Wife: My husband thinks he's a TV antenna
Doctor: I think I can cure him
Wife: No. I don't need him cured. I just need you to adjust him so I can get Channel 4!

A guy goes running into a clinic:

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! Help me please! No one pays attention to me!
Doctor: NEXT!
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking there are two of me! Like I'm a double or something!
Doctor: One at a time please.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I can't stop stealing things!
Doctor: Give me back my paperweight and take these pills for a week. If they don't work come back and bring me a new camcorder!
Psychiatrist: Will you be able to afford to pay me?
New Patient: Not to worry. I will pay every penny of my bill or my name isn't Napoleon Bonaparte!

Six Months Later:

Psychiatrist: Congratulations. You are now cured. You should have no more delusions of grandeur imagining you're Napoleon Bonaparte.
Patient: Fantastic! I can hardly wait to get home and tell Josephine the good news.
Patient: Doctor, people keep calling me crazy.
Doctor: Well then perhaps we should start at the beginning
Patient: OK. In the beginning, I created the heavens and earth. And since the earth was formless and void, I decided...
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! Every time I drive down a country road I find myself singing 'Green Green Grass of Home'. Whenever I see a cat I start singing 'What's New Pussycat'. If I see an attractive woman, I break out with 'She's A Lady'.
Doctor: Not to worry. You just have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient: But Doc, I've never heard of it before. Is it common?
Doctor: 'It's Not Unusual'

A guy gets sent to the psychiatrist by his concerned family. The doc says, "So what seems to be your particular problem?" The guy says, "I prefer wool socks to cotton socks." The doc says "That's not so bad. I myself sometimes choose wool socks over cotton socks especially when it gets cold." The guy replies, "Really? Oh Wow, that's great! But tell me doc, do you like 'em with oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

A psychotherapist started up his own practice and decided to have a sign painted up to help attract business. The investment in advertising didn't seem to be working since a few weeks went by and he still hadn't gotten a single patient. Particularly strange was the fact that a number of women had approached the place but then abruptly turned back. Curious, he ventured out front to where the sign was and took a good look at it. It was then that he realized he had ordered too small a sign and the painter due to the shortage of space had written:

PATIENT: Doctor my feet keep falling asleep
DOCTOR: Wear loud socks
Q: What did the doctor say when he noticed he had left his thermometer behind his ear?
A: Hey! Some asshole has my pen!

One of the doctors is making his rounds yelling out Tetanus! Typhoid! Mumps! Measles! The newly hired nurse hears the noisy doc and asks,

New Nurse: Why does he keep running around doing that?
Old Nurse: Oh Him? He just likes to call the shots around here.

A doctor is making his rounds followed by a group of medical students. He points to an X-ray on the wall and queries one student, "This patient limps because there is a radical arching of the right fibula and tibia. What would you do in a case like this?" "Well," says the pondering student, "I guess I'd be limping too."

Patient: How can I live to be 100 years old, doc?
Doctor: It takes a good deal of sacrifice. You must give up consuming cookies, candy, cake, ice cream, and all manner of sweets. You must also forgo eating red meat, potatoes, anything fried, and white bread. And no soft drinks loaded with sugar either.
Patient: So if I can adhere to that regimen, I'll live to be 100?
Doctor: Not necessarily, but it will certainly feel like it.

A little boy went into his mommy's pocket change and gobbled down some coins---pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters­­---thinking they were candy. Upon discovering this, she rushes him to the hospital. Night turns into day and the anxious mother seeks out the doctor for the latest news...

Mom: Doctor, Doctor! Any progress with my son? Did anything come out?
Doctor: No change yet.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He's got a cucumber stuck up his nose, a carrot lodged in his left ear, and a banana wedged into his right ear. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "You're not eating properly."

Another man walks into the doctor's office with a leaf of lettuce hanging from his ear. The doctor takes one look at him.....
Doctor: Hmmm, that's awful strange.
Patient: Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!

A guy's feeling really stressed out so he decides to take a long hot bath. He's got the water at just the right temperature with plenty of soapy bubbles and he's just getting comfortable, he hears the front doorbell ring. He climbs out of the tub, dons his bathrobe, wraps a towel around his head so he won't catch cold, slips into his slippers, and runs downstairs to see who's there. It's a salesman trying to sell him a vacuum. He slams the door on him and trudges back to his hot bath. He's ready to start scrub-a-dub-dubbing away when doesn't the front doorbell ring again! So again he climbs out of the tub, dons his bathrobe, wraps a towel around his head so he won't catch cold, slips into his slippers, and runs downstairs to see who's there. It's some agent who wants to talk to him about life insurance. He slams the door and trudges back to his hot bath. A few minutes later, the front doorbell rings yet again. So it's out of the tub and again on go the bathrobe and towel, but as he tries to get into his slippers, he hits a wet spot and BANG! falls and whacks his back on the hard porcelain tub as he hits the floor. In terrible pain, he's cursing under his breath as he struggles to get into his street clothes and get to the doctor. He limps right past the Jehovah's Witnesses who wish to convert him and into his car then drives to the clinic. The doctor examines him and says, "You're lucky you didn't break any bones. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

