Well here you have it Misakmanners! Here are my choices for the most unbearable stinkers ever recorded. All these loathsome ditties are guaranteed to not just make you roll your eyeballs in disdain but make your skin crawl. You will be left pining for the comparitively plaintive sounds of fingernails being scraped over a blackboard. Included with each groaner is the requisite snarky Misakman comment which you knew I couldn't resist. Simon Cowell has nothing on me!

Amazingly, some of these artists also appear on my Misakman's 1001 Greatest Songs of All Time. Harry Chapin, Herman's Hermits, Donna Summer, Tavares, and even Frankie Valli share that dubious distinction. So I wasn't as hidebound as you may think and indeed forgave them their momentary lapses of reason detailed here.

Now I didn't include tunes that I'm simply sick of since the oldies and classic rock stations have pounded them into the dust. There are plenty of great songs that are annoying not through any fault of the writer or artist but radio programmers and DJ's. Maggie May by Rod Stewart, Celebrate by Kool &The Gang, Turn The Page by Bob Seger, Hotel California by the Eagles, Lean On Me by Club Nouveau, Jack & Diane by John Cougar and Rikki Don't Lose That Number by Steely Dan come to mind quickly, but there are countless others that sadly pack zero punch for me anymore. There were a few I almost included simply because I didn't like the way they were arranged. For instance, the spooky One Of These Nights by the Eagles and the brassy Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder are superior tunes but are marred by overly repetitive choruses at the end. I just wish they had done things differently and hate the way the boring way they fade out but that's getting too picky. It wasn't like they reeked from jump like these sure-fire ossifiers.

Click on any song title and you will be instantly connected to an entertaining 30 second clip of that song from either Barnes and Noble, Amazon, iTunes or Misakman's private vault. You will have to download iTunes and Windows Media Player onto your computer to play everything. They don't cost anything so it's well worth it. If I couldn't find a clip or if the clips available were unsatisfactory to me (if I didn't feel they captured the annoyingness of the song), I dug into my personal music archives and supplied my own clip. Anyway, you'll have to buy the music at the sites the clips link to (iTunes, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon). Beyond that, you can always try Music Stack if the item is very rare. You may of course have your own favorite retailer such as CD Universe, Newbury Comics, Tower Records, or even someplace else.

The Barnes and Noble clips and the ones from my vault should just play immediately. With the Amazon clips, once the Amazon page comes up simply click the 'play' button/arrow to the left of the song title. Now iTunes is kind of funny. If clicking the song title here at Misakman doesn't take you to an iTunes preview page which then automatically goes to the iTunes store where you click the play button/arrow to the left of the song title at the highlighted song, then do the following for best results...at the iTunes preview page simply scroll down and click 'view in iTunes' to the right of the relevant song title from the album's song list. That will take you to the iTunes store where you now click that play button/arrow to the left of the song title at the highlighted song. Trust me, it's all a cinch and you'll have hours of fun!

When I hear these musical atrocities I feel I have to immediately grab a bucket or roll down a window in case I have to hurl. OK, MORBIDLY CURIOUS MUSIC FANS! Click on all the audio clips and let the barf-fest begin!

