• God sneezed. I didn't know what to say.
  • I dreamt that I ate this gigantic marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone!
  • I'm not my usual energetic self today. I think I have too much blood in my coffee stream.
  • Yesterday on the bus I saw vegetarian eating animal crackers.
  • I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
  • "It won't take long...did it?" said the male rabbit
  • Jack the Ripper was never killed. I think he's been doing my shirts!
  • I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
  • Now here's the band that inspired the saying, 'Stop the Music!'
  • Our next performer doesn't need an introduction. He needs an act
  • Our next performer's last show was closed after three performances on account of bad language...by the critics.
  • Ladies and Gentlemen, I am not going to bore you with a speech this evening, but I will introduce you to a man who will...(name)
  • I would like to present to you a fellow who is the funniest, most intelligent, and most entertaining speaker and wrote this introduction for me...
  • A toast! A toast! Champagne to my real friends and Real pain to my sham friends!
  • Hello and thank you for calling the Incontinence Hotline. Are you able to hold, please?
  • Hello and thank you for calling the Constipation Hotline. We know YOU can hold.
  • If at first you don't succeed, don't take up hang-gliding
  • I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  • Don't despair, I think there may be hope for you. After all, if they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, surely they can make something out of you.
  • Look, I don't want to engage in a battle of wits with you. After all, I don't like to fight an unarmed man.
  • I was going to tell you to stop acting like a fool but then I realized you're not acting.
  • You're about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
  • I think he rode the Tilt-a Whirl too long when he was little
  • I'm not saying my brother-in-law is a thief but let's just say he always seems to find things before people lose them.
  • It's so good to see you! It means you're not behind my back!
  • We could use your opinion. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  • I had a hot date and asked my pop for some advice, so he said, 'Just remember kid, accidents cause people.'
  • My pop caught my sister with a marijuana cigarette in her mouth, so he grabbed it and said, 'Hey, what's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?'
  • I found Miss Right. Unfortunately, it turned out that her first name was Always.
  • I was going with this girl for a couple of years but then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
  • I got a Christmas card from my mortgage company. It read, 'Merry Christmas from our house to our house'.
  • I went to the hardware store the other day and bought some Spot Remover. Now I can't find my dog.
  • I don't have much of a green thumb. I took up gardening and all I grew was tired.
  • Our big clock fell off the wall. If this had happened a minute earlier it would have come crashing down upon my mother-in-law. That clock was always slow.
  • My mother-in-law was dangerously ill but she recovered. Now she's dangerously well.
  • I was stuck behind a car that had bumper stickers on it that read, 'Boycott Genetically Engineered Food", 'Support Organic Farmers', 'Eat Healthy'. I wanted to continue reading but then the car pulled out and it was my turn next at the McDonald's drive-thru.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • Everybody drinks so darn much on St. Patrick's Day they might as well call it an alcoholiday.
  • Beginning of expose on the wasteful and infamous Big Dig in Boston MA:
    "Once upon a time and a half..."
  • It's too bad that all the toilet seats were stolen from the police station bathroom because the police say they have nothing to go on.
  • An announcement came over the loudspeaker at an army base one afternoon, 'Those men who won Good Conduct medals this morning are to pick them up in the supply room this afternoon. Those who fail to comply will face disciplinary action."
  • Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
  • Ever wonder why some people will fork over two bucks for a little bottle of that Evian water? Well just spell Evian backwards.
  • How come if I dress nicely for work I'm not sheveled or kempt and if I'm content there I'm not gruntled and if I'm working hard once I get there I'm not chalant?
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • And while we're at it, there must be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"
  • And why does 'minimalism' have so many syllables?
  • And why isn't 'phonetic' spelt the way it sounds?
  • And why is it so difficult to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
  • What's another word for a thesaurus?
  • What's another word for synonym?
  • Why does only one company make the game Monopoly?
  • Is it a coincidence that when you put the letters together, 'The I.R.S.' spells 'Theirs'?
  • Did you hear that the U.S. put a bounty on the head of Osama Bin Laden? It's the first time in history a bounty has been put on the head of a guy wearing bounty on his head.
  • According to history, Washington, the father of our country, never had any child of his own... which makes me wonder what kind of people we really are.
  • I don't think I can use the general store. I need something specific.