately dispatched him to a friendly country at the Dorado border.

AT LAST! DAVEY UNDERTAKES THE MISSION

The plan called for Davey to be flown into Dorado under cover of darkness in a dual engine crop duster. A skilled dropmaster was to deposit him safely in an upland rather than downcountry area. Unfortunately, the plane hit a downburst and the drop didn't go as diagrammed. Davey wound up parachuting into a drainage basin narrowly avoiding an old drawbridge on the way down. Well there are no duckboards or clothes dryers out in the woods so drenched and draggled, he went looking for his contact, one Diomedes Delgado.

Having disappointingly landed off his mark, Davey soon found himself at a dilapidated old cottage with a deerhound barking furiously at him. Responding to the din, the crusty old owner quickly demounted his rifle from the wall and espying Davey hollered, "Now you consider yourself disinvited and just dogtrot on out of here stranger!" Trying to defuse the situation and avoid a deathmatch with the dog and maybe getting shot at, Davey dissembled flashing his fake ID replying, "Sorrry sir, I'm just a student studying dendrochronolgy, you know ahhh...tree dating. No need to get your dander up. I was just doing research for my dissertation to get my doctorate and didn't mean to trespass into your luxurious dacha here." Responded the appeased curmudgeon, "Heel Darcy!...Well you disrupted my beauty sleep you dumbbell kid but run along now."

Now Dineen had instructed Davey to look for a massive drayhorse pulling a wagon full of casks of ale from the local Delafuente Distillery piloted by this Diomedes Delgado character who would be sporting wild dundreary whiskers and wearing a derby hat and scruffy duffle coat.Traversing a dense and verdant valley with its many picturesque hills and dales and pretty dells, Davey finally hit the main road and bumped into Diomedes who said, "Oh there you are. No disesteem intended and hate to appear discommodious but cram into this one empty barrel beaneath my feet as this whole big delivery is for the palace. You see Mr. Diego has quite the discriminating palate and insists on the darker decarbonated ale I'm hauling here whereas for the seaport district pubs we brew draught beer since they prefer it colder with more nitrogen and carbon dioxide dockside (!). Anyhow, when we arrive I'll dismount and bring your barrel inside personally while Diego's guys unload the dray."

Once safely inside thanks to Diomedes, Davey being quiet as a dormouse jumped out of the barrel and crept into the ductwork of the palace. Like James Bond in Dr. No he slowly inched his way towards Diego's bedroom following a drawing Dineen had provided. Looking downwards through the vent once he reached there, he found Diego changing from his daywear to pajamas laid out on his divan. From his perch Davey had a difficult diagonal shot at best with a large art deco downlight chandelier in the way. Some curtains were partially drawn open however and he could see a dormer window behind the drapery through which he could escape if he wished to jump down for a cleaner shot.

He watched as his target Diego walked to the foot of his bed with its fluffy duvet and pillows (filled with feathers deplumed from the choicest downy ducklings). Diego then uttered a dolorous lament while glancing longingly at two photos familiar to Davey on the dresser. One was of a glamorous woman of dreamlike beauty with the cutest dimples in a diaphonous gown from dressmaker Christian Dior no less which complemented without exploiting her ample decolletage. Deidre his mom! The other depicted her in her favorite combo, a turtleneck dickey under a denim shirt with dungarees. She was smiling while weeding out the dandelions from the daffodils and dahlias in her garden.

Diego wailed, "Oh Deidre! I'm drowning in a sorrow which pierces me like a dagger in the heart while I stay eternally under your spell never to be dehypnotized. So flawless with no hint of disymmetry in your face or form... like the water nymph Daphne who according to legend became a dryad to escape the deity Apollo. You eluded me too and each day is a further degression into a hell of despair worse then Dante's Inferno. No dramaturgist in his finest dactylic hexameter could express my heartache and dejection over your leaving me while pregnant. You so deplored my heavy-handed methods, yet like a dummy I allowed the discord to fester and wouldn't change and let it divide us. How I longed to dandle our son upon my knee then help raise him and bequeath him not some mere dukedom but my royal diadem and a whole kingdom...

