The schoolteacher asks little Jimmy why he isn't writing like the other children taking a test. He says "I ain't got no pencil". She corrects him at once: "No Jimmy. It's 'I don't have a pencil' 'You don't have a pencil' 'He doesn't have a pencil' 'She doesn't have a pencil' 'We don't have any pencils' and 'They don't have any pencils' Is that clear?
Little Jimmy goes "I guess. But... what happened to all them pencils?"

For Thanksgiving the schoolteacher asks each of her pupils to tell the class what they have to be thankful for. Finally it gets to little Jimmy's turn. "I am thankful....(then he's pondering it some more but finally pipes in).....that I am not a turkey!

The history teacher asks the little hillbilly boy if he know who was responsible for the Boston Tea Party, secretly dumping all that perfectly good tea into Boston Harbor in the middle of the night. The boy replies timidly, "I didn't do it Miss Brooks!" Perplexed, she decides to call his parents in so she may speak to them about this. The old farmer dad rides on up there that same night. He rides up in his rusty but trusty tractor and still has his work boots and overalls on from a tough day of toiling under the hot heavy sun working his land. "Sir, I asked your son who was responsible for the Boston Tea Party, dumping all that perfectly good tea into the Boston Harbor in the middle of the night. He replied that he didn't do it." The farmer lets it all sink in and gives it some thought and replies, "Miss. I brought my son up to be a good honest kid and if he says he didn't do it, he didn't do it."

The telephone rings at the elementary school and the principal answers. "Hi," says the voice on the other end, "Jimmy can't come to school all this week and next." The principal asks, "Gee, what seems to be the problem with him? Is he all right?" "Oh, no big problem" comes the reply, "It's just that we're all going on a family vacation." The principal follows, "I guess that would be permissible but may I ask who is calling?" The voice says, "Sure. This is my father!"

Teacher: Why are you so late for school?
Little Jimmy: I had to say goodbye to my pets
Teacher: But you are two hours late
Little Jimmy: I have a big ant farm
Teacher: Why are you so tardy today?
Little Jimmy: I'm sorry I'm late, miss, but I had to make my own breakfast this morning.
Teacher: Well we'll have to discuss that later, but now that you're here we must continue our geography quiz. Now James, do you know where the Canadian border is?
Little Jimmy: Sure, miss. In bed with my mommy. That's why I had to make my own breakfast today!
Geography Teacher: Next question class. What is the name of the country we live in? (Little Jimmy with an expectant look on his face raises his hand high so the teacher picks him)
Little Jimmy: That's easy. Just like the song. "Tis of Thee!"
Little Jimmy (raising his hand before class): Miss Brooks, would I get punished for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Why no, Jimmy
Little Jimmy: Oh Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Teacher: Why didn't you turn in your homework?
Little Jimmy: I couldn't do it. Too much noise at home.
Teacher: All evening long? What kind of noise?
Little Jimmy: The TV and yeah, it was blaring all night so loud I couldn't concentrate.
Teacher: Well then surely you could have asked someone to turn the sound down.
Little Jimmy: No ma'am. No one else was in my room.
Teacher: Jimmy, name me two pronouns.
Jimmy: Who, me?
Teacher: Correct!
Little Jimmy says to Miss Buckley the schoolteacher, "I bet I can say the alphabet faster than you! You can go first!" Amused, she says, "OK. Here goes. A,B,C,D,E......(and she says the rest very fast all the way up to)........X,Y,Z! All done, Jimmy. That only took 10 seconds. Your turn now." He goes..... "The alphabet! I win!"
Teacher: Now Little Jimmy! This essay you just handed in about your pet dog is word for word exactly the same as the one your brother turned in last year.
Little Jimmy: Of course it is. It's the same dog!
Teacher: I believe you copied off Albert when you took this test.
Little Jimmy: Why do you say that?
Teacher: Because whenever he put 'I don't know' you put 'Neither do I'
Teacher: Why are you wearing just one glove today?
Little Jimmy: 'Cuz they said on the TV weather that it was gonna be sunny but on the other hand it might get cold!
Teacher: Ok, Little Jimmy, if the Air Force is in the air and the Navy is on the sea and the Marines are on the land, sea, AND air, then where is the Army?
Little Jimmy: Up my sleeve-y!
It's the first day of school. The mean and angry schoolmaster is looking over all the new kiddies' names. He knows every family in the small town and one particular name jumps out at him.
Schoolmaster: Ah, I see. We have a new Miller child among us. Raise your hand so I can see you, young James Miller.
Little Jimmy nervously raises his hand not knowing what to expect.
Schoolmaster: Well what's it going to be, my little fellow. Are you going to behave like your older sister who was a perfect angel and will one day be among the angels high up in heaven or like your older brother who was a naughty little devil and will one day wind up way down in hell?
Little Jimmy: Well sir, sometimes I'm good like my sister but sometimes I'm bad like my brother so I must be going to a place called heck!
Teacher: Who was the explorer who discovered America?
Little Jimmy: Ohio
Teacher: Ohio? Come now, James! That's a state! It was Columbus!
Little Jimmy: I didn't think you were going by first name
It's the first day of school and the school secretary is filling out the student information forms for the new kids to add to her files.
School Secretary: What does our daddy do for work?
Little Jimmy: My daddy's a magician
School Secretary: That's certainly interesting. What's his best trick?
Little Jimmy: When he saws people in half!
School Secretary: My Goodness! And have you any brothers or sisters?
Little Jimmy: Yup. I gotta half-brother and a couple half-sisters.
Teacher: Spell 'weather' as in 'The weatherman forecasts the weather'
Little Jimmy: W-e-t-h-u-e-a-r, weather!
Teacher: That's the worst spell of weather we've had in a long time.
The arithmetic teacher notices that Little Johnny isn't paying much attention in class so she calls on him. "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 25?" Johnny quickly answers, "PBS, NBC, and FOX!"