  1. Paul Anka - Having My Baby (W/Odia Coates)
    I do hope odious Odia has the baby then puts her singing career on permanent hiatus.
  2. Toni Basil - Mickey
    A dreadful song that includes an irritating high school cheerleader style chant. It's actually a remake of a very likeable older song Kitty (about a girl) by a group called Racey, but of course as the fates would have it, it's this newer one we still hear nowadays.
  3. Bay City Rollers - Saturday Night
    Here we have heartthrobs the Bay City Rollers chanting away mindlessly. I actually own this. I actually bought it as a kid as a matter of fact. Couldn't have been voluntary. I must have been compelled. I'll have to dig up the vinyl '45 I purchased and check for subliminal messages. No way could I have been such a lame-o. I'll play it backwards if necessary to see what these apparently harmless handsome lads, yet perhaps shapeshifting instruments of Satan, were really saying to me, a mere unsuspecting child.
  4. Beach Boys - Barbara Ann
    I swear they're trying to get on my nerves! Argh! When he goes for those high ones...Oh, the humanity!...
  5. Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
    How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? I know how...by turning them off immeditately and not listening to their singing/warbling. But now how can you mend my punctured eardrums?
  6. Black Eyed Peas - My Humps
    The stupidest most juvenile song in recent memory. So gallingly bad. So incredibly popular.
  7. Boogie Boys - A Fly Girl
    I know this is 'Old School' rap but let's please revoke this school's charter thank you. L.L. Cool J's early 'Yvette' is equally cringe-worthy but that wasn't a hit record like this thank goodness.
  8. Peter Brown - Dance With Me
    I know it's supposed to be funky but I hate it and would always rebel and not dance to it. Just couldn't bring myself to pay homage to it or justify it in any way. Got To Be Real by Cheryl Lynn and Best Of My Love by the Emotions had this same strange effect on me but I felt this was the worst of the unfunky funky songs.
  9. Glen Campbell - Dreams Of The Everday Housewife
    Oh please! Spare me! I realize I wasn't this song's intended demographic anyway but then that corny waltz-style beat just pushes me over the edge.
  10. Harry Chapin - Cat's in The Cradle
    At the end he declares emphatically, "My boy was just like me!" I guess that's OK as long as the boy didn't become a songwriter too.
  11. Charlene - I've Never Been To Me
    Perhaps you haven't, but I've defintely been to the trash compactor.
  12. Cher - Half-Breed
    I dunno. I used to have kinduva crush on Cher actually. The Kardashians remind me of her when she was younger. So I couldn't help but 'share Cher'. I promise that this song is even more painful than that pun.Trult, only a halfwit would enjoy this halfbaked song.
  13. Jessi Colter - I'm Not Lisa
    Not only are you not Lisa but you're also not someone I want to listen to.
  14. Culture Club - Karma Chameleon
    I admit it's perky but what the hell is he/she talking about? It was a close call between this and the insipid War Song by Boy George and the Culture Club.
  15. Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me
    Two things I hate jam-packed into one obnoxious song. Too much raunchiness to go along with a stupid chant.
  16. Destiny's Child - Survivor
    Can they say the word Survivor any more times? Are they going for some sort of record? I heartily commend any survivor who was able to sit through this whole song.
  17. Dexys Midnight Runners - C'mon Eileen
    Whoa! That fiddle part really grates on my nerves never mind the gobbly vocals.
  18. Bo Donaldson &The Heywoods - Billy Don't Be A Hero
    Billy fought to preserve our freedoms...Only in a country like ours could a guy be able to think up an irritating song like this then record it and sell it and find someone to actually shell out hard-earned dollars to purchase it. God Bless America indeed.
  19. Four Seasons - December 1963 (Oh What A Night!) (See also Frankie Valli &The Four Seasons below)
    A 4 Seasons 'comeback'. Just what I needed. Definitely a pre-Aids anthem. Sounds like he's getting laid and doesn't even know the lady's name or anything. Great message you're sending out buddy. Hooray for the pro-casual sex with random partners movement I guess.
  20. Four Seasons - Who Loves You
    Absolutely despise this record. I guess it's supposed to be 'funky' Problem is they still play this and the tune above on the radio a lot.
  21. David Geddes - Run Joey Run
    Yes, as fast as you can...away from the recording studio thank you.
  22. Bobby Goldsboro - A Butterfly For Bucky
    I actually like his song Honey so much I almost included it in my Top 1001 if you can believe it. But this tearjerker... I'm sorry, just too grueling. I forget how it ends. Does the kid die like Honey? I don't care enough to spend the buck downloading it to find out. Score this one a butterfly for Bucky and a mad dash to the crapper for the rest of us.
  23. Herman's Hermits - Henry The Eighth I Am
    Peter Noone is really milking that Cockney accent for all it's worth. I swear he's going a bit overboard and parodying his own voice.
  24. Jellybean - Sidewalk Talk
    No it's not Madonna singing the lead but someone else (though she's definitely doing backup). Anyway Jellybean aka Mr. Benitez was her producer and must have had this early Madonna-penned tune in the vaults. I know it's bouncy and silly fluff, pure pop all the way and perfectly harmless, but it's just torturous for me, almost unlistenable. I simply can't take it.
  25. Joan Jett &The Blackhearts - I Love Rock N' Roll
    That is...I DID love rock and roll until I was subjected to hearing this song.
  26. Billy Joel - Piano Man
    I know I'm in for a long yea interminable ordeal the second I hear the opening strains of this saga on the radio so I'm instantly straining for the dial.
  27. Little River Band - Lonesome Loser
    The chorus goes, 'Have you heard about the lonesome loser?' Yes I have. He made the mistake of telling his girlfriend he thought this song was cool.
  28. Lulu - To Sir With Love
    Does she really say, 'What can I tell someone who brought me from crayons to perfume'? You want schmaltzy you got it. So saccarine sweet you'll have diabletes by the time the song is through. Errghh!
  29. Mary MacGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers
    Religious groups protested mightily against this controversial tune and lambasted this poor girl as some type of heathen scarlet woman. Look, I didn't need any help, I just plain hated it already anyway.
  30. Barry Manilow - Copacabana (At The Copa)
    Unfortunately, I still hear this often. Epitomizes the forgettable disco era for a lotta folks. Coulda actually picked some other Barry tunes for this list. I Write the Songs comes to mind. "I am music and I write the songs" he says. Now that's getting a little presumptuous, eh, Barry? Just kidding. I know he's merely personifying music for the sake of the song and not saying he's music but I couldn't resist.
  31. Meat Loaf - Paradise By The Dashboard Light
    Maybe it should be retitled, 'I'll put your head through the dashboard if you don't stop whining'. When is she gonna shut up?
  32. Melanie - Lay Down (Candles In The Rain)
    I love gospel music but this gospel-tinged pop tune just bugs me to no end. I'll take Shirley Caesar or Aretha leading a gospel choir but friggin' Melanie? Sorry, it's just not working for me. Listen Mel, you're a sweet kid so here's my 'Brand New Key'. Now go try out your 'Brand New Pair Of Rollerskates' and find another way to entertain yourself.
  33. New Kids On The Block - Hangin' Tough
    Ooooooh. The New Kids are hanging tough. I'm scared. I think I'll go to the corner store later when they're not around. I suppose I could have filled this whole list with sappy boy band clunkers but this will suffice.
  34. Olivia Newton-John - Please Mr. Please
    The end of the chorus goes, 'I don't ever want to hear that song again.' Well, especially if it's anything like this song.
  35. Ocean - Put You Hand In The Hand
    A religious song but so very cloying and irritating after a while it makes you want to get away from these goofy people and perhaps embrace atheism. Seriously though, I always liked the lyrics and the wonderful message. Maybe I just really need one of the gospel greats from my 1001 Greatest Songs of All-Time list like The Five Blind Boys (of Alabama or Mississippi), The Mighty Clouds Of Joy, or The Staple Singers to soulfully drive it home the way I like. Here it sounds too much like Michael Row The Boat Ashore or Kumbaya and I'm not looking for campfire songs to toast marshmellows by.
  36. Donny Osmond - Puppy Love (Dishonorable mention: Paul Anka-original version)
    Enjoyable I imagine for its target market of mostly prepubescent and highly excitable girls but painful dreck for the rest of the population.
  37. Marie Osmond - Paper Roses
    Sister Marie proves she can serve mere tripe as good as her sibling.
  38. Donny & Marie Osmond - Morning Side Of The Mountain
    Now it's a double-barreled assault on my sanity with this awful offal. Each somewhat of a nuisance separately, together they become alarmingly dangerous.
  39. Paper Lace - The Night Chicago Died
    'Billy Don't Be A Hero' (see above) was really their song but from most accounts they just didn't get it onto the airwaves quickly enough and were beaten to the punch so I guess it's only right that they scored a hit. So we have yet another bombastic mini-drama. More like 'The Night Music Died'.
  40. Ray Peterson - Tell Laura I Love Her
    This tragic car crash/death song is more like a trainwreck in my head. So stultifying and soporific it makes genre staples Leader Of The Pack and Deadman's Curve almost bearable.
  41. Helen Reddy - I Am Woman
    Somewhere in the course of this 'stirring' female empowerment anthem she really does say, "I am woman. Watch me roar." I bet this lioness would be a barrel of laughs on a date. "I am man. Watch me puke."
  42. Reunion - Life Is A Rock
    The same guy, Gary Levine, who sang lead for Ohio Expess on the bubblegum classic Yummy Yummy Yummy was back taunting us again fronting Reunion. I have this to say very very rapidly to our ubiquitous vocalist...IcannotstandyouandyourstupidsongIwishyouwouldshutupIcannotbelieveyouhadahitwiththisYouandyourband
  43. Minnie Riperton - Lovin' You
    I also say to her 'No one else can make me feel the color that you bring.'...purple. Yeeeks! And I'm more purple than Barney now since that shrieking high note shattered my goblet and my fine Cabernet wine has spilt all over me.
  44. Britney Spears - Oops!... I Did It Again
    Of course I could have filled the list with tunes of Britney clones or more of her stuff as well but this wretched vomit-inducer will suffice.
  45. Donna Summer - The Hostage
    You really have to hear this whole song to see how truly bad it is. I hope I didn't spoil anything by giving away the melodramatic spoken ending but it's priceless. I would rank this the #1 most annoying out of all the 50!
  46. Tavares - Whodunit
    This 'amusing' schtick wears thin pretty quickly...right away actually.
  47. TLC - Waterfalls
    I hated this from the get-go too and didn't just get sick of it later. Preachy 'advice' songs in general don't appeal to me especially this one where they seem to have just rolled out of bed (or need to go to bed) and are droning lifelessly on and on. As far as that rap before the chorus goes, if I wouldn't be able to stand being stuck on a bus or elevator etc. with her listening to her obnoxious voice yapping away like that (probably on a cell phone so she's extra loud), why when I get home would I don a set of headphones and expose myself to more of the same drivel?
  48. Bonnie Tyler - It's A Heartache
    I guess Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies wasn't available the day of this recording. Actually, this singer's husky voice is kinda interesting though.
  49. Frankie Valli &The Four Seasons - Big Girls Don't Cry (See also Four Seasons above)
    Jeesh Frankie, how shrill can you get? I still wince when I hear this. If Edith Bunker sang...
  50. Wham! - Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go
    When you see the cheesy video you just have to laugh. So after he continued with solo success I had pretty much had my fill of George Michael and was hoping he'd disappear from the airwaves for a while and then Voila! I didn't hear much from him. But this was a clear case for being careful what you wish for. Now if making new annoying records will keep naughty Georgie from repeatedly loitering in the local public men's room engaing in lewd behavior then I guess I should reconsider my banishment wish. Please! By all means do resume your recording career fella.