"I sent him Play-Doh, a Dapper Dan doll, a dragster go-cart with cool Daddy Don Garlits decals, a Magna-Doodle drawing board, and even some Hot Wheels, those awesome little die-cast cars, but you sent them all back. It's been a long emotional downspin like I was trapped in a darkroom with no way out. My doctor prescribed increasing dosages of diazepam but my nerves were shot so I had a better idea...make my mind like a dreamcatcher and let the positive thoughts filter through like...maybe one day I'll meet our Davey!"

A deluge of conflicting emotions now surged through Davey, and with his heart racing like a diesel engine he jumped through the vent cover and onto the davenport sofa below. He exclaimed...

DAVEY MEETS DIEGO

  • Davey: "My gun is loaded with deadly exploding bullets and equipped with a silencer to deaden the sound. I am here to kill you but couldn't help overhearing your Demosthenes-like declamation. Now your dreamboat in those pictures is my mom Deidre whom you say abruptly disassociated herself from you. She had but one son, me, but my dad makes dentures and drills teeth for a living. He's a friggin' dentist not some dictatorial madman!"
  • Diego: "Ah Davey, my long lost son! Allow me to disentangle your mind if you will and don't shoot! You speak of Donaldo, my cousin who I wronged. If you look up the definition of the word dignity in the dictionary I say his name and picture deserve to be there. But it was I, Diego Duarte, who deflowered the lovely Deidre when we lost control and had a tender dalliance on her very last mission and conceived you. But she felt great discomfiture over the prospect of losing Donaldo so fed him the disinformation that you were his. You possess my DNA moreso than your uncle's. Admit you look a bit like Donaldo but you're practically a duplicate of me...

    Davey, I am your father!"
  • Davey: "You took that from Darth Vader from the Death Star but I believe you"
  • Diego: "That rascal Dean Dineen must have sent you, eh? I've been dodging his assassination attempts for years. Deidre married Donaldo so soon after she left here he never made the deduction you were my son though. I feel great disappointment over losing Deidre but she and Donaldo have something special and should never decouple.

But neither you nor Dineen know that the light has finally dawned on me. I've recently had an epiphany and am no longer the dogmatist with a distorted world view but a pragmatist ready to help Dorado cross the doorsill into a freer society so no need to kill me. Perhaps I've had dissociative personality disorder all this time and allowed the bad Diego to predominate. I spent a disproportionate amount of time persecuting people...Donaldo my cousin, the Diaz brothers Damaso and Dagoberto who helped him escape, the young filmmaker Dion Dilone, and many others. The change could also be partly by dint of Deidre's words finally seeping in and distilling within me and ultimately deicing my cold heart. The fact that I feel my danse macabre is imminent due to my deleterious lifestyle and bad luck must have figured into it too.

It's been too many years of doughnuts, devil dogs, ding dongs, Doritos, fried chicken drumettes and wing dings, unhealthy deskfasts, and large diameter pizzas. I've kept it secret but in the last few years I've suffered from diverticulitis, diphtheria, dysentery, even dropsy (hydropsy its etymological doublet has fallen into disuse). My diastolic and systolic blood pressures are both out of whack and I often take digitalis and use a defibrillator for my heart dysrhythmia. But at least my kidneys have held up enough I don't need dialysis and I've kept my duodenal ulcer in check. Then for my sinus discomfort I found a natural decongestant, a steam inhaler with demineralized water refills."