A doctor tells a woman with very little money that not only is her beloved husband very ill, but that he needs a very expensive operation to survive. The poor woman explains to him that she can't possibly finance the procedure and asks if he can think of any other way of getting this done. The doctor comes up with a brilliant plan and says, "I know! We'll get ourselves a team of the top doctors in the world to operate on your husband and all you have to do is give the network the approval to show it on live TV. That way the whole world can learn how this intricate and amazing operation is performed." She considers it a blessing and signs the contract with the network. The day of the operation arrives and they wheel the husband into the operating room. There are cameras everywhere and a big-time director with his crew, and as promised, the famous physicians. An hour later, the doctor comes to her in the waiting room with bad news...

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry miss, but your husband didn't make it. We gave it our best shot but he died just moments ago on our operating table.
Wife (sniffling trying to remain strong): Well, that's show business.
Doctor: Miss, can you remember what your husband's last words were?
Wife: Yes, I remember now. He said, "I wonder how they can turn a profit selling this big tin of red salmon for only fifteen cents?
Doctor: I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I broke my leg in two places. What should I do?
Doctor: Quit going to those places.

A young doctor had just started up his own practice. On the very first day his office was open for business, a stranger walked in. The ambitious doctor, anxious to make a good impression, asked the fellow if it was OK for him to pick up a call he had on hold and picked up the receiver, "Yes. This is the Doctor. Sure, come in one hour from now but
don't be late because I'm a busy man. Yes, the fee would be $500." After hanging up, he turns his attention back to the stranger and asks, "Now my friend, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," says the visitor, "I'm just here to install the phone lines."

Patient: Nurse! Nurse! I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots

Oblivious Man (entering crowded doctor's office): Miss, is there anyone ahead of me?

Receptionist: No of course not. They're all here to read old magazines.
Patient (on phone): I have a bad rash and I can't sleep either. I need to make an appointment to see the doctor right away.
Receptionist: I'm sorry. I can't fit you in until two weeks from today.
Patient: Two weeks? You're kidding me! I could be dead by then!
Receptionist: No problem sir. If your wife lets us know, we'll just cancel the appointment.
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I need glasses!
Answer: "You might be right. This is a hardware store."

A little old lady wakes up one day to find her beloved old dog lying on the kitchen floor motionless. Heartbroken, she rushes her poor Scruffy to the vet to see if he can be saved. The vet makes a brief examination but informs her that it appears the dog has died. Devastated at the prospect of having lost her pet, she begs him for additional testing. Not confident that it will make any difference at all, he nevertheless agrees to continue. First he opens the door to an adjoining room and in runs a very temperamental adversarial cat. It circles the dog and hisses at him and sniffs at him and seems ready to claw him mercilessly at any instant but the dog doesn't move. The distraught woman laments, "Scruffy hated cats something fierce. If he were alive, he would have barked right back at that mean old cat." The vet then opens a door to another room and in comes a happy, tail-wagging Labrador retriever. Eagerly looking for a playmate, he does everything to awaken Scruffy. He barks and sniffs and playfully pokes him with his head and paws. Ultimately, he becomes disillusioned as the other dog remains motionless, looks up to the doctor, and shakes his head side to side. "Oh my," says the old lady, "Scruffy loved to play. If he were alive, he surely would have responded to the friendly doggie. My poor Scruffy must be gone." The vet writes out the bill and hands it to the old lady. She's a bit surprised the fee is so high at $450 and asks him if he's made some kind of mistake in his calculation. He explains, "The initial exam was only $50 but it was $200 for the CAT scan and $200 for the Lab report."

Dentist: OK. Open wide now. Oh my goodness! That cavity has to be the biggest I've ever seen, the biggest I've ever seen, the biggest I've ever seen.
Patient: All right already. You don't have to keep repeating yourself!
Dentist: I didn't. That was the echo.

An older couple has to interrupt their vacation for a dental emergency. "I'm in a big hurry," says the woman, "I don't want Novocain but lets' get right to it and extract the tooth right away so we can be on our way." The dentist is taken aback but nevertheless impressed, "You certainly are one courageous woman. Which is the offending tooth?" She turns to her husband just coming through the door, "Show him your bad tooth, dear."

Dentist: All finished. That was easy. I must say miss, you have the most perfect mouth!
Patient: Oh, why thank you.
Dentist: No really, I usually have all sorts of trouble getting at people's wisdom teeth, but you...your mouth is so big I can get both my hands in there easily!