  • Davey: "Yeah but I get dyspepsia just thinking about that diet."
  • Diego: "Ha! Not only do you have a sense of humor but I sense an awesome demiurgic force within you to be a giant among men in a world full of dyed in the wool phonies and hypocritical fatcats full of doublethink. I know you possess superior diacritical powers to distinguish right from wrong as I should have. I am not delirious but genuinely contrite over my deplorable record. When I deconstructed my past, I realized how my selfish side had been fiercely duelling with my benevolent side and winning the dogfight. But now Gracias a Dios I have changed and I am ready to abdicate peacefully to my direct descendant and heir to the throne, my worthy dauphin so to speak, and that is you. Dineen intended to use you like a pawn on a draughtboard, some misguided obedient drone. But I know you will decolonize your mind, think independently, and be merciful to me."
  • Davey: "Father, I shall tell Dineen the following...'Although I was gung-ho there has been a discrepancy and I now demur on the objective to 'permanently deactivate' Diego. I have become disabused to this notion because it turns out he is my dad and I have disarmed so as not to commit patricide. A repentant Diego wishes to voluntarily step down and have me, David (Davey) De la Cruz his heir, rule the domain. I will govern in a decidedly more enlightened manner with kindness and decency and he shall help me. Also, scrap your plans for Diego's ne'er-do-well brother-in-law Demario to succeed him.' "
  • Diego: "Demario that double-crosser! An unworthy donee of my largesse! I paid for his detoxification program then got him a job at Dunkin' Donuts but then he got fired for Duh! serving decaffeinated when they ordered regular so of course the dope was free. I guess Howdy Doody wasn't available."
  • Davey: "But first dibs went to Danilo Davalillo the world-famous scientist from Dorado. When he was in Delaware at the Doubletree Hotel for a symposium they approached him. With all the subtlety of a downstroke of a dropforge he flatly refused shouting at them at high decibels, 'Defile me not, usurpers! I'm a scientist you dratted fools! To think I would deign to be so de classe as to disport myself in the petty world of politics, land of doublespeak and intrigue. Besides, we may disagree plenty but Diego and I are still dear friends. Do-si-do on out of here and find another dance partner!' "
  • Diego: "Dineen miscalculated badly there and must have been in dreamland. The brilliant Danilo is not one for the downstage spotlight and would never wish to defocus from his beloved science. Did you know I donated all the lab equipment for a private research facility he rented down the street from his room at the Ponce De Leon Old Age Home? He complained, 'Diego, it's dullsville here. They take us duckpin bowling sometimes and have dancercise classes and decoupage and some other diversions, but I'll stay down in the dumps unless I can quench my thirst for discovery.' so I helped him out."
  • Davey: "Dineen and co. disconnected his phone at the hotel and delayed his flight back to Dorado so he wouldn't tip you off, but I'll see to it they stop dogging him and send him home."

DAVEY GETS TO WORK AS PREZ

That very evening Davey ordered, "Since I'm in charge now, in the A.M. please recover the awesome Harley-Davidson motorcycle Dineen had stashed away for me to escape along with the cool defogger helmet and deerskin driving gloves. It was carefully hidden under the dappled shade of the deciduous Jamaican dogwood tree outside. Chief among my desiderata growing up was to replace my dinged up Duffy bike with such a prize. How I daydreamt with pupils dilating mouth drooling daffy with desire to own one.

"Next, the world is desacralized enough with everyone increasingly disjoined from God without you diluting the bishop's message with your censoring. The brethren have begun to disvalue what the clergymen say and there's been a downswing in attendance. You are to demit yourself from your self-appointed post and admit to God you have done him a grave disservice. Assure him you are learning to decontrol your life and will no longer meddle on the day-to-day affairs of his church since you don't know your Deuteronomy from your Decalogue."

  • Diego: "Consider it done! But I'm dead tired and so are you. Let's doze off now and continue to transform Dorado in the morning."

So they rested but the next morning Diego insisted, "Be aware that historically by de jure the departing leader of Dorado in a demonstration of graciousness has hosted a feast for his successor. So my demission from my office necessitates this one last indulgence where the two meet not as duellists or adversaries with discrete agendas but as friends to help ensure a seamless rather than disjunctive transfer of power."

DAVEY AND DIEGO CHOW DOWN BIGTIME

So that afternoon D'Angelo, Diego's longtime major-domo laid out his most luxurious dinnerware, the fine damask tablecloth, and the doily patterned decorative table runners and set things up. He fired up the Dacor double wall oven and the JennAir downdraft cooktop, got the dumbwaiter cranking, and did up a delicious surf-n-turf dinner, everything fresh nothing defrosted.

After the appetizer of a garden salad with choice of dressings, D'Angelo served the most delectable decapods...lobster with drawn butter on the side, shrimp scampi diablo (first dredged in seasoned breadcrumbs!), and doughy crab dumplings with deglazed duck sauce on the side. There was expertly deboned Delmonico ribeye steak and for a veggie Diego's favorite, kidney beans but degassed this time. D'Angelo swore, "I'm not getting caught downwind of one of Diego's prodigious flatulent detonations ever again. It was like if you combined a disentombed decomposing corpse then added foul-smelling dragonroot and then the aroma of an open dump site."

For beverages Diego had instructed him, "Of course any ale besides that of the Delafuente Distillery brought here by Diomedes Delgado tastes like dishwater, but on this special occasion let us select that demijohn of rare Dom Perignon. The day has arrived to decant!"

Later, after toasting his son he confided, "I've dipped into the treasury funds for personal gain almost depleting them sometimes with my drawdowns then doctored the daybook fudging the debits and credits to cover up my defrauding ways. I don't want to see you forced into deficit spending and paying overdraft charges to your drawee bank in the process or issuing government debentures i.e. debt for your reforms when I still have much of the stolen money hidden by the décor of this room...

Under the floor beneath the striking marble copy of David by Donatello is a box with millions of dollars while behind that faded daguerrotype photo of 1850's Dorado upon the wall is another box with millions more.

These other treasures you plainly see...the ancient demirelief diptych in ivory and the ill-gotten private collection of paintings- no mere daubs but the works of Dali, Da Vinci, Degas, and then the dadaist Duchamp (deskilled art or not you decide)- are not actually mine but purchased with Dorado's money. They should be deaccessioned and sold off. I'm not generally one for disintermediation but this time you can cut out the middleman and just call my friend the aesthetic Sultan of Dubai. Each piece has a warranty of authenticity to negate any potential deattribution by experts trying to disprove their authorship. I still say my two-dimensional diorama of the Age of the Dinosaurs you see there which I did when I was in Mrs. DeSanto's kindergarten class trumps all but everyone else seems to differ."

Thankful for the honesty Davey replied, "Inflation then disinflation denotes economic instability so I will certainly be distibuting these funds into the system prudently and incrementally." Diego continued, "In additon I will cut up my executive Discover and Diner's Club credit cards delaminated and demagnetized as they are, the magnetic strips on the backs being degaussed from my overuse, splurging like a drunken sailor charging Dorado for anything and everything."

After the dessert of date nut cake (ahh the date, such an underappreciated drupe) and deseeded pomegranate (the thoughtful D'Angelo had filled a bowl of the tangy ruby drupelets) it was time for the reign of Davey to get rolling and from that day forward he enacted reforms like some human dynamo while the happily retired Diego proudly deferred.

DAVEY REALLY GETS ROLLING

Davey quickly decamped the troops Diego had deployed around the borders and demobilized any draftees that wished to go home reasoning, "I intend to honor the lines of demarcation and not duke it out with anyone. Also to our jittery neighbors in a dither over rumors Diego purchased downrange missles, daisycutter bombs, even directed energy weapons including death ray guns, I'm happy to disconfirm all that and have told the shady arms dealers he contacted that we are disinterested in these and nukes now that I'm in charge. Dorado now wishes to undo the disharmony it caused and rejoin the regional alliance it disaffiliated from where the common denominator was always peace and security."

Next he initiated a decon policy not only depolluting Dorado but cracking down on illegal dumping. Furthermore he vowed, "We will reverse the downslide in air quality especially with the installation of smokestack scrubbers to desulfurize the discharge of large industrial chimnies."

After that he said, "We can't let our farmlands become drylands in times of drought." So he sent his best draftsmen to key areas with dragline excavators and dozers to clear out all the driftwood and debris to build several large dams. He added, "In flood-prone areas we can dechannelize rivers and erect dikes as needed." Then, seeing that one indigenous tribe would be displaced by one of the dam projects, he was unwilling to accept the unfortunate detribalization that would result from their dispersal and so depopulated their area yet resettled them intact nearby.

On the economic front he not only demystified the tax code but made rates degressive to help those with the least and worked hard to correct the stubborn disequilibrium between the classes by spurring recovery. He took a very proactive approach to business by allowing accelerated depreciation and making more expenses deductible and in general removing many disincentives to growth. As he began to reverse the country's economic downtrend, companies that were ready to deleverage by downsizing their workforce with layoffs or shed whole divisions or perhaps delocalize and set up production abroad were encouraged and did not thus forestalling any potential deindustrialization and upheaval. He also disambiguated certain laws making it easier for companies domiciled in Dorado to demutualize and go public if they chose to do so. A few of those then became the hot stocks du jour, hotter than anything on the Dow Jones or elsewhere, with IPOs managed by the venerable Deutsche Bank.

To the international bankers Davey promised, "I have seen too many old currencies fall into desuetude, becoming devalued and demonetized...the denarius, dinar, doubloon, drachma, ducat, and even the deutschemark, but our 'duarte' will endure and be a stronger denomination than even the dollar."

Firmly committed to the eventual deconcentration of power in government, he retroactively decriminalized all of Diego's political opponents and announced, "Once we have completed the process of deregistering you as criminals, I assure you with no dissimulation or guile that you will not be disfranchised or retaliated against simply because I find you disagreeable when you air your differences with me. No matter how disparate our views, we shall cooperate and heal any disunion. Soon we shall reconvene the parliament disassembled so egregiously by my predecessor and correct the wrongful disempowerment."

DAVEY WANTS TO GET OUT MORE

Davey then surmised, "A true leader should not be detached like some disengaged elitist lest his connection to the people and reality not just dwindle but perhaps disappear." So he embarked upon a series of dayhops, just informal depoliticized non-photo-op outings, to get a more definitive sense of what else ailed Dorado.

He then hired his old contact Diomedes Delgado away from Dineen as a driver and told him to spruce up the presidential Daimler-benz limousine. Dimodes had the dashboard reupholstered and after merely having to replace the dipstick and the distributor cap per a full diagnostic on the vehicle, that baby was ready to go.

At his first stop the library Davey commented, "This place is too disorganized. We must start using the Dewey Decimal System so we can more easily find our Dickens and Dumas not to mention Daniel DeFoe and Emily Dickinson. To locate Sir Arthur Conan Doyle I need his detective Sherlock Holmes to show up in his deerstalker hat ready for business with Dr. Watson in tow and help me. If we make these so-called desiccated old classics more easily available then perhaps today's disjointed prose and poetic doggerel, all such wretched downmarket fare from literary dayflies, wouldn't be so prevalent."

On another jaunt he noticed, "Dorado needs a one-stop hardware store where one can get say a dustpan, duct tape, a downspout, a doorjamb, dowel pins, a drainboard, a droplight, and various other doodads, even a deburring tool, a diestock to cut threads, a drawbar to tow a trailer, and whatnot." Sure enough, he convinced Home Depot to make its debut further south than Mexico in good old Dorado.

On his next trip he remarked, "Beautiful Dorado is a dreamscape being disfeatured, a masterpiece being defaced." He immediately downzoned areas he felt were overdeveloped. To decongest certain spots he even ordered the demolition of structures that he felt had fallen into disrepair anyway seizing them by eminent domain yet making certain to pay the deedholders a nominal sum to be fair.

Tootling around another time past an abandoned dragway he commanded, "Let's put a baseball diamond here complete with spacious dugouts and a state of the art digital scoreboard then maybe even a retractable dome down the road." Maybe one of the youngsters who plays here will become the next Don Drysdale, the Dodger great and my favorite pitcher, who was always ready to decapitate any hitter who would dare crowd the plate or the next Larry Doby, my favorite hitter who desegregated the A.L. But heck, I'll settle for the next Doug Drabek or Don Demeter as long as the kid can make a dent in the major leagues."

Moseying around nighttime rather than the usual daytime on another occasion he proposed, "Let's make the necessary disbursements and have a discotheque for Doradoans to have some fun on their downtime. He swiftly converted a defunct old dance hall into a modern fun spot and often times brought in Deney Terrio dancer par excellence to emcee, Rick Dees of Disco Duck fame to deejay, and even disco diva Donna Summer (originally from Dorchester, MA Bostonians!) to perform. A short time later, a pleased Davey observed, "It's been enjoyable especially when we had dixieland jazz nite or delta bules week, but now that Donald Trump has made us a sizeable offer, I believe it's time to denationalize this venture and make a divestiture from the nightclub biz and help defray the cost of my next dream, a desalinization plant"

DAVEY VISITS DANILO THE SCIENTIST

For this Diego had urged him, "Seek out Danilo Davalillo now that he's safely back at the Ponce De Leon Old Age Home. Show him the rough draft he sent me a while back on how he aimed to desalt ocean water by distillation and see how far along he is." So Davey dropped by one bright sunny day only to find Danilo waiting for him outdoors with a dinette for two all set up on the porch. Danilo exclaimed, "Greetings, Your Highness! With my drawtube telescope I saw you coming from afar then realized 'Whew! It's like 100 degrees today!' so I grabbed from my freezer a Dove Bar, a Nestle's Drumstick, and a Haagen-Dasz sundae cone to cool you down."

While Davey rested and indulged in the ice cream, Danilo offered, "Don't know if Diego told you but I once invented this simply divine divining rod. A skilled dowser, I used my super doodlebug to tell the well diggers where to find water. To help Dorado's curators protect archival documents I came up with an early warning dosimeter, another dilly of a device, and later I pioneered a deacidification process to help restore items already brittle. I wrote countless books and papers explaining ancient dolmens, druidic ruins, and drumlins, those elongated glacial depositions, and..."

Just then Davey interruped, "Yes...but have you perfected the desalination process you once wrote Diego about?" Danilo then rifled through his drawers and cabinets until he came up with a diskette with the info Davey needed adding, "Yes, take this and build your desal plant, but after you're done return here. I will have one doozy of a demo ready for you of something revolutionary which will lessen our dependency on oil. But for now, here's an ice cold Dasani, a refreshing non-diuretic to drink that won't dehydrate you, for your return trip. And oh yes, though I would just love to drop a dime on that Dean Dineen to the international press, I will honor the deal you cut with him and bite my lip since he promised you he'd desist from meddling in Dorado anymore if I did so. Otherwise, he'd have a hell of a time disembarassing himself from my bombshell that he's a would-be kingmaker who acts like a mafia don ordering hits."

DAVEY GOES CHANNEL SURFING & MORE

Back at the palace a degenerative disc condition Davey had been battling flared up from all the running around whereupon the versatile D'Angelo once again sprung into action. He was skilled at decompression therapy and performed it each day to help depressurize Davey's troubled lower back. To pass the time during these diurnal sessions Davey bought a Daewoo 60" plasma TV but soon found the televised fare in Dorado to be pure dross.

Said he, "I keep clicking the remote and it's such a rapid drumfire of crappy shows I feel we are diddling the public, cheating them out of good entertainment in every demographic category." So Davey, appalled by the dearth of good programming in his country, created the DaveTV channel with great shows both in English and dubbed in Spanish such as:

  • The Dick Van Dyke Show (with Richard Deacon as the dorky boss and oh yeah, nothing like Rob & Laura's double twin beds divided by a nightstand to desexualize marriage!)
  • Dobie Gillis (with Dwayne Hickman...and a pre-Gilligan Bob Denver!)
  • The Doris Day Show and The Dukes of Hazard (both featuring good old Denver Pyle)
  • The Wonderful World of Disney (where Doradoans were introduced to Dumbo, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and Donald Duck, that wacky drake, among others)
  • Dragnet (the cop docudrama featuring a deadpan Jack Webb)
  • Diff'rent Strokes (with the lovely yet tragic Dana Plato as Kimberly Drummond)
  • Dallas and Dynasty (the former with the underrated Patrick Duffy and the latter where they had the elegant Diane Carroll playing Dominique Devereuax for a few seasons)
  • Designing Women (with the always entertaining Delta Burke and Dixie Carter) and even...
  • Desperate Hosewives (the wacky dramedy where James Denton as Mike Delfino the plumber stole the show)

Anyway, once Davey had the desal plant up and running as planned, he concluded, "Dorado has plenty of fresh water now so I will be the proud donor of Danby dishwashers to all the little old ladies with dishpan hands. This dermic problem will be eradicated once I relieve them of the drudgery of cleaning dishes by hand with the dichcloth. This model has durable nylon racks and ample capacity for all sizes of dishware. Just add detergent to the dispenser and press start!"

Davey then thought, "Perhaps it's my daimon guiding me (or daemon if you're into diphthongs), but before I crowd my datebook with other commitments I should see Danilo Davalillo again now that I feel better."

DAVEY VISITS DANILO THE SCIENTIST II

This time Danilo greeted him saying, "Ah Davey, chillier today than before so heat up with a demitasse of doppio espresso but decaf per the dietician here at Ponce De Leon Old Age Home." While Davey imbibed the double shot, Danilo revealed, "Perhaps I've disarranged the fundamental order of things for Diablo Oil, Devonshire Petrol, and Delphi Energy Group and the like. You know these oligarchs, to avoid any diseconomy of scale by being so big, have all disaggregated in the past, but after being diced up, if you sort through the dizzying web of subsidiaries etc., they aren't actually delayered but huger than ever!

Now I got tired of our being treated like a doormat and seeing the country ration then deration gas based on their whim. They very deceptively claim shortages to boost profits claiming their supply is dissipated whilst their oil derricks are still gushing! So I sought to deschool myself and think totally outside the box and somehow administer them a dose of humble pie. I say they are snakes to be defanged, devils to be dehorned. Now look!" Danilo then unveiled his piece de resistance, a downscaled prototype of a contraption that created cheap energy derived from coal. Continued he, "No scientific disproof will be forthcoming. I've run the test dozens of times. My fuel even burns cleaner and will serve to decarbonize the atmosphere."

"Wow," said a duly impressed Davey, "There's trouble downstream for Big Oil. This could get dodgy since you know they won't just throw in the dishtowel and concede market share. It will get ugly and it won't be a simple dustup or donnybrook but war. But there's no disinventing this now and putting the djinni back in the bottle."

Danilo confirmed, "Truly. My presentation fell on deaf ears at the Dorado Scientific Institute. The sign above the doorframe might as well read 'Sellouts' since they were afraid of disendowment by guess who...drumroll please...Big Oil if they encouraged me, a fellow member! The elders' mouths just tightened as if by drawstrings when I presented my theory exposing the disutility of fossil fuels and my solution and fluttered their dovecotes. One supporter, a lecturing docent at a local college found himself inexplicably decertified and unwelcome on his campus afterwards. Then my lawyer, a maverick in the mold of Clarence Darrow, found himself suddenly disbarred after trying to file my patent."

Davey replied, "Nevertheless, I would say the time for disinvestment from my successful DaveTV foray is nigh so I can double down and make this a reality. Our friend Donald Trump, since he hasn't squandered his wealth on the silly dot-com bubble or risky financial derivative instruments like so many dumbass would-be hotshots, wants to but me out again." Once this was done and he had the necessary funds at his disposal, Davey built the so-called hydrogenation plant operating on Danilo's technology where production quickly dwarfed that of Big Oil thus dissevering their strangling hands from Dorado's neck economically speaking.

Fresh from this success, Davey suggested to Diego, "Let's celebrate and go to the downs for the dressage competition." Diego cautioned, "But son, those morally debased robber barons sent us death threats. Big Oil isn't taking their comeuppance lying down, not with investors being so downbeat on them. Diablo, Devonshire, Delphi...all stocks on the downtick lately. Please, let's not venture beyond these doorposts just yet and stay in. We can play dominoes and darts on my new dartboard."

Davey countered, "Nonsense, I'm not some dainty toy figure to be cooped up in a pretty dollhouse and ditto for you." Diego reconsidered, "Well, the weather certainly is delightful today and I feel just ducky for a change. I mean, tomorrow I could suddenly have a downturn in my health and be all dicolored again like I'm ready for my deathbed. Yes, why cower like timid dormice. Carpe Diem!"

DAVEY AND DIEGO SEE THE HORSIES

At the stadium a drop-dead gorgeous woman, a perfect 10 like Bo Derek (a perfect twelve for you math dweebs out there who prefer the duodecimal system), took a seat near them. Davey stood up and doffed his cap and complimented the lady on her eye-popping dirndl inspired dress. "Oh yes, the clumsy maitre-d' at the Damascus club spilled dolma on my dolman sleeve dress and everything else was at the dry cleaners." she responded.

She claimed she was a vacationing young dowager duchess from Europe, a recent widow and not a greedy divorcee, who had inherited a grand duchy but was recovering from her grief in pleasant Dorado. A smitten Davey instructed his bodyguard, "Next to the drugstore nearby there's a dinky little florist shop. Get a bouquet of daisies and roses and whatever else the floral decorator wishes to add and hurry back!" This was ill-advised since no sooner did he leave than the woman pulled out a derringer and aimed at Davey whereupon Diego instinctively dove in front of his son and took the bullet. Not only was the sound of the gunshot overpowered by the deafening roar of the sporting crowd, but she was able to pull a quick disappearing act blending into it as she fled.

Diego had been suspicious of her all along and gasped, "The only single duchess I remember is a dowdy old bag who belonged at the head of a dogsled team. She smelled like she'd just been disinterred and wore very defeminizing matronly outfits, had bad dandruff, and was in serious need of a facial dermabrasion and an effective depilatory cream to reduce alarming armpit hair density."

As Davey frantically summoned for a doctor Diego struggled on

  • DIEGO: "I drank from the cup of ignorance and disenabled my soul for so long. I have tearfully repented to escape eternal damnation, hitting the delete key to try and erase my past, but why do I feel my deliverance is not assured?"
  • DAVEY: "I don't know, maybe you haven't forgiven everyone...like Dean Dineen whom we all know now is a dirtbag."
  • DIEGO: "Oh him! May a piece of space junk from a deteriorating satellite fall into deorbit and crash down on his head. No scratch that. He was only doing his job I guess...decommunzing, denazifying, and de-facizing (?) the world as instructed. He did send my long lost son Davey my way albeit to kill me so why darken my soul any longer, I forgive Dineen. But it's Big Oil that has done me in here for sure using that deluded young girl as a tool so I forgive them too."
  • DAVEY: "I bet the bodyguard could've safely deflected the bullet with his dragon skin body armor if only...
  • DIEGO: "'Twas fate Dave so be not downhearted. Now before I disembark from this ship called life, as for Danilo Davalillo, let his detractors be in complete disaccord with him and try to disaffirm his research on cold fusion all they wish. He must keep trying to get the deuterium to diffuse just right in his Dewar flask and create infinite heat for the world! Goodbye Davey..."

WHITHER THE FAKE DUCHESS?

Later that day the Coast Guard reported a small craft in distress dismasted and capsized in the ocean nearby. The woman was found clinging to what was left of the deckhouse and surrounded by curious dogfish sharks (where are the playful dugongs when you need them?). The wreckage was that of a decommissioned unseaworthy Dorado navy vessel which had somehow fallen into the hands of one Captain Drake. He had long since failed a disintoxification program and was so drunk when the shaky ship went down he drowned while the girl survived.

The federal DA as soon as he could bumped every other case on the docket to prosecute the defendants, no duchess of course but one Dora Del Valle cohort of the late Captain Drake and Diablo, Devonshire, and Delphi. A key deponent was the proprietor of the Dewdrop Inn nearby who submitted a digicam video surveillance film clearly showing oil execs from the three companies conspiring with the duo of Drake and Dora a week before. Not only that, a dockhand from the marina swore to seeing their boat sneak in and out without paying dockage fees at the time of the getaway...

THE SAD STORY OF DORA

After an evil stepmom had Dora disowned and disiherited, Dora was forced to leave home with nothing more than a daypack upon her back. She found shelter with an order of discalced nuns who went about training her as a helpful deaconess, whose duties included distributing alms and delivering food baskets to the needy, even helping children with dyslexia and other learning difficulties at the local school. Yet Dora, not permitted to wear her Dr. Scholl's or Adidas, quickly realized that her feet, fast becoming deformed and disfigured, would only get worse if she continued, and chose to quit the order. She stopped at the Dragonfly Lounge when she reached town and was enjoying some dong po pork with Darjeeling tea pondering her next move when who strode by her table but notorious pirate and hitman Captain Drake whom she saw had just downed a whole table full of dim sum...by himself.

Said he, "Little Darlin' (yes the doo-wop song of that title by The Diamonds was his favorite), I sense you need some divertissement in your dullish life and I'm the cure! Little did she know he was a deranged madman from the Duran & Duran Hospital for the Criminally Insane who made John Dillinger look like the Pillsbury Doughboy and had never actually been deinstitutionalized but had simply escaped. It was funny that though his number had long since been delisted, the dirtiest work always found its way to him (e.g. The Big Oil hit on Davey in which Diego was shot).

Explained Dora about the Dewdrop Inn film, "As you can see I was just chilling there sipping a strawberry daiquiri while the four guys were deadlocked after dissecting the assassination plan from every angle. Then my Drakey had a brainstorm and cried, 'D'oh! Innocent Dora can get close!' and they all nodded demonstratively and shook hands and gave me the gun."

CONCLUSION

In the end the oil execs were done in by all the damning evidence and spent the rest of their days in a chain gang digging ditches, cleaning bird droppings off statues, and clearing swampland without the benefit of deet repellant. For her cooperation Dora avoided the death penalty but paid her debt to society with a life sentence proving that in the end crime reaps no dividends.

Diego indeed succumbed to the wound but Davey said, "According to the decedent's wishes there are to be no downtempo dirges at the funeral." So he commissioned tunesmith Diane Warren to compose a lovely ballad to be sung by Celene Dion and Vic Damone entitled 'Adios Diego' considered by many to be the prettiest ditty ever written.

THE END